Starring John Goodman Featuring Mike Rose, Tony Cavalero, Tony Rodriguez Written and Directed by Nick Corirossi Produced by Ally Hord DP Brian Lane 2nd AC Seth Craven Gaffer David Cronin Grips Mike Rousselet Production Designer Martin Vallejo Art Director Candy Lopez HMU Chris Mills Wardrobe Tala Bahktar Sound Steve Pallow for BoTown Editor Andy Maxwell
John Goodman: Why, hello there. It's me, the Colonel. It don't take a bony-fide Einstein genius to know that I'm an oldly-fashioned sort. But, when it comes to the subjamacation of marriage rights, well, I reckon I'm a bit more progressive than my pals down at Chick-Fil-A.
John Goodman: Yep! Let it be known that Colonel Sanders loves the gays. Hell, I might even be gay!
Tony Rodriguez: Hey, Colonel, dinner's almost ready.
John Goodman: Be right there, Omarion! See?
John Goodman: Ay! I was just tapping a toe to my favorite Bette Midler album. Thighs and Whispers. Hah. I know what you're thinking as you lie there snuggling up with your bear. You're thinking "How do I know you're not just a gibbering this jab to win more of my gay business?" Well, you don't! But, what you should know is that I love all gay people. Always. And, we're open on Sundays.
John Goodman: That's right! The only church the Colonel attends on Sunday is the church of chicken. Not to be confused with Church's Chicken who I hear, unlike myself, hate gays! We all know that when it comes to the chicken of America, I prefer the white meat to the dark. But, never in my one hundred and forty years on this earth have I ever harmed a gay. Hell, I prefer to see the world the way my hormone-bloated, antibiotically-injected chickens do. Without gender. Or beaks. Or a butt hole.
John Goodman: Once again we're even issuing a table dance mandate at participating locations. Only the pocket squares of a gentleman can be used as a banana hammock. Yea! [Laughs]. Hell, I don't actually give a s**t. Gay or not, you're all just a bunch of big old money mouths. Walking around talking and eating.
John Goodman: But, if you have to pick one chicken chain, why not pick us? I know their service is better, but, we got those bowls.
John Goodman: [Singing] If you want the gayest chicken, you ha-ave to vi-i-sit me!