How I Seize It #78: "Santa Claus"

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Hey!
Loretta Jenkins here,
wishin' you the
Whatever-The-Fuck-You-Celebrate holiday
from my family of one
here at How I Seize It.
Got me a CandyCane-tini
and hot 3-way comin' over,
so let's get this show on the row!
Shit, I think I might have invited
two 3-ways over at once...
Tune in next time-
I might be tard!
Well, I got me this Christmas card in the mail-
Well, it wasn't JUST a Christmas card.
It just had to be one of you emotionally needy,
can't-lift-your-finger-for-yourself-
unless-you-get-advice-from-Lo
needy bitches out there!
Goddamn, it's the hollerdays!
Leave me alone!
You and me, martini.
You and me to the end.
Basically, she asked me what kinda age
was your youngin' supposed to be
before you tell them they ain't no Santa Claus.
I think it's somewhere in between
the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy and Jesus.
Somewhere in there along them lines.
Ow...
When I was growin' up,
our Santa Claus,
he didn't like milk and cookies.
But instead,
we's supposed to leave him out some Glenlevit
or one of them $10 Hondurans
down there from at the tobacco shop.
I don't what age you need to tell kids
you lied to them they whole life.
It ain't like after that hard reality-smack
that they ever gonna trust you again,
so just keep on lyin' to them, I reckon.
Although, I will say if they over 10
and they still believe,
then you might oughta have them check out.
I'm just tryin' to help.
At our house if you acted up,
you got a beatin'
AND Sanny Claus died.
Daddy would have read it in the papers that day,
or he get one of them phone calls
where the ringer too low for the kids to hear.
Course after you went to the store
and got him some scotch and beef jerky,
he make a miraculous recovery...
Til you got your ass in trouble again.
One year, Sanny Claus got testicular cance
AND he fell in my Uncle Dane's wheat thresher.
Shit, I was dumb enough to believe that.
Course, that did come right afte
I cut all my sister's hair off-
She look like a 5th grade lesbian.
Oh! That's what we call 'Claus and Effect.'
(laughs)
Sorry, Mandy Jo.
Oh!
One time we seen a black Sanny Claus
walkin' into a store
and we was...we-
What was I talkin' about?
Oh!
We was gettin' somethin' for Momma
at the layaway at the K-Mart
on the bad side of town.
Well I was old enough to know
that wasn't the REAL Sanny Claus.
But this was the Sanny that
went and told the REAL Sanny
what you want cause this was
'fore we had the emails.
And I wanted to tell him, you know...
Like I wanted a Cabbage Patch-
Like I did with all the white Sannies!
And I squalled and I hollered
for my daddy to please lemme
go and sit on the black Sanny!
But then Daddy said,
"Thems just for coal babies."
And I didn't know what that was,
but I-
Well fuck I do now...
And I'm kinda embarrassed
that I brought that up now.
Shit, my daddy so racist
he disown me just for accidentally
wrapping his Christmas present
in Kiwanas paper.
Fuck that asshole anyways!
My momma was a whore from way back,
so he probably wasn't
even my daddy to begin with.
My momma told me my daddy
might even be Neil Diamond.
Mmm!
I seen my momma fuckin' Sanny Claus
underneath the tree one time.
I coulda writ that song.
His pecker though, it look just like my daddy's!
(singing)
"Sweet Caroline!
Bum, bum, bum...
Good times never seen so good..."
"Up from the grave he arose..."
"...for a Silent Night."
(laughs)
Oooh y'all,
I love it in the wintertime,
Tank come over wearin' a Sanny Claus suit
and right 'fore he dump his eggnog,
he like,
"Here Comes Sanny Claus,
Here Comes Sanny Claus,
Right Down Sanny Claus Lane..."
(giggles)
You know Sanny Claus Lane's my pussy, y'all.
(laughs)
How come we tell our youngins
not to talk to strangers-
Except for once a year,
we gonna drag your ass down to the mall
and make you sit on the moist lap
of a big ole fat ass clown,
that go by a whole bunch of different names
and we gonna take your picture with him
whether you squallin' or not!
Y'all know he go by all them names like
St. Nick...
Sanny Claus...
Jingle Jangle...
Satan...
and Krispy Kringle...
and Ebenezer Scrooge and uh...
Oh, oh, oh!
He go by that 'Abominable Snowman.'
Y'all remember him and that reindeer thing?
Man when I was a youngin
that used to scare the fuck outta me.
Frosty?
Yeah!
Frosty the Magic Dragon.
And Puff the Magic Sanny Claus...
And Rudolph the Blue-Nosed Reindeer-
Pfffft!
I made that up!
Shit y'all...
Shit all them Sanny Claus names
just teaches youngins there ain't
nothin' wrong with identity theft,
as my second cousin fount out
when they hauled his ass off to the slammer!
Serve him right!
That side of the family
nothin' but criminals and trash anyways.
Let's break down the institution of Sanny Claus
and just evaluate what kind of historical impact
Sanny Claus has had on society.
So, we indoctrinatin' kids with the underlyin' thought
that if you just behave
and follow this certain set of rules-
Oh!
Let's call them 'commandments,'
for argument's sake.
And as long as we believe in him
as instructed by our Elders-
Believe blindly,
like you would a Higher Power,
cause let's face it!
To dish out prezzies to every
goddamn boy and girl
in one goddamn night...
You either gonna need a TON of cocaine,
a time machine...
Or you gonna need the kind of
witchcraft that'll let you create a world in six days
or somethin' like that.
In turn, your blind beliefs is rewarded
with toys and candies galore!
Which in youngin terms is equivalent to Heaven!
Sound like a story YOU might have
been told once or twice in your life?
Well I don't really give a fuck WHAT you think,
cause this is How I Seize It.
Peace on Earth,
my flock of drunkards!
Muah!