Funny Or Die has asked the best sketch groups in the world to play around in their lab: In this episode, The Kids Table explores topics ranging from pregnancy scares to drug-fueled nightmares. Enjoy!
- January 22, 2015
- 28k Views
Written by and Starring Igor Hiller, Emily Krakowsky, and Marvin Lemus
Directed and Edited by Marvin Lemus
Featuring: Marley Lieberman, Amy Goodman, Luke Klompein, and Erik Schneider
DPs: Erik Schneider and Bryce Lansing
Make Up/Hair "Pot Pockets" Jen Osborne
Music "Pot Pockets": Joe Weber
Vocals "Pot Pockets": Ingrid Gilming
Test Tube Executive Producer Matt Mazany
January 22, 2015
What's with you guys?
> Igor and I were talking last night and
we realized that neither of us
have ever been in a threesome.
> We wanna do it.
But we wanna do it with you.
> But I, I mean, that's kind of weird
cuz, like, we like work together.
> I don't see how, where,
we love each other.
> You love me?
> Have I never?
Yeah, I love you.
> We enjoy each other's company.
We respect each other.
If, we have fun, like,
if that's not love, then what is?
> Like, I love my mom,
doesn't mean I want to have like
a threesome with my mom, and like.
> Well, that's your choice,
that's your choice.
And it's really important to us
that this is really diverse.
We want to cover the full color spectrum.
> So, white and brown?
> Yeah, like rice and beans.
> See we're trying to
make this comfortable and
familiar for you.
> We wanna be the two white hands
holding a churro, and you're the churro.
> You guys, I'm going to be real.
I didn't really imagine my first
threesome being so racist.
So I think I'm going to pass.
> Look at us, we're so, like, cute, and
little and thin, you're like, big and fat.
Like, when are you going to get
another opportunity like this?
> Are you saying I'm not desirable?
Have you ever seen that Michelin Man?
Cuz you're like-
> I, I want you to stop.
Because I already see where this is going.
> What wait.
What about like,
Stay Puft Marshmallow Man?
Is that more appealing to you?
> Yeah, have you ever seen Ghostbusters?
> I don't understand what that has to
do with the threesome with you two.
> That was such a funny movie.
You're fatter than those
three guys combined.
> You guys are really bad at persuasion.
> Come on.
[KISS] Don't you want to be with this?
This and well, this too.
That does look pretty tasty.
All right, yeah, all right.
Let's do this.
> Let's go.
You guys, this is gonna be great.
I've always thought about
fucking you guys and
I just never really wanted to act on this.
> But it's gonna be a lot of fun.
I'm gonna try some things.
> You thought about doing what with us?
> Fucking you guys?
> I'm, I'm sorry.
What do you guys think a threesome is?
> Like going to Six Flags,
holding hands on the coasters,
feeding each other cotton candy.
> Igor, it sounds like you want,
like, a date with friends.
Hanging out with two friends.
> Three friends having some fun.
> You guys, a threesome means, like, when
three people have sex with each other.
> How does that even work?
> That's the thing.
There's so many ways.
There's no wrong way to do it.
Except for what you guys said.
> No, we don't, we don't want
you in our threesome anymore.
> We'll do it here.
We'll go to the room right now and
we're gonna have sex.
> I don't want to go to
Six Flags with any needy people.
> I want this.
I want it.
> Well, I don't want it at all.
> No, no.
> You guys can't just
dangle that carrot in front of me and
then just take it away.
> You know what?
Igor can dangle his
carrot wherever he wants.
> Please, that's what I want!
That's what I want!
> Go home and
masturbate like you always do.
> It's not fair what you guys just did.
> Why don't we go to
the farmer's market and shop?
> That sounds nice.
> I'm not wearing a bra.
> I am.
> When you want a tasty treat that's
full of weed, what are you gonna pick?
When you get the munchies and you need
some more to eat, what are you gonna pick?
When you forget about the first two and
you need another one,
what are you gonna pick?
> From the makers of Hot Pockets comes
the delicious marijuana-filled snack,
> Be careful, it's hard to have just one.
> When the drugs and
crap you need are making you sick, and you
think you'll either die or your butthole
will explode, what are you gonna pick?
When you're pretty sure that
there's a goblin in your house,
he'll take you down to goblin land and
make you his goblin queen, so
grab the nearest weapon and you fight for
your life, what are you gonna pick?
> Try Meth Pockets, too.
> I don't need to know
how to parallel park.
There are gonna, there are gonna be cars
that know how to do that on their own.
> Good God,
he looks like what bacon tastes like.
> How about we leave my roommate alone
and not treat him like a piece of meat.
> I'm sorry, but that is a beautiful man.
