Silly Anna Jones wound up in the hospital with a particularly gnarly case of sepsis. She was without healthcare because being female was ruled as a preexisting condition— such a bummer. Additionally, her GoFundMe campaign didn’t even trend on their website! Broke and totally sick in a not fun way, Anna took to social media.
“Hard to say this, but I have no money and I’m really sick. Please send me your #thoughtsandprayers. Your support means everything at this time. -prayer emoji that is actually a high five-”
And wouldn’t you know it, with the first like and crying emoji, Anna started to feel a lot better! She wasn’t just addicted to the dopamine rush of Facebook. Her friends’ thoughts and prayers improved her health, and her spirits. Even the thoughts and prayers from a person she only talked to once in middle school, and from her abusive personal trainer! Each comment she got started to shrink her infection. She just knew her friends were hoping and praying for her, and their love and support was enough to make her better. She was starting to regain kidney function when suddenly, the likes stopped coming. She wondered if anyone was thinking about her. She knew that those thoughts and prayers were the only way for her to get better, so she tweeted her Facebook status and ‘grammed herself in her hospital bed.
“Please guys, all I ask is for your thoughts and prayers! Healing is love! -fist emoji-”
And again, the likes started rushing in. And Anna was totally cured! She got better so fast that The Hamburglar, Trump’s new pick for the head of the health department came to visit her. Anna was totally honored to have such an iconic and important man visit her in the hospital. Surely he had more important things to do than visit a citizen! The Hamburglar immediately called Mitch McConnell, who made thoughts and prayers the only approved treatment under The Americans Scheming Stopping Healthcare Only Lives Ending act (The ASSHOLE act) and Anna was proud that she got to form some new healthcare legislation. The average American does matter!