- March 13, 2015
- 25k Views
March 13, 2015
> Rachel Dratch: Hello, and welcome to The Dratchelor. I'm Rachel Dratch,
and you are probably named Kylie or Haley, or something like that.
(Male Voice): Becca wasn't into you.
> Welcome to the final episode of The Dratchelor. It was the season
finale. It's when the Bachelor made his choice. Here's how it all started.
Whitney went to Chris' hometown, and everybody just loved her.
> (Whitney): I really appreciate being here.
> Becca goes to Chris' hometown, and kills it doing stand-ups.
> (Becca): So on the weekends we'd go to the post office...
(people crack up laughing)
> I told my family, don't text me like, send letters...
(more cracking up happens)
> Then Chris and Becca talk for a long time, and after each question
Becca has the exact same answer.
> I don't know, I don't know...
I don't know...I don't know...
I don't know...I don't know...
I don't know...
> Then Chris' mom talks to Becca, and Becca says she's not
really sure of her life plan. So Chris' mom decides for her.
> That's love, (inaudible)
> No it's not. That's ambiguity. That's not love.
When Chris is choosing the ring, and he doesn't even know who is going to
give it to. That's weird.
Then Chris finally makes his decision.
> I don't know if I could see you as being my wife when you're not
> You know the old saying, when breaking up with someone blame it
entirely on the other person. Becca gets very emotional.
(slow piano instrumental plays)
> She doesn't even cry in a limo? That's where you're supposed to cry.
I mean I never thought I'd say this, but it made me miss Britt.
The big moment is finally here. The barn is lit up like a Pier 1 Imports.
> From the very beginning...I just knew.
> No, this is the time to not talk. This is the time to see if you're
> Will you marry me?
> Congratulations, you win. Arlington, Iowa wins too,
because now the population is 501. Then Chris Harrison asks the
audience who they want to be the next Bachelorette.
> Should the Bachelorette be Britt?
(the audience screams and claps)
Alright, or should it be Kaitlyn?
(the audience screams and claps louder)
> Uh, it sounds like they want Kaitlyn.
> Bachelor Nation was pretty much split down the middle.
> And a Bachelor Nation divided cannot stand. That's why
I'm announcing my candidacy for president of Bachelor Nation.
Even though everyone wants Kaitlyn...
twist alert...mini twist alert...twist alert...
there's going to be two Bachelorettes, Britt and Kaitlyn.
How do you think Kaitlyn feels about this?
> Well that's not ideal.
> Of course it's not ideal. Taking control away from the women,
who are supposed to have control on this show, right?
This is the one where the woman reigns supreme.
Now they have a chance to be rejected not just by one person,
but by a crowd of men. You're going to have the memories of like
guys rejecting you all at once. Ladies and gentleman, probably just
ladies, maybe a few gentleman I don't know,
The Dratchelor has come to an end, and now I'd like to take the time
to sort of go over what I've learned about life, and love. The Dratchelor.
First of all in the very first episode of the Dratchelor I predicted
who would win. Ha-ha...
Possibly this young lady...
> Can I ask you a quick question?
> Do ya'll inseminate hogs?
> That's not how you bachelor.
That is how you bachelor. Whitney won.
I'm like the Nostradamus for relationships that won't last.
Another thing I learned, the Mesa Verdes, 15th Century, cliff dwelling
society which resembles a paint ball arena...
> The Mesa Verdes.
> Thank you Ashley S. And I learned that Tziporah Kingsbury is a real love
guru, who you have to pay to watch you dry hump.
And now lets take a look back at some of the best moments in Dratchelor history.
(Rachel Voices): We laughed, we cried, we ate raw corn with
the virgin, Princess Jasmine wannabe from New Jersey, but
most of all we did this.
That was The Dratchelor.
The Rachel Dratches, Dratchelor, a review show of the Bachelor by
Another episode of The Dratchelor.
Thank you so much to Dratchelor Nation, all 7,000 thousand of you,
and I'm happy to announce for the Bachelorette, Funny or Die will
be hiring John Larroquette to host the Bachelor-roquette.
And now the moment we've all been waiting for,
I never have to watch the Bachelor again, unless I choose to in my own time.
And now I'm going to start on the amazing race. I've never seen that one either.
Ha-ha...is that even on anymore? I don't know.
Wow, this is really done huh?
We did it guys. Thanks guys, thank you, everyone.
You, and you, and you...The Dratchelor.
Now, go on with your lives.