His ass is like a ski mask.
Like, I just, I wanna put my face in it.
I just wanna feel the warmth and
> You wanna live with your
face inside of a man's butt?
> I wanna fuck him so
hard I start my April period.
> Why would you want that?
> Think about that for a second.
> It's February.
> That's not a thing.
That's not possible.
> I wanna play piano on his dick.
Symphony in C?
More like my hands on his D.
> That's a human being.
> Knock, knock.
> Who's there?
> I want to fuck Luke.
> [LAUGH] Have you heard of the new
Cirque du Soleil show Penay?
> It's just me
sucking Luke's dick for three days.
> Oh my God, I'm getting tickets to that.
> I want him to eat me and
shit me out and eat me again.
> Yeah, eat that shit Emily.
> Igor, just take a second and
actually look at him.
> Why would I do, Why would I do that?
> Look at him!
> I would sell my soul to the devil just
to make more room in my body for his cock.
[LAUGH] It's a big penis is what bite.
> A long one.
> Which was just on his asshole.
> Like, it would be amazing.
It would be an amazing time.
And then we'd have so much fun.
> Because that's what you do [CROSSTALK].
> And so Luke moved on to the next town,
just as he had 100 times before,
searching for a place where people
judged him not by the smoothness,
tautness and sexiness of his skin,
but by the content of his character.
> Oh my God, can I suck your dick?
> I like mine straight up, no ice.
> Yeah, me too.
> [RUMBLE] Earthquake.
> Get our prized possessions.
> The portrait of Grandfather.
> No, no, no.
Not the Jenga.
Not the Jenga.
No, no, no, no.
Fuck, fuck, the Jenga.
> No, no, no, no our finances.
How much do we owe PGNE?
> Not my sand castle, no!
[SIGH] Well, martinis are ready.
> Congrats on the new place, Igor.
> Whoa, this place is dope.
I guess you could call me a homeowner now.
> You bought this place?
> Yeah, I rent.
Listen, guys, can I ask you a huge favor?
I need some money for rent.
Didn't you just move in?
> Yeah, but apparently they make you pay
this deposit in case you break something.
By the way, so sorry about your lamp.
I'm getting you a new one at Ikea.
So do you think I could get,
like, 300 bucks from each of you?
I totally understand if it's too much.
> Of course.
You're, you're, like, our best friend.
We're in love with, we love you.
> Thank you, thank you.
This is huge, if I don't give them the
money today they're gonna kick me out, so
I'm just gonna run to the bank,
> Don't worry about it.
We got you.
> Thank you, I'll be right back.
> Yeah dude, take your time, dude.
I don't have $300 in my account.
> Me neither.
But for the next 15 minutes
before those checks bounce,
think about how happy we made Igor.
> You're right.
We brought him joy.
> That's priceless.
> We're such good friends.
> I love us.
> God, summer is the best.
> Let's all go to Raging Waters!
> I don't know, you guys.
it's probably really crowded right now.
It's probably going to
be a lot of long lines.
> But we've got to enjoy
this beautiful summer day.
> Come on, guys, my mom said we
could run through the sprinklers.
> Let's go!
> Hey dude,
is your summer a total bummer?
You don't wanna take your shirt
off in front of your thin,
attractive friends, do ya?
Want something that will help
you join in on the fun, and
still look totally bodacious?
Here you go, brah!
It's a Big White Tee.
Wait for me!
> Looking good, man!
> Picnicking is fun with a big,
> Can someone pass me the ketchup?
> All right guys,
it's shirts versus skins.
> I know what team I'm on!
> Don't trip.
You got a Big White Tee.
Big White Tee brings you and
your friends together.
> You guys, what's going on?
It's upside down for me.
> Marvin, just shut up.
> Big White Tee will even
protect you from the elements.
> On a quiet a night like this,
you can still hear the muffled whimpers
of the ghost babies of Kling Street.
> That was a good story.
I'm ready for bed, you guys.
> Me too.
> Wait, you guys,
it's really scary out here.
> Good night, Marvin.
We love you.
> What about the ghost babies?
> Caution, do not swim in Big White Tee.
Gnarly drowning hazard.
> There's a bunch of these monkeys and
they're like, flinging poop.
> I love monkeys.
> There's a.
> I love monkeys.
> There's a video of, of,
of a monkey masturbating with a ball.
> Monkey ball.
Monkey with an AK-47?
> I'm not kidding.
> Oh, my God!
It really has an AK-47.
> Who would put this here?
> You guys, can we focus for
like five minutes?
We need sketch ideas for this weekend.
> Oh, hold on, hold on, all right.
I'm Emily, I'm Emily.
