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July 06, 2015

Everything matters when it comes to the wellbeing of your children. Especially napkins.


Monroe Twp, NJ - For Sarah Kovett, a 37-year-old mother of two, it started innocently enough.“Madison was setting the table for Taco Tuesday and asked for napkins. I looked, but we were out,” Sarah said fighting back tears, “ I folded up four paper towels and told her to use those instead.”

From there it snowballed. Sarah and her husband Kevin went from using paper towels as napkins in a pinch to using them almost every day. “We folded them into napkin shapes, like rectangles and triangles. I thought that was good enough,” lamented Kevin.

A new study released this weekend from Harvard University Online points to napkin substitution as one of the root causes of many childhood problems like, ADHD, bad grades, even sexting. Parents everywhere are shocked. Grandparents, however, are not.

Without being asked for her opinion, Sarah’s mother said, “I got them a Costco membership for Christmas. I don’t know how this could have happened.”

When asked of the effects Sarah thinks the paper towels have had on her now teenage children she said, “ Madison’s a cock tease and Bailey didn’t even get into his safety school. It has to be the napkins.”

As of press time, Kevin filed for a trial separation from Sarah and Bailey was still waiting to hear back from his local community college.