Green Team

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The video opens with a shot of a woman walking with a handful of papers that she drops on the ground. She continued walking as though she has no intention of picking them up.

Unidentified Male Voices: Hey! Hey, hey, hey, whoa, whoa!

Three men with matching green t-shirts that bear the recycling logo and white hardhats run up to the woman. The three men are John C. Reilly, Will Ferrell, and Adam McKay.

Adam McKay: Don’t throw that on the ground.

John C. Reilly: That’s garbage!

Will Ferrell: There’s a place for that. It’s called the waste basket.

Woman: Who are you guys?

Adam McKay: We’re the green team and we’re here to help.

The shot cuts to John C. Reilly, Adam McKay, and Will Ferrell jumping up as group.

John C. Reilly, Adam McKay, Will Ferrell (shout): Green Team! Green Team! Green Team!

The words Green Team are shown in large green letters. Then the shot cuts to a shot of Will Ferrell’s face beneath which are the words ENVIRO-TIPS FROM GREEN TEAM. The faces of John C. Reilly and Adam McKay slide into view from behind the headshot of Will Ferrell. The shot cuts back to a group shot of Will Ferrell, Adam McKay, and John C. Reilly with the Green Team displayed beneath them.

John C. Reilly, Will Ferrell and Adam McKay (Shout): Green Team!

The shot cuts to just Adam McKay who is identified in text as Erin Gossamer GREEN TEAM.

Adam McKay: Hi! I’m Erin Gossamer for the Green Team.

The shot cuts to John C. Reilly who is identified in text as Jim Smegg GREEN TEAM.

John C. Reilly: Jim Smegg for the Green Team.

The shot cuts to Will Ferrell who is identified in text as Arnold Darkshner GREEN TEAM.

Will Ferrell: Hi. I’m Arnold Darkshner for the Green Team.

The shot cuts back to Adam McKay.

Adam McKay: Remember to unplug your cell phone charger when you’re not using it.

Shot cuts to John C. Reilly.

John C. Reilly: Do you know that disposable lighters are one of the biggest plastic polluters on the planet.

Shot cuts to Will Ferrell.

Will Ferrell: Turn out all the lights in any rooms you’re not using.

The shot cuts to all Adam McKay, Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly and an unidentified African American man running toward the camera.

Will Ferrell, John C. Reilly, Adam McKay (Shouting): Green Team!

The shot cuts to a man opening a Zone bar. The Green Team runs up to him.

Adam McKay: Don’t you know how much plastic that wastes eating that?

Zone bar man (mumbled around a full mouth): No.

Adam McKay: Try going to your local store and telling them you don’t want your stuff wrapped in plastic. You want it wrapped in biodegradable napkins.

John C. Reilly: Buy a Zone Bar that’s not wrapped in a wrapper. They sell them in bulk.

Will Ferrell: Do you have an ID or credit card that the Green Team could see?

Adam McKay holds the man while John C. Reilly takes the man’s wallet out of his pocket and hands it to Will Ferrell. Will Ferrell looks through it.

Adam McKay: Here’s another healthy tip. Try wrapping your feces in tinfoil and saving it in a cooler. (To the Zone bar man) Don’t use plastic wrappers, do you understand me?

Adam McKay pushes the man.

Zone bar man (frightened): Yeah! I get it!

Will Ferrell: Do you understand?

Zone bar man: Yeah, I get it.

John C. Reilly (screaming): Never again!

Video cuts to shot of John C. Reilly, Adam McKay, and Will Ferrell. They are faced away and engage in a jump spin toward the camera.

Will Ferrell, John C. Reilly, and Adam McKay: Green Team!

The shot cuts to John C. Reilly, Adam McKay, and Will Ferrell climbing a ladder. They turn toward the camera.

Adam McKay, John C. Reilly, and Will Ferrell: Green Team!

The shot cuts to Will Ferrell, Adam McKay, and John C. Reilly jumping out from behind two RVs.

John C. Reilly, Adam McKay, and Will Ferrell: Green Team!

The shot cuts to John C. Reilly by himself.

John C. Reilly: Reusable packaging, ethanol, and day old bakery goods.

The shot cuts to Will Ferrell by himself.

Will Ferrell: Solar, wind power and knives.

