Sit your ass down cause it's that time again.
This here's Loretta Jenkins,
and I'm gettin' ready to dish out
another one of my world famous How I Seize Its.
Y'all know I just let things slide most of the times
cause I believe in freedoms of choice
and live let live, but uhhh...
Shit just got personal.
Let me clue y'all in on somethin' that happened
in my personal life a'recent.
So, I was at this new bar named 'Swingers'
down there in Little Rock
and these two fellers come up to me and said,
"Hey. Wanna fuck?"
So I just gives them my usual response, you know,
"Long as your dick ain't little."
And so, we couldn't find no hotel near
so we just got in the back of somebody's
truck out in the parkin' lot.
So, I was like,
"Hell to the yeah!"
"I got me two dicks for the price of one cover charge."
"Lo's gonna have a good time tonight!"
So this one dude, he as like goin' to town
down on the cooter and then I thought,
"What the hell happened to that other dude?"
And I lean over to look-
And that son of a bitch got his pecke
in my aforementioned cooter-eater's pooper!
And I was like "Aww, hell no!"
"Get out of my snatch, half-a-fag."
"I might be gay friendly,
but I ain't that gay friendly!"
Y'all, I just don't understand bisexuals.
I mean, they got more appropriate words for people
that likes to fuck everything.
Around here, we call them 'greedy slut-whores.'
I mean it's hard enough for guys and gals
to compete with they own gender, but both?
And what happens when they get bored
with the plumbing they diddlin' with this week?
They jump ship cause they natural born fuckin' cheaters.
It's time to expose all y'all bisexuals out there
for what you really are.
Listen up all you normal straight and gay folks,
I have got me five things I need to clear up here
about these damn fence-straddlers.
Bisexuals will fuck anything!
Even a jar of crunchy peanut butte
or a balloon animal.
A child's balloon animal.
Bisexuals is just drivin' down the slow lane
to Gayville or Lesbotown.
Bisexuals is just supposed to be for pornos,
not for real life situations.
Bisexual gals is just-
because they just wanna steal your man
and then he gets to see her eat poontang
and just cause you won't-
He go off and leave you on your birthday...
Bisexuals is mean and vengeful-
Cause if you say mean things about them,
they just gonna try to steal your man
and then he get to watch her eat poontang and-
Did I just say that?
I hope that bitch gets cervical cancer!
Some people says that they think that everybody
got a little bisexual in them,
well I don't believe that neither.
God don't like gluttonous
and who you know more gluttonous than a bisexual?
Except for fatties...
And don't even get me started on bisexual fatties.
They on the fast track to hell!
And who to blame for this rise in bisexuality-ness?
The Hore Bisexual Organation.
There, glad we got that all cleared up.
Y'all protect your hearts and your genitals
by makin' sure all your potential fuckbuds
and romantical interests is not one of these
heathen abominations to God!
That's How I Seize It.