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Hey Dad, feeling unappreciated and sick of the wife and kids? Then Hostage Family Vacations is for you!
Published January 06, 2011 590 views More Info »
36 Funny Votes
6 Die Votes
591 Views
Published January 06, 2011


Russell 10/18/2010,11/09/2010, 11/17/2010


STUDIO B


ANNOUNCER


Hey Dad! Let’s face it, your


marriage is what it is... boring,


inconvenient and a complete waste


of time?


DAD looks over at MOM with disgust and agrees.


ANNOUNCER (CONT’D)


Your thirteen year old daughter


still hasn’t named her infant


twins.


CUT TO:


DAUGHTER holding infant twins.


DAUGHTER


(to baby)


What are you looking at, I fed you


yesterday!


DAUGHTER dumps “Cheesy Puffs” onto high chair.


CUT TO:


ANNOUNCER


And your son owns the first season


of Glee on DVD...


SON dramatically turns and sings.


SON


(singing)


“Just a small town girl, livin’ in


a lonely world, she took the


midnight train goin’ anywhere!”


CUT TO:


DAD in his chair


ANNOUNCER


Is this how you wanted your life to


be...


DAD


No... no I didn’t.


ANNOUNCER


(softly) I don't think so...


Welcome to “Family Vacation


Vacation’s” Where you take a


vacation from your family while on


vacation! Here’s how it works. Step


One: You pack up the family and


head on down the highway. Step Two:


You stop at a designated “Rest


Stop”. Step Three: We adduct your


entire family as you’re whisked off


to a fantasy Caribbean vacation!


Soooo, as you bask in the tropical


sun, your family is “entertained”


by a cast of our fully trained


“hostage-neers” of your choosing!


Like! The Fargo!


CUT TO:


THE FARGO


CREEPY GUY


I got’s me a wood-chipper.


CUT TO:


STUDIO B


TREVER DEAN


Over zealous religious fanatics!


RELIGIOUS FANATIC holding a glass of Kool-Aid.


RELIGIOUS FANATIC


Our Heavily father will not except


you with your genitalia... This


really needs more sugar.


TREVER DEAN


And new this year! The Silence of


The Lambs!


CUT TO:


BUFFALO BILL


BUFFALO BILL stands in a dark basement, nude with his penis


tucked between his legs.


2.


BUFFALO BILL


It rubs the lotion on its skin, or


else it gets the hose again!


A blind folded MOTHER enters frame screaming.


MOTHER


“Screeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaammmmmm”


CUT TO:


TREVER DEAN


And lets not forget this oldie but


goodie!


AL-QAEDA


A group of Al-Qaeda members all wave enthusiastically to the


camera.


CUT TO:


STUDIO B


TREVER DEAN


You will spend seven days in an


island paradise, relaxing on the


beach!


SLIDE: MAN relaxing on beach.


TREVER DEAN (CONT’D)


As your family wonders where they


are!


CUT TO:


Family sitting in unknown whereabouts.


BROTHER


Hello? Is anyone there? Hello?


CUT TO:


STUDIO B


TREVER DEAN


You’ll enjoy our World Class 24


Hour All-U-Can-Eat seafood buffet.


SLIDE: Mega Seafood buffet.


3.


TREVER DEAN (CONT’D)


As your family will be given


“something” to eat!


CUT TO:


Family member eating something weird.


SISTER


What is this, what is it!?


She takes a bite.


CUT TO:


TREVER DEAN


Did I tell you it’s all the free


ice cold beer you can drink in your


very own souvenir take home mug!


TREVER holds up souvenir mug.


TREVER DEAN (CONT’D)


And don’t forget the Hostage-etts!


Your very own island companions,


take’em to a luau, frolic on the


beach and take to the air an see


the island from above in one of our


Eco-Star helicopter tours. Our


helicopters are equipped with “Hot


tubs”! Each Hostage-etts are chosen


for their beauty, willingness to


please, low self-esteem and daddy


issues.


CUT TO:


SLIDE: Slutty Women


TREVER DEAN (CONT’D)


And before you head out each


evening you will check in with the


old family and hear the kidnappers


demands.


DAD picks up phone and dials numbers.


Where you’ll get to say great lines


like! 1. Touch one hair on their


heads and I will hunt you down! 2.


You don’t know who you’re messing


with! 3. The United States Doesn't


Negotiate With Terrorists. 4. Why


are you doing this! 5.


4.


(MORE)


NO, NO, NO, Noooooooooooo! 6. I’ll


pay a million dollars to anyone who


can bring in these kidnappers! And


many, many more! When your week


comes to an end guess who saves the


day. YOU DO DAD!


DAD opens a door nonchalantly and casually fires off two


rounds as all six kidnapers drop. DAD unties his family


members as they rejoice.


MOTHER


Oh thank god you’re here... why do


you smell like coco-butter?


DAD


No time, let’s get moving. I don’t


want to hit traffic!


TREVER DEAN


Nice job hero! So what are you


waiting for dad! You can show your


own appreciation with a “Hostage


Vacation’s”


ANNOUNCER


(voice distorter)


We have your family, no one will


get hurt as long as you... have the


time of your life! Hostage


Vacations!


5.


TREVER DEAN (CONT’D

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