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Richmond, VA stand-up comedian Chris Martin dispenses Uighur and vagina jokes and... more »
Published July 22, 2009 1.1k views The Crypt More Info »
6 Funny Votes
30 Die Votes
1,149 Views
Published July 22, 2009
I’ve been writing jokes about Uighurs because nothing says comedy like ethnic oppression in China. That would explain all the Tibetan jokes on late night talk shows.
In China, the Uighurs are rioting. In the US, the Wiggers are revolting.
The pirated Harry Potter movie in China is called “Harry Potter and the Half-Bloody Uighur.” Why did the Uighur cross the road? To get away from the Han Chinese policeman who was beating the crap out of him. How many Uighurs does it take to change a light bulb? One to unscrew it, one to hold off the ladder and one to fend off the Han Chinese policeman who wants to beat the crap out of them. A Uighur and a Han Chinese walk into a bar. The bartender asks what they’ll have. The Han Chinese points to the Uighur and says, “I’ll have his land and his freedom.” OK, OK, I stole that joke from Kenny Wingle.

The election recount in Iran took a long time. They had problems with hanging chadors. In a stunning upset, Al Franken is the new president of Iran. I never saw that coming.

The Richmond Times-Dispatch has finally expressed regret after 50 years for the role it played in Massive Resistance to integration, which I thought was might white of them.

With the death of Mollie Sugden, who played Mrs. Slocombe of “Are You Being Served,’” comedy faces its worst crisis since global warming: a shortage of tacky jokes about pussies. I was going to say tasteless, but that would be wrong. I’m going to step in the breach, so to speak. A paparazzi took a photograph of a dog sniffing Eliza Dushku’s crotch. Given that the canine got closer to Eliza Dushku’s vagina than 99.99 percent of the North American male population, this gives a whole new meaning to the phrase, “lucky dog.” Sarah Palin has left her job as Alaska governor to do a reality show about her hunting and fishing on the Discovery Channel to be called “Deadliest Snatch.” Jon & Kate will star in a reality tv series called “I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of this Marriage.”

The real tragedy of Michael Jackson’s death is that he never made into the X-Men. Think about it. He was a mutant with amazing powers of transformation. You’d have Wolverine, Banshee, Beast and Albino Girl.

My birthday’s Wednesday. I’m so old, I’ve had more birthdays than Bob Dylan has had conversions. I’m so old, my bunion and my prostate argue about which is bigger. I was blessed with Chris Martin’s name and James Taylor’s hairline. If I lose any more hair on the top of my head, I’m going to have to start combing over my back hair.

The economy’s is terrible shape. How bad is the economy? It’s so bad that people are using the DMV as a portrait studio. Maybe they should get another name for the stimulus package. It sounds like something you buy in an adult bookstore. The porn industry is looking for a bailout. It seems only fair. If you’re going to bail out Arnold Schwarzenegger in Sacramento, you might as well bail out Arnold Schwarzenegger in the San Fernando Valley. If I ever do Rumanian porn, I want to be billed as Vlad the Impaler. You can insert your own sucking joke here.

Scientists have discovered a way to power cars with urine. In a related story, Budweiser is giving away a free oil change with every case of beer you buy.
I’ve been writing jokes about Uighurs because nothing says comedy like ethnic oppression in China. That would explain all the Tibetan jokes on late night talk shows.
In China, the Uighurs are rioting. In the US, the Wiggers are revolting.
The pirated Harry Potter movie in China is called “Harry Potter and the Half-Bloody Uighur.” Why did the Uighur cross the road? To get away from the Han Chinese policeman who was beating the crap out of him. How many Uighurs does it take to change a light bulb? One to unscrew it, one to hold off the ladder and one to fend off the Han Chinese policeman who wants to beat the crap out of them. A Uighur and a Han Chinese walk into a bar. The bartender asks what they’ll have. The Han Chinese points to the Uighur and says, “I’ll have his land and his freedom.” OK, OK, I stole that joke from Kenny Wingle.

The election recount in Iran took a long time. They had problems with hanging chadors. In a stunning upset, Al Franken is the new president of Iran. I never saw that coming.

The Richmond Times-Dispatch has finally expressed regret after 50 years for the role it played in Massive Resistance to integration, which I thought was might white of them.

With the death of Mollie Sugden, who played Mrs. Slocombe of “Are You Being Served,’” comedy faces its worst crisis since global warming: a shortage of tacky jokes about pussies. I was going to say tasteless, but that would be wrong. I’m going to step in the breach, so to speak. A paparazzi took a photograph of a dog sniffing Eliza Dushku’s crotch. Given that the canine got closer to Eliza Dushku’s vagina than 99.99 percent of the North American male population, this gives a whole new meaning to the phrase, “lucky dog.” Sarah Palin has left her job as Alaska governor to do a reality show about her hunting and fishing on the Discovery Channel to be called “Deadliest Snatch.” Jon & Kate will star in a reality tv series called “I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of this Marriage.”

The real tragedy of Michael Jackson’s death is that he never made into the X-Men. Think about it. He was a mutant with amazing powers of transformation. You’d have Wolverine, Banshee, Beast and Albino Girl.

My birthday’s Wednesday. I’m so old, I’ve had more birthdays than Bob Dylan has had conversions. I’m so old, my bunion and my prostate argue about which is bigger. I was blessed with Chris Martin’s name and James Taylor’s hairline. If I lose any more hair on the top of my head, I’m going to have to start combing over my back hair.

The economy’s is terrible shape. How bad is the economy? It’s so bad that people are using the DMV as a portrait studio. Maybe they should get another name for the stimulus package. It sounds like something you buy in an adult bookstore. The porn industry is looking for a bailout. It seems only fair. If you’re going to bail out Arnold Schwarzenegger in Sacramento, you might as well bail out Arnold Schwarzenegger in the San Fernando Valley. If I ever do Rumanian porn, I want to be billed as Vlad the Impaler. You can insert your own sucking joke here.

Scientists have discovered a way to power cars with urine. In a related story, Budweiser is giving away a free oil change with every case of beer you buy.
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