this is what first dates are really like i put way too much effort into this

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June 26, 2013


it's date night
i'm walking you home
there's no one on the street
we're all alone
the mood is right and i'm feeling smooth
it's now or never if i'm going to make my move
i run my hands through your silky hai
and i transfix you with my stare
as i quietly mouth the words

'do you want a ride on my baloney pony'

and she said 'we just met a few hours ago,
and i like you but can we take it slow?'
and i'm like 'YEAH WHATEVER GIRL
we don't have to screw
cause i could totally get down with a bj too'

and she's like 'no you're not listening to me
i don't go all the way until date number three'
and i'm like
you can live by your code
but my scrotums about to explode'

i've exhausted most of my choices
but i've still got 3 very powerful voices
suggesting to me that i look in your eyes
and propose a semi-sexual compromise
oh yeah

gimme me a dry handjob
gimme the old 40 grit fist of love
gimme a crusty devil's handshake
vigorously stroke the shaft of my penis
without the assistance of lubrication, yeah

close your eyes
forget what you're seeing
pretend you're a one armed girl
going skiing
and you're booking it down the bunny hill

pretend you're on a farm and you're a farm girl
but forget about the cows cause babe
it's time to milk the bull
(and that bull is me, and that milk is my cum)

girl you got the keys to my beame
if you like to drive stick
and you don't have eczema
(it's just to dry)

i hope i do not come to regret this decision
and wind up with an unwanted mid-life circumcision
(don't jerk me off until my penis breaks)

and baby if you wanted me to
you know that in return i would fingerblast you
i could pet your kitty if you beat my kids
we could turn those no we didn'ts into fuck yes we dids

don't you know
can't you see
what a little pickle ticklin' would mean to me
you could pump on my unit with that white knuckle grip
and i'd even be okay
yeah i'd be okay if you did not even want to look at it
while you're whacking me off