Full Credits

Stats & Data

April 13, 2012

Your First Love

If you're from the city, any city, anywhere in the world than your first love is dead. It wasn't like a tragic thing...it was just like, you know, a thing. Wrong crowd and whatever bro. I mean, these things happen. It was like sad and all but at the same time, they were in a rough place. 

If however you are from the country, the flyovers, or anyplace that isn't overpopulated and overpricedforashittyapartment than you first love is fat as hell. It's not because they gave up. Nope, quite the opposite actually, they sadly believe they've won. They've had 12 kids, or their wife has had 11, one way or the other. Now, they sit around and eat all day and talk about how great life is, when honestly nobody in their right mind would trade with them. 

Your First Celebrity Crush

(S)he was the first one to give you butterflies. When (s)he (I'm already sick of typing that, so let's just pretend we're all men who had crushes on women,) was on TV you got weak and could hardly imagine someone so perfect was on the same planet as you were. Now, after several stints in rehab and doing countless drugs your crush likely has lips that look like short, fat snakes trying to escape horrific Starbucks breath. Her eyes are pulled back so far that she hasn't blinked in 3 years and worst of all, now she would actually date you. 

The Frat Dudes From Your College

A vast majority of them are pharmaceutical sales reps making more money than you are, their cars are paid for, they have health insurance, and are about to pay off their student loans. They married up and have 2 or 3 perfect children. They are great golfers, their drinking problem was just a phase, and they're embarassed about their past. Everything is great, except they are still assholes. Oh, right, also their 6 pack abs are gone now and the only way they can maintain an erection is to close their eyes and silently remember them. 

Carson Daly

Nobody knows. No rewards are currently being offered.

Jack Handey

Jack lives in New Mexico with his wife doing something, or nothing, who knows.

The point is, I hope he's just feverishly writing new Deep Thoughts and in a few months he'll start to release them all on Twitter, employing a staff of 20 people so that every minute on the minute a new one will come out. The entire comedy world would stop for 4-5 days, however long it lasted, and sit at their respective computers like it was the Truman Show and we have all become the dude in the bath tub.