Oh, we have to focus.
We have to focus because we
have things we want to write.
It's me, Emily.
> I like you but
I think it's more like, I'm Emily.
We can't have any fun.
> I don't sound like a man.
> No fun.
> Yeah, yeah, yeah.
> Careful, careful.
> Work all day.
> That's, that's close.
> Something, right?
I think it's kinda like that.
> I think, I think you guys are really on
the way, but it's really more like this.
It's like, like I'm Emily, like-
> Okay you just,
you look just like Emily.
> She's a dog?
> She's like a little dog.
> Doesn't even make sense.
> I'm Emily.
> I'm Emily.
> I'm Emily.
> Oh yes.
> You guys are like savages.
You wouldn't get anything
done if I wasn't here.
> That's not true.
> Yeah, right!
> We are professionals.
> We are!
> Guys, I think we need to focus!
> I'm leaving!
> Please leave.
> Whatever, we're going to
get it all done without you.
> Ugh, my bag.
> She's so beautiful.
I can't believe how lucky I am.
This is exactly where I
dreamed I'd always be.
But I still wanna fuck other girls.
I've never felt some
comfortable with anyone.
It's like I'm finally able to be myself.
But she doesn't think The Onion is funny.
She makes me laugh every day.
But she doesn't flush after she pees?
I don't know what I would
do if she ever got hurt.
Her laugh is so loud.
She challenges me to think beyond myself.
But, my ex gave better head.
She would make an amazing
mother to my children.
Oh, but she's a mouth-breather.
I have more fun with her than
I do with my best friends.
But there's never any
parking at her place.
She's strong and independent.
And I love that.
But she uses my profile on Hulu, and
that totally fucks up my recommendations.
Like, I never watch Nashville,
what the fuck?
I think we should break up.
Wait, am I an asshole?
> What am I gonna do?
> It's gonna be fine.
Emily, if you're pregnant
we'll take care of you.
> This is exciting.
> Yeah, babies are so much fun!
> What's that called when you
put a baby on your head and
then you have a trench coat on and
you're like a baby man.
> I think it's just baby man.
> Oh, yeah, Mr. Baby Man.
> My grandma's gonna know
that I'm sexually active.
> Oh, and girls love babies.
We could take him out with us.
> Oh, ultimate wingman.
You're talking to a girl,
you've got a baby, and
then the baby throws up on the girl, and
now you're like oh, I'm sorry, girl.
Now you're dabbing her boobies
trying to get the vomit off.
> You're getting it all off.
> What are you talking about?
Vomit on a lady's boobs?
> Baby, leave your mom at home.
The club is full of ladies and
you're gonna help us get them.
> Leave Beyonce out of this.
> Emily, calm down.
Just think about how relaxing this
is gonna be when we're all on
> Prenatal massages.
Le Mans classes.
Which sounds like free froyo.
You get free froyo there?
> Where you get Le Mans classes?
> I think so.
> Oh, and our hair and
nails are gonna look banging
from all the prenatal vitamins.
> Why do you think you're
gonna be on maternity leave?
> Well we kinda figured like it
would be like a Kids Table baby.
> I am a part time file clerk.
What kind of benefits do you think I have?
> Ooh, let's name him so
his initials are TKT like The Kids Table.
> I love that,
like an official Kids Table baby.
> Yeah, we can name it Tina Kelly Trish.
> Your name is Igor.
You should know how hard it is to go
through life with a shitty name.
> Trouble Kielbasa Table.
> Tiffany Kelsey Table.
> I'm not gonna name my baby
any of this awful bullshit.
> The Knights Table.
> This is not a game.
This is my pee on a stick, this is real.
> Emily, you could do whatever you want.
Like, you could tell your baby
that the sky is named Richard.
And like, every day you could be like,
Do you know what I mean,
like, it doesn't matter.
> It doesn't know any better,
because it's a baby, and
that's what you taught it.
> I'm gonna barf every morning.
I'm gonna get fucking fat.
My feet are gonna hurt.
> Think about this, you know every
mistake that you'd ever made in your life,
you can make sure your baby doesn't
do all that, so that he's perfect.
> My life is over.
What about Tyrone Kalisha Table?
> Oh, my God.
> Bring the baby into our life.
> More than one baby.
> Please baby awesome.
> Thank god.
> We're having a baby.
[LAUGH] We're doing it, we're doing it!
> You idiots, I'm not pregnant.
> Guys, it's gonna be okay.
In the words of another great pop diva,
you'll always be a part of me.
I'm part of you indefinitely.
> Boy, don't you know you can't escape
me, ooh darling,
cuz you'll always be my baby.
> You'll be a good mom.
> One day.