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The Pappy Parker Players present.... Bernard Bullet: Private Eye
Published July 22, 2010 130 views More Info ยป
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Published July 22, 2010
DETECTIVE BERNARD BULLET



INT. OFFICE - NIGHT

Detective Bullet is sitting with his feet on a desk, smoking
a cigar. The room is very cliche - dingy, dark, smoky, etc.
Bernard is sober in his mind, but drunk when he speaks.

BERNARD BULLET (V.O.)
My name's Bullet. Bernard Bullet.
And I'm a private eye. The most
bad ass private eye that eve
walked this side of town. But being
bad ass doesn't pay the bills.
Cases do.

Bullet gets up and grabs a bottle of scotch. He tries to
pour a small glass, but he's drunk and the cup over flows.
He puts the bottle down, but misses the table and it falls on
the floor.

BERNARD
(screams) KITTY!

A woman enters.

BERNARD (CONT'D)
Where's Arthur? I thought he was
coming in at three.

KITTY
*sighs* He'll be in in just a
moment, Bernard, he went to the
restroom.

BERNARD
Bullet, Kitty! DAMMIT! My name is
Bullett Bullet!

KITTY
Arthur will be in shortly, Bernard.

Kitty leaves.

BERNARD BULLET (V.O.)
Kitty means well, but she's got
more brains in those legs than that
head of hers. Too bad I don't pay
her to walk.

Bernard picks up a photograph of three kids and sits down
again.

BERNARD BULLET (CONT'D)
Sometimes I look at these kids and
it's almost like I don't know them.
I can't even remember their names -
Jimmy? Timmy? No.. Tommy!... Mommy!
Hmmm...

Bullet is squinting at the photograph trying to remember the
child's name. Suddenly Arthur enters. He's very soft spoken.

ARTHUR
*sighs* Bernard, how many times do
I have to ask you to wait for me on
the couch? And why are you looking
at my kids again? It's
inappropriate for a patient to look
through my things.

He walks over and takes the photograph. Bullet stands up and
gets in his face.

BERNARD
Your face is inappropriate. And I
would appreciate it if it were a
little more propriate.

Bullet spills some scotch. Arthur leans over to the phone
and presses the intercom button.

ARTHUR
Kitty? Could you come clean up a
spill, please? Thank you.

Arthur walks away, and sits down at one of two chairs facing
each other.

ARTHUR (CONT'D)
Alright Bernard, well when you're
ready to start this weeks session
you can come sit down, okay?

BERNARD BULLET (V.O.)
He smelled of bad cologne and
disaster. I could tell he was
hiding something. And I was going
to find out what.

Bullet grabs his glass and goes to sit down.

ARTHUR
Alright Bernard-

BERNARD
Bullet-

ARTHUR
Bernard, I think we-

BERNARD
BULLET!

ARTHUR
Okay, Bullet, maybe you should put
the glass down...

Bullet stares him down and takes a slug from the glass,
spilling most of it on himself.

ARTHUR (CONT'D)
*sigh* Let's get started. How are
the private investigations going?
Any new cases this week?

BERNARD
No! Everyone's been going to
Facebook - there's no one left to
track down!

ARTHUR
Well, maybe you should try what we
discussed last week - should try
out for the police academy.
Clearly all this free time hasn't
been good for you mentally. What
do you think?

BERNARD BULLET (V.O.)
Who is Facebook? I don't know how
he does it, hell, I don't even know
his last name. But I do know that
every since him and that Internet
showed up, this town seems a little
too small for the three of us.

Bernard is now smoking his cigar, deep in thought.

ARTHUR
Bernard?

BERNARD
Huh?

ARTHUR
Have you given the academy any more
thought?

BERNARD
Bullet!

ARTHUR
Excuse me?

BERNARD
You called me Bernard again. It's
not very private eye-ish if you
call me Bernard.

ARTHUR
Your first name is Bernard, and
right now you're not a private eye,
you're my patient. So as you
therapist, I think I should call
you Bernard.

Beat.

BERNARD
Alright, Arthur. Maybe I should be
the one asking the questions! First
off, how do you know Facebook? I
saw his website on your compute
last week!

ARTHUR
Look, Bernard, it's a social
networking site! We've been ove
this - people don't need you to
track down their high school
friends anymore. You're going to
need to find other work!

BERNARD BULLET (V.O.)
Just as I thought - he's trying to
convince me to quit the job. He's
definitely in cahoots with the
Face.

Kitty walks in with a hand towel.

KITTY
Sorry, sir, Should I still clean
up the spill?

ARTHUR
Yes. Thank you, Kitty.

Bernard watches her as she walks over to clean up, and starts
saying his thoughts out loud.

BERNARD
Kitty's not the best assistant, but
she's always been there for me.
That's why I keep her around.
That, and she's the best piece of
ass on this side of the office
building.

Kitty looks at Arthur, and runs out of the room very upset.

BERNARD (CONT'D)
What's wrong with her?

ARTHUR
Dammit Bernard, that's it. We're
done!

Arthur gets up.

ARTHUR (CONT'D)
I'm going to recommend anothe
therapist for you, his name is
Donald White. Maybe you'll have
more success with him.

Bullet gets up too.

BERNARD
I guess this means your loyalty
lies with Facebook then?

ARTHUR
Here's Dr. White's card. You can
look him up on the internet, just
google his name.

BERNARD
THE INTERNET!? GOOGLE?! So you
admit it!

ARTHUR
Bernard, Google is just a search
engine, you use-

BERNARD
A SEARCH ENGINE?! So now a robot
does my job for me! Great! Well
let me tell you, a robot can't
drink Scotch! Or say things in a
really cool voice, or find a
client's old friend by WALKING to
their house!
You're not firing me for Google,
Arthur...I'm firing you! And I'm
going to go find Google and pull
his batteries out!

Bernard storms out.

Roll credits.
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