Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis: Bruce Willis

Actor

Bruce Willis

Actor

Zach Galifianakis

Series

Between Two Ferns

Director

Scott Aukerman

Editor

Cha-Ching Pictures

Producer

Comedy Deathray

Executive Producer

Funny Or Die

Sound

BoTown Sound

Producer

BJPorter

Producer

Christin Trogan

Additional Credits [+]

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Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis – Bruce Willis – Transcript

The video opens with a title that reads BETWEEN TWO FERNS with ZACH GALIFIANAKIS Presented by Speed Stick. The title fades to reveal Zach Galifianakis and Bruce Willis sitting between two ferns. Bruce Willis lights a cigarette. Zach Galifianakis give Bruce Willis a look.

Zach Galifianakis: Bruce, you can’t smoke in here. You can’t smoke in here. Give me this.

Zach Galifianakis reaches out for the cigarette.

Zach Galifianakis: You can’t smoke.

Zach Galifianakis takes the cigarette and surreptitiously takes a drag from it before putting it out in the fern next to him.

Zach Galifianakis: Hello and welcome to another edition of Between Two Ferns. My name is Zach Galifianakis…

The following text appears: ZACH GALIFIANAKIS HOST.

Zach Galifianakis: …and my guest today is Bruce Willis, movie star and harmonicist.

The following text appears: BRUCE WILLIS ACTOR “MOON LIGHTING”. A noise is heard above Zach Galifianakis and Bruce Willis. Zach Galifianakis looks around nervously.

Zach Galifianakis: What was that? A wasp? Are there wasps in here? Sorry. So, how many children do you have?

Bruce Willis: Three.

Zach Galifianakis: Three. Which is your favorite? Ashton?

Bruce Willis gives Zach Galifianakis a dirty look.

Zach Galifianakis: Do you get his tweets? Like, do you call him and go, “Hey, I got your tweets! Pretty good tweeting today.” (Bruce Willis remains silent.) When you were making The Whole Ten Yards, were you ever worried that it would be too good? (Bruce Willis, again, says nothing.) I’ll just keep moving. Did you know that some actors turn down roles? Any plans to reboot the Grumpy Old Men Franchise.

Bruce Willis says nothing, but starts to shake his head in the negative.

Zach Galifianakis: Bruce, I’m going to need you to loosen up a little bit. This is hard for me. I’m intimidated and you don’t seem to be answering the questions.

Bruce Willis leans in toward Zach Galifianakis.

Bruce Willis: Have we started? We’re not doing any of it now, right?

Zach Galifianakis: No, no, no. We’ve been doing it for about four minutes.

Bruce Willis mumbles something.

Zach Galifianakis: What you talking about, Willis? You ever heard that before?

Bruce Willis: No. It’s a little easy, I gotta tell ya.

Zach Galifianakis: Look who’s talking. Oh yeah.

Zach Galifianakis pulls out a stick of Speed Stick Deodorant, unbuttons his shirt and begins applying it to his underarm.

Zach Galifianakis: Product placement. Under the armpits?

Zach Galifianakis caps the deodorant and tosses it on the floor.

Zach Galifianakis: Sorry. Let’s talk about, where do you keep your Oscar, your Oscar trophy? I mean, your Blockbuster Entertainment Award. Where do you keep that?

Bruce Willis: It’s a great award. I look at it every day and it reminds me of what used to be. How much fun it used to be.

Zach Galifianakis: Yeah, those were the good old days. Like, the late…

Bruce Willis: The Eighties. Eighties man, you could get away with anything.

Zach Galifianakis: Yeah.

Bruce Willis: Women were much cleaner. Much cleaner then. Patent leather shoes and women’s toenails, clicking on the pavement, as you go by Anthropology, and you’re going to buy some candles, and all of a sudden you’re like, I can’t get the candles today Brendanna.

Zach Galifianakis: Bruce, what’s wrong?

Bruce Willis: You’ll see. It’s all parties. Getting blown up and down Hollywood Boulevard, my friend, and then the phone stops ringing, okay. You’re going to get to that fucking point and you’re going to go; now I get it. Now, I understand. Then, you’re sitting in a room and it’s just you and all your cousins.

There is a crackling noise and smoke can be seen rising from Zach Galifianakis’ jacket. Bruce Willis looks over at Zach Galifianakis, whose jacket is now on fire.

Zach Galifianakis: What? Is that a wasp?

Bruce Willis: Don’t move.

Bruce Willis runs off-camera.

Zach Galifianakis: Where are you going? Is that a wasp? Is that a wasp?

Bruce Willis runs back on camera and hoses down Zach Galifianakis with flame thrower.

Zach Galifianakis: Ashton should tweet this.

Bruce Willis sprays Zach Galifianakis with the fire extinguisher again. The video cuts to a title that reads – BETWEEN TWO FERNS with ZACH GALIFIANAKIS Presented by Speed Stick.

Video ends.