Add to Playlist

Ya'll Ima bout famuss. I gots three new ledders in my malebox! This ones bout sum... more »
Published October 13, 2010 430 views More Info »
I'm Loretta Jenkins
and this here is How I Seize It.
Today, we're gonna do another letter readin'
from one of my drankin' buddies.
It's from Beulah from Texarcana.
"Dear Loretta,
I am thirteen and-
People's always always callin' me-
(beer spills)
Everybody's always tryin' to get me to eatn
and I ain't hardly never hungry.
What should I do?"
I would start by bringin' a gun to school.
Ain't nobody gonna fuck with you
if they think you gonna shoot they ear off,
and that's just a Stone Cold Steve Austin fact-
Damn that sumbitch make me moist.
Just make sure it ain't loaded
cause then you get like
five to seven to life or somethin'.
And and and, oooh!
Find yourself a rabid squirrel
and stick it in they locker.
Watch that thing just like jump out at them!
That's bad ass givin' somebody the rabies!
I think rabies could make a comeback.
Lemme ask you this...
Are you like
or are you
You might have a tapeworm,
and if you do, consider yourself lucky.
I've had 'Precious' for like-
I think it's funny I named my tapeworm 'Precious,'
and then they come out with that movie
with that big old fat ass girl.
I don't even know why they call her 'Precious'
cause she's mean.
She hit her momma with a fryin' pan.
They ain't skinny.
I like bein' skinny.
Nobody calls you pig,
fat ass,
weeble wobble,
freight train,
freak of nature,
hippo hips, or uhh...
tub of lard,
thunder thighs,
two hogs in a sack walkin' away
and you can rest assured ain't nobody gonna be-
Damnit to Hell!
Throwed that damn breaker again-
I reckon it's time for her marijuana plans
to go to sleep!
I think I mighta pissed off Mamaw.
She just jealous of me cause I'm hot.
Now where was I...
Oh yeah, you're anyurexyur...
Now Boolah...
I don't know what in the hell
you bitchin' about anyways.
It sounds to me like they just swackjackin'
wishin' that they look like you.
I swear to God.
I don't know what the world comes to
when folks picks on you...
...just, just cause you tryin' to look purty.
Them bitches over there at the trailer park,
they always tellin' me,
"You an alcoholic
and nobody uses Aquanet no more
and tiger prints it out
and I'm stupid cause I like to slather up in Crisco
and work on my tan...
And you an alcoholic..."
Hell, what businees is it of them bitches anyway?
I ain't got no liver no way.
I had that sucker pulled out
and replaced with a Zippity-Lock bag,
so who the hell cares?
I think it's in some museum
or circus or somethin'.
They give me $100 for it.
If anybody makes fun of you some more,
I will kick they ass across the state line to Texas
cause it's okay to be a big girl over there.
Lo's got your back, little sister.
And remember,
just cause somebody says it's okay to be curvy,
don't mean that it's right.
Maybe you can try that other diet...
Ain't that your name?
Anyways, only real womens don't need no help
holdin' their hair when they pukes.
That's why I don't hardly never style mine
no longer than passed my shoulders.
What the fuck?
What the hell is that?
I don't chew gum!
Fuck them haters.
Just go about your business.
On second thought,
don't forget about it,
cause if you fat,
God don't love you no way,
and that's How I Seize It.

From Around the Web