Executives at Uber take some time to address customer concerns.
Published March 04, 2015 120k views More Info »
Additional Credits
Additional Credits:
Actors:
Josh Wallace
http://www.funnyordie.com/josh_wallace
Monika Scott
http://www.funnyordie.com/monikascott
Luke Jensen
http://www.funnyordie.com/luke_jensen
Rivers Langley
http://www.funnyordie.com/saverivers
Andrew Lopez
http://www.funnyordie.com/account/andrewlopez
George Coffey
http://www.funnyordie.com/georgecoffey
Zach Pugh
http://www.funnyordie.com/zachpugh
Cinematographer:
Adam Allen Brant
http://www.funnyordie.com/adamallenbrant
Director:
Josh Wallace
http://www.funnyordie.com/josh_wallace
Editor:
Josh Wallace
http://www.funnyordie.com/josh_wallace
Written by:
Josh Wallace
http://www.funnyordie.com/josh_wallace
Luke Jensen
http://www.funnyordie.com/luke_jensen
Produced by:
Monika Scott
http://www.funnyordie.com/monikascott
2,122 Funny Votes
901 Die Votes
115,710 Views
Published: March 04, 2015


> HI, I'M TIM RAWLEY WITH UBER. LAST YEAR OUR REPUTATION WAS CALLED INTO
QUESTION ON MULTIPLE OCCASIONS. WE RECEIVED A TON OF NEGATIVE PRESS
OVER A LOT OF DIFFERENT ISSUES. I WANT TO PERSONALLY LET YOU KNOW THIS YEAR
WE'LL BE INTRODUCING NEW INNOVATIVE PROGRAMS THAT WILL SOLVE NONE OF THESE
PROBLEMS, BECAUSE JUST AS OUR GOVERNMENT DOESN'T NEGOTIATE WITH TERRORISTS,
WE DON'T LISTEN TO BITCHES. NOW I'LL LET SOMEBODY WHO MAKES LESS MONEY THAN ME
EXPLAIN ONE OF THESE NEW PROGRAMS THAT HAS US REALLY EXCITED. ENJOY.

> HI, I'M A FEMALE, AND I'M HERE TODAY TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT OUR
SUPPOSED RIVALRY WITH LIFT. THE BOTTOM LINE IS THIS, THERE IS NO RIVALRY,
OR AT LEAST THERE WON'T BE WITH OUR NEW AWARDS PROGRAM FOR UBER DRIVERS CALLED
STAB A LIFT DRIVER. THE STAB A LIFT DRIVER PROGRAM REWARDS UBER DRIVERS THAT
STAB LIFT DRIVERS IN THE HEART WITH A 10 INCH BLADE.
FOR EVERY LIFT DRIVER YOU STAB, YOU'LL RECEIVE A BRAND NEW IPHONE 3.
TO REDEEM YOUR STAB SIMPLY SEND IN THE LIFT MUSTACHE WITH THE DRIVER'S BLOOD
SMEARED ON IT. HOW CAN WE HAVE A RIVALRY WHEN ALL THEIR DRIVERS ARE DEAD
FROM STAB WOUNDS TO THE HEART? NOW I'M GOING TO THROW TO JOHN LEE, HEAD
OF HUMAN RESOURCES.

> THANKS FEMALE. LAST YEAR WE HAD A COUPLE OF HICCUPS WHEN SEVERAL OF
OUR DRIVERS SEXUALLY ASSAULTED PASSENGERS. THIS CALLED INTO QUESTION
OUR POLICIES ON BACKGROUND CHECKS, BUT I'M HERE TO ASSURE YOU THAT IN THE NEW
YEAR WE'LL BE CONDUCTING THOROUGH BACKGROUND CHECKS ON ALL OF OUR DRIVERS,
TO MAKE ABSOLUTELY SURE THAT THEY ARE CONVICTED RAPISTS.
BY HIRING ONLY RAPISTS WE ELIMINATE ALL THE GUESS WORK AS TO WHETHER OR NOT
YOU'RE SAFE ON YOUR UBER RIDE. YOU'RE DEFINITELY NOT.
WE WILL ALSO BE INTRODUCING OUR NEW DODGE A RAPE CHARGE PROGRAM. WHERE FOR EVERY
RAPE CHARGE YOU SUCCESSFULLY DODGE, YOU WILL RECEIVE A BRAND NEW SEASON 2, DVD
COPY OF THE COSBY SHOW. I'M GOING TO TOSS TO OUR EXECUTIVE ACCOUNTANT DEVON MANSFIELD,
WHO HAS EVEN MORE EXCITING NEWS.

> THANKS JOHN. IN RECENT YEARS, WE'VE GOTTEN INTO SOME TROUBLE FOR IMPLEMENTING
SURGE PRICING DURING HURRICANE SANDY, AND THE SIDNEY HOSTAGE CRISIS.
WE SURE DID MAKE A TON OF MONEY THOUGH. THIS YEAR, WE'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE
OUR MOST INNOVATIVE PROGRAM YET. THE SURGE.
WE'VE ALL HEARD OF THE MOVIE FRANCHISE THE PURGE WHERE ALL CRIME IS LEGAL
FOR 12 CONTINUOUS HOURS IN ONE DAY OUT OF THE YEAR. WELL THAT'S THE KIND OF SHITTY
REGULATION WE HERE AT UBER STRIVE FOR. SO STARTING THIS YEAR FOR 12 CONTINUOUS
HOURS ON SEPTEMBER 11TH YOU'LL HAVE A SURGE PRICE THAT WILL INCREASE THE
COST OF AN UBER TENFOLD, AND OF COURSE ALL CRIME WILL BE LEGAL WITHIN
THE UBER VEHICLE. I MEAN NOT TECHNICALLY LEGAL, BUT WE'RE CERTAINLY NOT GOING
TO SAY ANYTHING. NOW THROWING BACK TO TIM RAWLEY.

> OH...HEY, I WAS JUST DIGGING THROUGH THIS REPORTER'S TRASH TO SEE IF I COULD
FIND ANY INFORMATION I MAYBE ABLE TO BLACKMAIL THEM WITH LATER.
I HOPE YOU GUYS ARE AS EXCITED AS I AM ABOUT EVERYTHING UBER WILL BE BRINGING
YOUR WAY THIS YEAR, AND IF YOU'RE NOT WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO, GET A SIDE CAR?
WHAT IS THAT EVEN? THANKS FOR WATCHING.

> HEY!

> HEY, FUCK YOU...
(gun shots are heard)

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