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Yall I jess lernt how ta use emails lass yeer so iont unnerstans how folks frum... more »
Published July 06, 2012 220 views More Info »
It's fan appreciation day here
on How I Seize It
and I'm fixin' to depreciate the hell outta y'all.
Right here, right now, so let's go!
Let's begin with our mornin' mail-
And yeah, maybe it IS 11:00PM-
It's MY mornin', not y'alls-
Don't get smart with me
or I will gangbang the hell outta you.
This first letter here is from Freiderich-
Oh yeah, I'm big in Lichtenstein!
"Dear Ms. Jenkins, you're outstandin'-"
See! They call me outstandin'!
I'm outstandin'.
"-balance of Frederick's of Hollywood-"
I ain't no goddamn Ms...
Get it right and maybe I'll stop ignorin'
your harrassment letters,
you stoop mother fuckin' foreigners!
"Dear Lo, 
You so insightful.
How you always know the right thing to say?
Joe from Opp, Alabama.
Can I rub you down with peanut oil
and spank your titties with my six inch-
(paper wadding)
You know, that little dick prevert
do bring up a good point.
People ask me time and again
how I can to predict the social trends
and where I get the warewithall
to know the world's stoopness 
and change the path of Man.
Guess it's just a gift from above!
I don't know.  
I's just born this way.
Believes it or not,
I got these two ghost sisters
what's live in my head-
Mona and Margie.
And Mona now...she real nice.
Gots common sense and make me know
the difference between right and good, but Margie?
Oh she angry.
I think her husband beat her alot
when she's alive and it makes he
kind of a bully.
Long story shorten,
I ejected them out of the trailer park
long ago and ever since they killed theyself
in a double suicide so they wouldn't be homeless,
they been hauntin' my noggin',
and that's why I drink so much.
It keep them wolves at bay.
Let's read my me-mails.
I calls them that cause they my e-mails
and they for me.
Goddamn, I'm witty.
Hey y'all ever Google yourself?
Let me see how famous I done got.
Who put my naked pictures on
Adult Friend Finder?
Oh wait...That was me.
What else?
I've been-
I've been Wiki-ed!
Somebody done put me on the Wikis!
I'm one of them Wikileakers!
Goddamn, who let them put my birthyear on here?
That ain't right! Eh-
I am 38 years old, goddamnit.
(Instant Message sound)
AnonymousHo87 says,
"Hey bitch, how come your glasses is broke?"
Now how the fuck she-
Is that you?
Goddamnit, I drowned out my conscience.
Im gonna need professional help for this.
OPERATOR: 911. What is your emergency?
LORETTA: Hey Whore!
This Loretta down at the Tin Dreams.
Listen! I have been thoroughly Wikipedia-linked.
You got that?
Somebody is hackin' into me
and they got access to all my identity thefts
and all my titty pictures
with me and President Clinton
and all my lesbian werewolf fan fictions.
And what you lazy pigs gonna do about it, huh?
I tell you what? Nothin'!
Cause you a sack of human waste product
and that's the God's truth!
...I been cyberterrorized!
(Instant Message noise)
Loretta, this is God.
(Instant Message noise)
Confess your sins to the world
and let them know what a stank-face
two-piece backstabby piece of shit
slumlord you be.
Hey I got street creds to think of!
(Instant Message noises)
Oh no. No!!
Please don't smite me down with sobriety, Lord!
Alright, y'all...
By the decrees of the Almighty,
this is the five worstest things
I ever done in my whole life.
I switched Chrystal's twin babies around
after they named them cause I was bored
and I thought it sounded like fun.
I 'embezzled' a bunch of money
from this old folks' home I worked for,
then I shove it up my nose
with a ton of coke
and that's why I can't smell good no more,
and that's why I can't remember much of the late 90s.
I killed every one of Mamaw's hellcats
cause I was bored and it sounded like fun.
When I was 16, I left my baby on the back of a dumpste
behind the Sak-N-Sudz cause that bitch's formula
was eatin' into my drinkin' budget and, and-
I did have a baby once or twice.
I been thinkin' that was a nightmare.
(Instant Message noise)
Don't make me do that, Lord!
It seems like I get to keep my biggest secret a secret,
long as I agree to the followin'.
Sadly, this gonna be my last HISI ever,
so I can avoid prison time.
Had a good run at changin' the world
with some common sense,
and now we at the end of our rope
and it's time to hang ourselves out to dry.
And that's How I Seize It.
Bye drankin' buddies...

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