[Paul in voiceover] Dear diary.
Wow, what a week.
I'm so excited because people are
talking about me again. Yay!
This week it's because I'm trying
to take insurance away from people.
It's fun when everyone talks about you.
I love being in Congress, because you
actually get to do things for once,
like gut healthcare.
I thought it would be
enough to repeal Obamacare,
but now I get to defund
Planned Parenthood too? Awesome.
It's really great and I'm excited.
I hate abortions and I made a
promise to God on bended knee,
if I was a woman that I would never,
ever, ever have one.
And I'll never talk to a woman who has
had one, or thought about having one,
or know someone who has had one.
I don't know anyone who has had an abortion.
Ugh. It sucks because
I wanted Janna to be excited for me,
but instead she just told
me to think really hard
about whether I wanted to do this,
because there are a lot of consequences
when people lose access to healthcare,
and it might come back
to bite me in the butt.
And I was like,
Janna, hello, it's not about them.
It's about them talking about me.
Plus, I want to stand the good side of
my friends Mike Pence and Mitch McConnell.
They're so cool.
And if I do everything really, really good,
they'll let me sit at the big boys
table in the Congressional mess.
And they get the best swag
from the gun lobby,
like cool pins and
fun t-shirts and timeshares.
[yawns] I am so tired...
People loved when I did that,
and I still don't know what it means.
Love you diary and talk to you soon.