Finger Babies

Actor

Eric McCormack

Actor

Kate Flannery

Writer

Seth Morris

Director

BenBerman

Cinematographer

Antonio Scarlata

Executive Producer

Funny Or Die

Cam Op

Brian Mulchy

Producer

Christin Trogan

Additional Credits [+]

Old embed code (only works with browsers that support Adobe Flash)

The video opens with Kate Flannery at the front of classroom full of kids writing on a chalkboard.



Kate Flannery: Alright. Alright guys, listen up. Kevin! Thank you. Now,
we have a very special guest speaker today to speak to you about a very
serious issue and I expect you to act like young adults. Mr Brennenin.



Eric McCormack walks to the front of the classroom carrying a briefcase.
Kate Flannery moves to the back of the classroom. Eric McCormack drops
his briefcase on the desk.



Eric McCormack: Finger-fucking.



The students all give Eric McCormack surprised looks. Eric McCormack
turns to the chalkboard and writes the word finger-fucking on it. He
turns back to the class and brushes the chalk dust off his hands.



Eric McCormack: Finger-bang. Stinky pinky. Third base. Sound familiar to anybody?



The shot cuts to Kate Flannery who nods knowingly. The shot cuts back to Eric McCormack.



Eric McCormack: How about knuckle-bumping? Dirty digits? I'm talking
about vaginal digital intercourse, people. Show me someone who says
they're not doing it or not thinking about doing it and I'll show you a
god damn liar! Thumb shoves. Clam pokes. Making pussy mittens. If you've
heard that it's safe sex, that there's no harm in it, then you've heard
wrong. Finger-sex is not safe sex because finger-sex can lead to finge
babies.



Several of the students are shown looking confused.



Eric McCormack: When I was 15, I got my girlfriend finger pregnant. We
were too afraid to go all the way so we thought we'd be safe. (Eric
McCormack does finger quotes when he says safe.)



The shot cuts to a teenage boy and girl running along some bleachers.



Eric McCormack (voiceover): French kissing under the bleachers at lunch.



The shot cuts to the teenage boy and girl sitting on a couch.



Eric McCormack (voiceover): Marathon dry humping sessions in her parent's finished basement.



The shot cuts the teenage boy waking up the girl, who was in a sleeping bag on the floor.



Eric McCormack (voiceover): And then one night, at the church youth group sleepover, we snuck out to the apple orchard.



The shot cuts back to Eric McCormack in the classroom.



Eric McCormack: Before long my strumming fingers were playing a mean jam session in her juicy, juicy studio.



The shot cuts to Kate Flannery, who is giving this story a nodding
smile. The shot cuts back to Eric McCormack, who smells his fingers.



Eric McCormack: We were too young to be parents. So, we gave it up for
adoption. But let me tell you something. Finger babies can happen to
anyone. And, yes, I am talking to you ladies! It doesn't just happen to
the skanky rocker chic. Oh no. It can happen to the secretly slutty
honor student.



Eric McCormack points at one of the female students.



Eric McCormack: The horny born-again Christian cheerleader.



Eric McCormack gestures to a different student as we slowly walks toward
the back of the classroom. He stops at the back of the classroom next
to Kate Flannery.



Eric McCormack: It can even happen to the frustrated high school teacher doing the grope and poke in the alley behind Chile's.



Kate Flannery looks down toward the floor in embarrassment.



Eric McCormack: So heed my words. Learn from my mistakes. Save the
finger-sex until you're married and wearing two pairs of latex gloves.



Eric McCormack opens up his briefcase and pulls out to giant handfuls of
latex gloves. He throws one handful at one of the female students. He
closes his briefcase and picks it up.



Eric McCormack: There's magic in all of you.



Eric McCormack starts to leave the room while Kate Flannery claps.
Half-hearted student clapping can also be heard. The shot cuts to Eric
McCormack stepping out onto the sidewalk. The song Cat's in the Cradle
starts to play as Eric McCormack walks away from the school. The shot
cuts to finger in a shirt and hat. The finger also has eyes and a mouth.
It watches Eric McCormack walking, but jumps into the bushes when Eric
McCormack turns to look behind him. Eric McCormack looks around and then
looks at his hand. He smells his fingers and walks off-camera. The shot
cuts back to the finger that leans out from behind the bushes.



Finger: Daddy.



The shot cuts to show Eric McCormack walking away. The shot then cuts to Eric McCormack in front of a blackboard.



Eric McCormack: Finger-fucking.



The video ends.