We're Better Than That, Too!!!! w/ Dale Peterson

Uploader

Almost Twins

Actor

Jake Szymanski

Executive Producer

Funny Or Die

Old embed code (only works with browsers that support Adobe Flash)

The video opens with a shot of a copy of the Constitution with a pair of soldier's dog-tags that read Peterson and a pin with the the Seal of the United States on it. The following text appears in the bottom left hand corner: Dale Peterson Agriculture Commissioner. The shot cuts to Jake Szymanski dressed like Dale Peterson walking and then riding a horse.

Jake Szymanski: Hi! I'm Dale Peterson and I'm after the Republican nomination for Agricultural Commissioner of Alabama.

The shot cuts to Jake Szymanski standing next to the horse.

Jake Szymanski: I've been a farmer. A cop. A volunteer. I sat people in a movie theater one summer. One time I gave a guy a handjob for $20 and a pack of cigarettes. So listen up! The Agricultural Commissioner of Alabama is one of the most important positions starting under the letter A because I go too bored to read the rest of the availabilities. It controls 5 billion dollars. Bet you didn't know that. Well it's true. But it ain't. Because I made it up. No I didn't. Who said that? Probably my political opponents and they don't give a rip about Alabama. Not like Franklin and me. Here we are losing three family farms a day and the Jack in the Box that I go to just closed down. Jeans cost $80. I don't want some, I want a Jack in the Box. My opponent is no Facebook bragging about his score on Farmville.

The shot cuts to a close up of Franklin the horse.

Franklin (Jake Szymanski voiceover): What kind of dummy would vote for him?

The shot cuts back to Jake Szymanski standing next to Franklin the horse.

Jake Szymanski: I don't know Franklin, but it wasn't Franklin talking. It was me. We're Republicans and we're better than that. (Jake Szymanski swings a rifle up onto his shoulder.) I'll name names and I won't stop fighting. I'll kill a man. I'll put a gun right in someone's mouth and say, you need more lead in your diet, right before I pull the trigger. So give me the Republican nomination for Ag Commissioner or I'll shoot you in the God damn head.

The shot cuts to Jake Szymanski looking over his shoulder.

Jake Szymanski: Now let's show Alabama we mean business.

The following text appears:

AlabamaBlabber.com

Paid for by
Dale
You know where I live!

Jake Szymanski starts walking away and pulling Franklin along with him.

Jake Szymanski: Come on Franklin. Franklin, we mean business. Come on. Git. Franklin. Business.

Video ends.