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July 22, 2014

Everything you need to know about Brohio, home of the Cleveland Indians and Nick Swisher. Catch Nick Swisher representing Brohio on American Muscle, Wednesday at 9/8c on Discovery.

Fans of Cleveland Indians slugger Nick Swisher sit in their own section of Progressive Field in a group of seats affectionately dubbed “Brohio.” But Progressive Field isn’t the only part of Ohio that has a bro side. So for all my bros out there thinking of taking a visit, here’s a comprehensive guide to all the sights and attractions the great state of Brohio has to offer.

The Rock and Bro Hall of Fame

As any good bro knows, it is of the utmost importance that a bro pays respect to the many great bros that came before him. To the most devout bros, this is known as the act of “paying bromage.” Cleveland’s Rock and Bro Hall of Fame exists to celebrate the lives of works of great bro musicians like Brotis Redding, Bro Diddley, and the late great Kurt Brobain. Definitely a must see, bros.

Amish Bro Country

Much like Central Ohio, Central Brohio is home to a rich culture of Amish communities who abstain from electricity and other modern practices. Amish bros share many similarities to their non-bro counterparts, but several notable differences make it easy to tell both groups apart from one another. Amish bros often wear their wide brimmed hats diagonally or turned around backwards. Additionally, these buggy-driving bros partake in the same raucous debauchery as city bros but they replace their beer cans with beautifully handcrafted wicker cups. Make a visit, bros, but remember these bros aren’t like you and me. Respect their bro-liefs.

The Cleveland Brotanical Gardens

Naturally, many tourists are often skeptical of garden visits, but for any bros looking for a spot to take their lady bros, there’s no better place than the Brotanical Gardens. Unique to the Brotanical Gardens is Bro’s Rose, a breed of flower much like a regular rose except that it produces the same scent as a canister of Old Spice body spray. Trust me, bros, the ladies will be raving.

The Cleveland Museum of Art (For Bros)

The majority of museums in the United States exhibit an upsetting lack of bro-related artworks. Luckily, The Cleveland Museum of Art (For Bros) offers visitors six floors of bro-centric works from generations of artistic bros. Be sure to check out the Impressionist popped collar portraits of Claude Bronet, the detailed Solo cup oil paintings of Vincent Van Brogh, and the Modernist bro-dreamscapes of Georgia Bro Keefe, to name a few. Culture it up, bros.

The Brohio Zoo

Ohio certainly has its share of zoos, but none of them hold a candle to the raucous party animals in The Brohio Zoo. The Brohio Zoo proudly offers tourists the largest collection of beer-and-pork-rind fed mammals, birds, and reptiles in the greater Northeastern United States. They’ve got every bro beast you can imagine including majestic striped zebros, slithering bird-eating broa constrictors, and gigantic scaly bromodo dragons. Also, ducks wearing Ray-Bans. Don’t feed the animals, bros!

[WARNING: Do not visit Brohio State University. This campus is home to some seriously dumb-ass bros. I don’t know what the brofessors have been teaching these guys, but seriously, these bros are borderline bro-tarded. You have been warned, bros.]

Certainly, the full Brohio tour takes at least one full week to complete, but if you have the time we strongly recommend it. See you in Brohio, Bros!

(And don’t forget to join us next week as go abroad to find you the best sights to see in the proud African nation of Brozambique.)