Kieran Vollard has all the best sex tips when it comes to the sensuality of womens' bodies.

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Starring Jemaine Clement

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July 19, 2010


Voiceover: (whispering) Exclusive.
Kieran: Hey internet, how have you been?
Kieran Vollard, artist.
I express myself and my ideas
through many artistic mediums.
Photography, painting, video installation,
mud sculpture, video
sculpture, mud painting,
photography mud, and also lovemaking.
Yeah, lovemaking is an artistic medium.
If you want your lovemaking
to become more artistic,
follow these sensuous tips.
Tip 1: Don't just focus on
your partner's genitals,
but the myriad erogenous
zones hidden about their body.
Try poking the knuckle of the left
index finger, the tip of the elbow,
How's that?
The center of the forehead,
the part of the leg
that is like an armpit, but
on your leg, the legpit.
(tranquil music)
Tip 2: Face your lover,
brandishing a simple razor.
Shave your body from head to toe
while staring into her eyes all the while.
Carefully collect the shavings,
then using the adhesive of your
choice, affix your hair to her body.
This reversal of bodily
textures will instigate
a delicious sexual conundrum.
Tip 3: Modern science tells us
that there are three sexual
orientations: Homo, Hetero, and Bi.
There are in fact over 200 sexual
orientations on the metaphysical scale.
You might be phonosexual, which
means you have sex with sounds,
chromosexual, you hump colors, autosexual,
which means you'll only do it with a
sent back in time version of yourself,
or omnisexual, which means
you'll screw anything.
Whatever of these orientations you are,
make sure you use a condom.
Tip 4: Wearing Venetian masks into a sauna
for several hours at
the peak of dehydration,
initiate vigorous foreplay.
If you can keep from losing consciousness,
you will not only have good
sex, but this erotic ride
will shed your metaphorical masks.
Tip 5: Tranquilize your
partner with a love dart.
Bring her to a remote
location in the woods.
When she awakens, you will be
the predator and she the prey.
Terrify her playfully,
with scary noises you make
from behind a tree and wait
for her to make peace with God.
Quietly approach her and get ready
for the best sex you've
ever had in your life.
That is how you can turn your
sex life into a piece of art.
(whispering) Create.