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Stats & Data

September 03, 2012

Welcome to the world of band management.


So here we are, blogging. It’s been some time since I felt so connected to the world. I have stood on some of the world’s biggest stages making excuses for some of the world’s biggest musicians, but nothing compares to this stage. So, World at Large, here I am, Ellroy Jones at your service.

I am one of the world’s premier entertainment managers. This is a fact. A simple Google of my name will tell you that. It will also link you to a Facebook page set up in my name. ***This is not me. I do not have a Facebook account***. The account was set up by a disgruntled ex-bassist in a band I used to manage. Funny story actually – we were in Singapore when the original bassist got banged up for chewing gum. When they searched him they found his heroin and that was that. They shaved his head and beat him, which, ironically, he didn’t feel as he was strung out to hell on heroin. He still laughs about it to this day, or so I’ve heard. It’s not actually funny of course, but when you’ve spent the last seventeen years in a concrete box and no longer have fingernails it must do something to you.


Anyway, so this woman musician comes in one day and has a bass. She could play it well despite her small fingers, and as we were due to play that night she got the gig. It wasn’t long before she was a fixture – her playing, attitude, and steadfast refusal to wear a bra, made her a real hit with fans and crew alike.

I’m digressing here, suffice to say, rock and roll and periods don’t mix. The tribunal was a sour note to end our relationship on, but that’s the way she wanted it. To my mind, the fact that she won says more about the legal system than my own actions. I had thought that one day we might reconnect, but this latest Facebook stunt of hers (following on so shortly from her Twitter account, Ellroy Jones is a prick)  has made me think twice.

While I’m on the topic of this sort of thing, yes, it is true that I am currently B.B. (Between bands), but this is a matter of personal choice following a break down in relations with the previous band I managed. Both sides felt it was time for a new direction; them downwards to the obscurity bin at an Oxfam shop (inevitable), me to the premiership of band management (equally as inevitable). I wish them all the luck in the world and may their integrity steer them safely from any lucrative sports-tie ins and firmly into the chin-stroking realms of student bars they so clearly hunger for. It is natural that when a band reaches such a decisions-making era of their career there will be fall out, and I am proud to say that I gracefully stepped down and the subsequent legal proceedings brought against me for withholding royalties will leave no hard feelings.

And let me be clear: All monies due to them were paid and the fact that they have delayed the hearing date while they desperately  dig for more evidence speaks volumes. It is a testament to my accountant’s thorough and diligent organisation that the disputed funds are proving untraceable. That’s because there are no funds, boys! The Twitter feed, Ellroy Jones is a thief and racist, while impressively written for a medium that only allows 160 Characters, is missing one crucial aspect – I never stole a thing in my life apart from a few kisses (and I’m not a racist – I love Hip hop and basketball and once masturbated to Grace Jones in Mad Max 3, Beyond Thunderdome)  and I can prove that by the fact that no one has ever been able to prove that I did steal anything (to be clear – the kisses thing was never prosecuted or anything, I’m not a rapist.)

If your band is looking for representation, send me a myspace link. I am looking for the next big thing so don’t think just because you’re not mega-platinum selling superstars I won’t be interested. Seriously, I’m thinking small. All genres of music considered- I have worked in most. An ex-wife used to joke I’ve had my finger in so many pies it’s amazing I don’t have cinnamon flavoured fingernails. The fucking bitch.

To summarise: Available for work; not on Facebook; not a thief; not a rapist (and have never knowingly been accused of being one); thorough accounting; Email me.