The shot cuts to Adam McKay by himself.

Adam McKay: Biodegradable napkins, batteries, and glass dildos.

The shot cuts to Adam McKay, Will Ferrell, and John C. Reilly riding in a golf carts. It comes screeching to a halt and they jump out.

Will Ferrell: Hey! Motherfucker!

John C. Reilly: Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Random Man: Hey, what is going on?

John C. Reilly, Will Ferrell, and Adam McKay begin to beat the man. They slam the man’s head in a car door

Adam McKay: Green Team, asshole!

Will Ferrell: Just because it’s a hybrid doesn’t mean it doesn’t burn gas.

John C. Reilly: Just because I’m an environmentalist doesn’t mean I’m a sissy motherfucker!

Will Ferrell: Use your fucking brain!
Adam McKay: We’ve gotta get the fuck out of here. I think he’s dead.

Random Man: Fuck you Green Team!

John C. Reilly, Adam McKay, and Will Ferrell run away from the man and get back into the golf cart and begin to drive away. They are yelling as they go.

One of the Green Team yells: I’ve got a murder boner!

The shot cuts to the Will Ferrell, Adam McKay, and John C. Reilly who do a fist pump and yell inarticulately. The shot cuts to Adam McKay alone.

Adam McKay: Remember, when you’re done with a crime scene, always bleach.

The shot cuts to Will Ferrell by himself.

Will Ferrell: Looking for something fun to do with your friends? Track coyotes. And when you catch them, always remember, they’re a great source of meat and protein.

The shot cuts to John C. Reilly by himself.

John C. Reilly: Make love to Mother Earth. Make a small hole in the ground. Fill it with a little bit of water for lubrication and go to town. Just a thought.

The shot cuts to Adam McKay, Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly in several silly poses.

John C. Reilly, Adam McKay, and Will Ferrell: Green Team! Green Team! Green Team.

The shot cuts to Will Ferrell by himself.

Will Ferrell: My mom keeps calling me and asking me if I’m gay. I don’t think I’m gay.

The shot cuts to Will Ferrell, Adam McKay, and John C. Reilly.

Will Ferrell, Adam McKay, and John C. Reilly: Green Team!

John C. Reilly mumbles something in what sounds like German.

The shot cuts to Adam McKay by himself.

Adam McKay: Which do you think is cooler, an orca whale fighting a great white shark or a vampire having sex? We’ll never know.

The shot cuts to John C. Reilly by himself.

John C. Reilly: If you walk into a bakery and they sell day old items say, what the fuck is this shit. Just throw it out.

The shot cuts to Will Ferrell by himself.

Will Ferrell: And compost bin is a great place to store a baby when you’re finished with them.

The shot cuts to Adam McKay and Will Ferrell standing together.

Adam McKay: Ahhh!

The shot cuts to Adam McKay, John C. Reilly, and Will Ferrell standing near a woman who is smoking.

Will Ferrell: Hey sugar. Don’t you know smoking isn’t good for the environment?

Smoking Woman: Who are you guys?

Adam McKay, Will Ferrell, and John C. Reilly begin to converge on the woman in a threatening way. The shot cuts to John C. Reilly, Adam McKay, and Will Ferrell running around a corner. John C. Reilly and Adam McKay are shown zipping up their pants.

Smoking Woman (out of sight): Rape! (runs into view) Rape!

The shot cuts to Will Ferrell, John C. Reilly, and Adam McKay standing together with their fingers up to their lips.

Will Ferrell, John C. Reilly, and Adam McKay: Shhhhh. Green Team.

The shot cuts to Will Ferrell, John C. Reilly, and Adam McKay engaged in senseless acts of violence against inanimate objects and people. Adam McKay is shown fucking a gas tank hole in a car.

Adam McKay: Green team.

John C. Reilly punches the camera. The words Green Team are shown in large green letters. Then the shot cuts to a shot of Will Ferrell’s face beneath which are the words ENVIRO-TIPS FROM GREEN TEAM. The faces of John C. Reilly and Adam McKay slide into view from behind the headshot of Will Ferrell.

John C. Reilly, Will Ferrell, and Adam McKay (voiceover): Green Team.

The shot cuts to Adam McKay by himself.

Adam McKay: Here’s a tip. Shut your fucking mouth.