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Published October 30, 2013 More Info »
  Welcome to the Candy Draft. It’s the draft you always wanted to do as a child, but were too dumb to think of. Now that you’re an adult who can go to CVS and buy all the candy you want, great things can happen. Like the Candy Draft.    Here’s how you can hold your own.    CLASSIFYING YOUR CANDIES
Think of the process as you would a Fantasy Football draft. You’ve got your pool of players, divided by position, and you’ve got a roster to fill, with allotted positions. Only instead of well-paid, large men who actually have no effect on your life, it’s delicious candy that you’ve piled in the center of the room.    Below is a list of nearly 100 candies, broken up into “position.” For the Candy Draft, we divided them into the following:   Chocolate Bar Loose/Bowl Ready Chewy Hard Shitty   For clarification, “Shitty” candies were classified as such when they fell in no real category and nobody really gave a shit about them. Or they were bullshits like Circus Peanuts which we all know are absolute garbage. Suck it, circus peanuts. You too, candy buttons stuck to paper.
CHOCOLATE BARS 1. 100 grand 2. 3 musketeers 3. 5th avenue 4. almond joy 5. baby ruth 6. butterfinger 7. cadbury eggs 8. caramello 9. charleston chew 10. chunky 11. clark bar 12. crunch bar 13. gold coins 14. heath bar 15. hershey's 16. hershey's cookies and creme 17. kit kat 18. krackel 19. mallo cup 20. mars bars 21. milky way 22. mounds 23. mr. goodbar 24. oh henry! 25. payday 26. reese's peanut butter cups 27. rolos 28. skor 29. sky bar 30. snickers 31. take 5 32. toblerone 33. twix 34. whatchamacallit 35. york peppermint patties 36. zagnut 37. zero   CHEWY 1. air heads 2. bit o honey 3. black licorice 4. chuckles 5. dots 6. gushers 7. gummy bears 8. gummy worms 9. jujy fruits 10. laffy taffy 11. now and later 12. red vines 13. saltwater taffy 14. sour patch kids 15. starbursts 16. sugar babies / daddies 17. swedish fish 18. twizzlers                                         LOOSE/BOWL-READY 1. boston baked beans 2. candy corn 3. goobers 4. good &plenty 5. hershey's kisses 6. hot tamales 7. jelly belly 8. junior mints 9. lemonheads 10. m&ms 11. m&ms peanut 12. m&ms peanut butter 13. m&ms pretzel 14. mike and ike 15. milk duds 16. nerds 17. rasinets 18. red hots 19. reese's pieces 20. runts 21. skittles 22. skittles sour 23. sno caps 24. sweet tars 25. whoppers                          
HARD 1. blow pops 2. chupa chups 3. dum dums 4. fireball 5. gobstoppers 6. jolly ranchers 7. lifesavers 8. ring pops 9. rock candy 10. spree 11. tootsie pops 12. warheads 13. werther's 14. whirly pops   SHITTY 1. bottlecaps 2. candy buttons 3. candy necklace 4. circus peanuts 5. fun dip 6. necco chocolate wafers 7. necco wafers 8. pez 9. pixy sticks 10. pop rocks 11. smarties 12. tootsie rolls 13. tootsie rolls fruit 14. wax lips    
    THE DRAFT PROCESS   Form a seven team league, comprised of candy aficionados. The last thing you want to do is include an amateur who’ll select something stupid like Airheads in the first round (If you have a league with expert candy drafters, they know that Airheads will be available in the later rounds because, while being delicious, they will not make or break a roster).    Create draft order by picking names out of a hat. For parity, do a snaking draft. A snaking draft occurs when the sequence flip-flops each round. So if you have the first pick in the first round, you have the last pick in the second round. Candy Drafts can get heated and having a balanced draft process is the only fair way to do it.    There will be 10 rounds and each team owner has to fill the following roster spots:    Chocolate Bar (2) Loose/Bowl-Ready (2) Chewy Hard Shitty Flex (Chocolate Bar or Bowl-Ready) Bench Spot No Thanks*   *The very last spot on your roster is filled with a candy that you can never eat. For example, if you are a normal person, with normal tendencies, you could fill this spot with Wax Lips as they are gross and should be banished from candy society. By selecting Wax Lips, you are saying “No thank you, I will never allow Wax Lips on my roster.”    