How I Seize It #62: PLASTIC SURGERY

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How I Seize It

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Hey!
Listen up drinkin' buddies,
cause we fixin' to tackle a topic
that's gonna touch each of us
at some point in our lives;
when it's time to go get a little nippety-tuck done.
This here's Loretta Jenkins,
and you probably couldn't tell,
but I've been under the knife before.
And if you at home shakin' your head 'yeah'
and rollin' your eyes,
than come over here and say it to my face
so I can bust your goddamn teeth out!
Caprice?
Y'all knowed that Barbie momma on the news
who gived her kid a plastic surgery coupon for Christmas?
Y'all get off her daggo back!
She just tryin' to make her daughter look purtier.
It's probably cheaper if you start them off that young.
You just jealous cause God gived you a mug
that even Dr. 9O2EO
can't make susceptable.
Holla, Purties! Yeah!
Plastic surgeons is miracle workers
ordained by God to keep his creatures
hot and sexy, like he intended.
and anyone say otherwise just tryin'
to bring down your self confidence, so fuck them!
They ain't your friends!
I mean look at me!
I'm 37 and look this good!
And while you overhaulin' the healthcare,
we ought to be able to get
free plastic surgery visits,
cause retrospectively, that'll improve
everybody's mental health,
and create more plastic surgery jobs!
Yeah!
(burps)
It's a start...
And purtier peoples is more happy
cause we all know happiness
is a direct result of bein' better lookin'
than the others around us.
And here is my tride and true formula
for measurin' your hotness,
ladies and lady-mens.
Beauty is four times over the proximity
of the correlation of bein' standin'
next to somebody that's ugly, uh-
Once removed!
So, ratio to purty is you always stand
by somebody next to you that's uglier than you
cause that way you always be the more purtier.
Alright?
Simple.
So to all my little drankin'-buddies-in-trainin'-bras out there...
Listen up!
You gonna have uglies out there that's tellin' you that
it's all about the inside or read the cover of a book
before you buy it a drink,
but that is just the liberal obese media
makin' up lies and shit and umm...
Goddamn. I'm sorry, y'all.
I had to go bust in on Mamaw
and shake her down for the rent
and breathed in a bunch of that...you know.
And I ain't been right since.
Oooh! That mind me...
This wall-eyed stoner friend of mine the other day
posted on my picture comment sayin'
"Somebody get new titties?"
First off, I'm surprised he even notice my titties,
cause usually you gotta put a dick in his mouth
before he'll pay you no mind.
Shit, I've had these titties since way
back there when Dynasty was on.
Now, if memory serve...
...this one half full of birdseed
and this one's just an old Hardee restaurant balloon,
so this one might pop
and this one here,
it just feel petrify.
It feel like silly putty been left out the egg overnight.
Serve me right for gettin' a little work done
out of the back of a mobile clinic
that come by once a month
to siphon off my migrant renter's Medicaid benefits.
Now this will probably make it's own HISI eventually,
but while we're on the subject of body modification...
How come folks get all they face and shit pierced?
Ewww. That's just freaky deeky.
I only got my ears pierced,
like the good Lord meant for us.
I mean sometimes I like a little
candy wax on my uvula, but...
Uh...
What was we talkin' about?
Oh!
Why on God's green earth
would anybody in their right minds
pierce they genitalius?
Was you just one day lookin'
down at your privates and say to yourself,
"Hmmm, I think my labial need some accessorizin', o
I think my dick need a new hole."
And don't get me started on them tongue piercings,
cause my friend Flicka told me why folks get them
and my philosophy is...
If you gotta attach whirligig-doohickies
install in your mouth to give head better,
than you probably wasn't doin' it right in the first place,
and that's How I Seize It.
And if any of your hungins needs a demonstration,
than come up here and Seize me sometime...