This week’s tweets could only be better if they were made of chocolate.
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.— Brosephine Wires (@JoParkerBear) September 14, 2017
it is important to toss the pizza dough in the air as hard as possible, to show God— glam cabal (@themiltron) September 12, 2017
Instead of buying a pumpkin from a pumpkin patch, I'm going to adopt one from a local shelter— markydoodoo (@markydoodoo) September 29, 2017
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]— mad died (@whatmaddness) September 28, 2017
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
The human body is 60% water, which means my boss is 60% water, so I'll be damned if some walking water monster is gonna tell me what to do.— Molly Muchacha (@mollzbenn) April 27, 2017
If I was an office temp, I'd say things like "copy that" and "please get ur fax straight" and "fuck u ur not the boss of me" and— KattsDogma (@KattsDogma) September 16, 2017
Back in my day, when times were tough and we didn't feel like we could even, we evened anyway.— The Glad Stork (@TheGladStork) July 21, 2017
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?— Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) October 3, 2017
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!— vince (@mortimermaiden) February 10, 2017
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Texting is great if you love getting into huge misunderstandings about subtleties in language and expression.— Jackie BOOvier (@jackiembouvier) October 1, 2017
[alternate universe] your bike never forgets how to ride you— A Dark Ally (@TragicAllyHere) August 29, 2017
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire— Line Art Lionheart (@notalogin) September 10, 2017
There's only one question I want answered. Why the fuck did that car fly at the end of Grease?!— Lord Kilmister (@ObscureGent) September 28, 2017
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) September 29, 2017
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma'am.
Taylor Swift: I’m perfect— HAMM (@thedahammel) September 22, 2017
Rihanna: I’m not perfect
Lady Gaga: you are all perfect
Beyoncé: perfect hurts
Katy Perry: I am Janet Jackson
I like to contribute to group activities by looking beleaguered, saying “ok, there’s a lot going on here” then exiting the room— blah witch project (@hellohappy_time) October 2, 2017
*nods knowingly for 60 full seconds*— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) October 3, 2017
"It's Spanish for 'Home Alone.'" pic.twitter.com/lNNVtxgKSg
I'm in the mood to take off a giant clip-on earring and talk into a rotary phone.— American Housewife (@WhatIDoAllDay) October 1, 2017
Friend: I got concert tickets for my wife.— Alien Skier (@ClichedOut) October 3, 2017
Me: Sweet trade.
laughing imagining larry david getting a boner at an nfl game and everybody yelling at him because he can't stand for the anthem— rob whisman (@robwhisman) September 23, 2017
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:— batkaren (@batkaren) October 2, 2017
• meet in middle
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
I gave my bus driver a copy of the play I wrote about a bus driver that falls in love with one of his passengers. And now we wait.— Mr. Bea Arthur (@FuckabillyRex) September 29, 2017
Copilot: That was our third pass! Can we land already?— Steve vs Ninjas (@stevevsninjas) September 29, 2017
Dog Pilot: Just need to circle a few more times before I lay her down.
the national anthem— ryan (@_yeatez) October 2, 2017
-can’t dance to it
-a graveyard smash
-caught on in a flash
I fully respect both sides: those doing a half-assed job of representing me, and those relentlessly looking for a legal way to kill me.— Reticent Turnip (@ReticentTurnip) May 4, 2017
"This 2nd amendment shall always be valid for hundreds of years, since things never change" he said, while signing with a feather— Scary Terry F (@daemonic3) October 3, 2017
i mean i fucking love pizza but if pizza violently killed 30,000 people a year i'd be like okay maybe none of us should have pizza— Dave King (@DaveKingThing) October 3, 2017