Each team has exactly one minute to make their selection.  PRO TIP: Play the music from the Chicago Bulls lineup introductions while you’re on the clock.            TIPS TO KEEP IN MIND When selecting a certain type of candy, you are getting everything in that candy’s family. Meaning if you select Snickers you get full size Snickers, fun size, mini, Snickers almond, Snickers Peanut Butter, Snickers Dark, etc. It’s factors like this that will make Snickers the consensus #1 overall pick in most drafts.    Variety is important. Sure, Nestle Crunch bars and Krackels are both delicious, but they are essentially the same damn thing. Scotty Pippen was a great player but you don’t need two Scotty Pippens on your team. You’re better off with one Pippen and one B.J. Armstrong (like a Sour Patch Kids or some other similarly-strong-yet-different candy).    Put careful thought into your later-round picks as well. Just because you’ve already nabbed a first-round star player like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups doesn’t mean you have the freedom to be careless in later rounds. Ask yourself questions like “how are my chewys?” and “is my fruit-flavored line as strong as it could be?”. This will ensure a consistently strong candy bag that works well as a team.        THE CANDY TOURNAMENT You’ve held your draft and assembled your candy rosters, now it’s time to put your newly-formed teams to the test with an official candy tournament. The first thing you’ll need for your candy tournament is a child to serve as referee. No one knows candy better than kids, which makes them the best-suited for judging which team has the strongest roster. If you do not have a child of your own, you’ll need to go out and locate one, ideally one with a thorough knowledge and appreciation of all candies (in other words, none of those weirdos who “don’t like chocolate”). After finding a suitable child in your neighborhood, offer them candy in exchange for a few hours of their time and a ride to the tournament in your car or van.*   *Anyone who sees anything funny or inappropriate about this needs to grow up and get serious about their candy draft.     If you are playing in expert mode, you will have already assembled a team of children to determine seed ranking and create a tournament bracket. If you are playing as a novice however, you can simply do a “Round Robin”-style tournament in which each candy bag battles all other candy bag in turn.     THE WINNER After your child ref determines the overall champion, it is time to eat the candy. Being careful not to let your child have any (this would be highly unprofessional on their part) pour the bag over your head like a Super Bowl Gatorade cooler. Next, you’ll want to begin to unwrap and eat you most valuable player. Note that this winning candy should taste just a little sweeter than normal - this is the sweet taste of victory.     MOCK DRAFT To help guide you we conducted a draft of our own.  Here’s how it broke down, round by round:   
Round 1 1. Snickers.  2. Airheads 3. Twix 4. Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups 5. Hershey’s 6. Butterfinger 7, Kit Kat   Round 2 8. Swedish Fish 9. Peanut M&Ms 10. Gummy Bears 11. Pop Rocks 12. M&Ms 13. Take 5 14. Sour Patch Kids   Round 3 15. Peanut Butter M&Ms 16. Nerds 17. Starbursts 18. Laffy Taffy  19. Skittles 20. Crunch Bar 21. Sweet Tarts  
Round 4 22. Hershey’s Kisses 23. Raisinets 24. Milky Way 25. Pretzel M&Ms 26. Almond Joy 27. Rock Candy 28. Whatchamacallit   Round 5 29. Jelly Belly 30. Heath Bar 31. Whoppers 32. 3 Muskateers 33. Milk Duds 34. Twizzlers 35. Reese’s Pieces   Round 6 36. Jolly Ranchers 37. Pez 38. Blow Pops 39. Ring Pops 40. Baby Ruth 41. Toblerone 42. Tootsie Pops  
Round 7 43. Charleston Chew 44. Pixy Sticks 45. Fireballs 46. Junior Mints 47. Krackel 48. Lifesavers 49. Smarties   Round 8 50. Mounds 51. York Peppermint Patties 52. Fun Dip 53. Gold Coins 54. Cadbury Eggs 55. 100 Grand 56. Gummy Worms   Round 9 57. Tootsie Roll Fruits 58. Lemondheads 59. Tootsie Rolls 60. Candy Necklace 61. Gushers 62. Mike and Ike 63. Dum Dums  
The No Thanks Round 64. Necco Wafers 65. Wax Lips 66. Candy Buttons 67. Circus Peanuts 68. Black Licorice 69. Warheads 70. Runts