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his Day Must End Episode 1 - "This is how we are after Fallout" Set 10 years after a... more »
Published July 22, 2010 400 views More Info ยป
Additional Credits
Additional Credits:
With: Adi Ashburner, Francisco Chacin, Marisa Ship, David Kirk, Ron Waddling and Donnie Anderson
16 Funny Votes
6 Die Votes
398 Views
Published July 22, 2010
EXT. TRUDEAU CENTRE
The city is bleak, as always
INT. LGB AND ASSOCIATES
LUPE is storming down a hall and runs into CALVIN
CALVIN
This can't be good.
LUPE
I am so mad right now.
She stomps her foot.
CALVIN
You even have a little foot stomp thing there, that's... did you practice that?
LUPE
A little.
She stomps again for emphasis.
CALVIN
Once is enough.
LUPE
Okay.
CALVIN
What's up?
LUPE
This month's reward for most number of resolved grief center calls was a 500 dollar coupon to New Day. It's the most exclusive store in Toronto and the fur coat I've always wanted is on sale, look!
She thrusts forward a flyer.
CALVIN
Is that a stuffed eagle on it?
LUPE
Oh, they animals were killed during perfume testing so it's not like it's curelty or anything. Anyway, that witch Hecate in call booth 94, well she's getting the coupon but it's only because the network was down on the day the children's hospital exploded. I resolved so many more calls that day and if they were logged that coat would be mine!
CALVIN
Ah.
LUPE
Calvin we are a grief counseling agency and I am the best. I made so many parents feel good about their dead kids that day! We are a grief counseling company and I AM THE BEST! Do you even remember that day?
CALVIN
Uh...
CUT TO:
INT. OFFICE
There is a panicked atmosphere, people are sobbing and everything looks grim. Calvin looks nonplussed as he walks up to ADAM, an ATTRACTIVE OFFICE WORKER
CALVIN
Hey, Adam, listen the network is down--
ADAM
I know... all those kids... it's...
CALVIN
Yeah, so all my porn is completely inaccesable. Anyway, I know your straight but do you have any like, naked photos of yourself? Something I could borrow?
Josh stares in disbelief he leaves
CALVIN (CONT'D)
I'm not hitting on you or anything, I just-- What? I just wanted the photos.
CUT TO:
INT. OFFICE
CALVIN
Vaguely.
LUPE
I am going to confront Isaac about this. He needs to find those lost call logs and make sure I win that fur coat.
She grabs Calvin
LUPE (CONT'D)
I AM GETTING THAT COAT CALVIN
CALVIN
What is so important about the coat?
LUPE
THINK OF WHAT I COULD DO!
CUT TO:
A STREET CORNER OUTSIDE A CLUB
There is a long lineup, Lupe is at the front right in front of the BOUNCER
LUPE
I'd like to cut in front of this line to get into this exclusive club!
BOUNCER
(beaming) Well you are wearing a fancy fur coat!
He gestures her in.
CUT TO:
INT. OFFICE
CALVIN
That seems... very likely. But Lupe, Isaac isn't just going to go back to those calls because you want. The only reason I haven't fucked him is because, well, he's already got a rod up his ass.
LUPE
He also says he's no attracted to you even a little.
CALVIN
Well, that's... Anyway, you need to be confident with Isaac.
LUPE
Okay, I'm confident.
CALVIN
You look scared.
LUPE
I'm scared.
CALVIN
Right, stand tall.
She does so.
CALVIN (CONT'D)
Legs together.
She does so.
CALVIN (CONT'D)
Chin up, chest out.
She does so.
CALVIN (CONT'D)
Now how do you feel.
LUPE
Almost there!
Calvin ducks in behind her and holds her ribs, pushing her breasts up.
CALVIN
Now how do you feel?
LUPE
Like I'm on the masthead of a ship...!
CALVIN
Be the Mermaid Lupe!
LUPE
(dreamily) Ahoy...
Slam to credits
INT. TRUDEAU CENTRE
Calvin and Lupe stand in the same position when Isaac enters.
ISAAC
You look ridiculous.
CALVIN
She wants her well-earned coupon.
LUPE
And I'll have you know--
As she begins speaking, Calvin removes his hands. She stops.
LUPE (CONT'D)
No, no, it helps.
CALVIN
(quickly) Right.
He moves his hands back.
LUPE
That as someone who is directly responsible for this company's main purpose I feel entitled to that coat?
ISAAC
It won't make you feel special
LUPE
I WILL HAVE ALL THE SPECIAL!
She moves forward, Calvin moving his hands away.
ISAAC
Is this the same as when you tried to feel important last week?
LUPE
I was important!
CUT TO:
INT. OFFICE
Isaac pokes his head around the corner to Lupe's cubicle. She is wearing an enormous hat that reads 'Important' in large lettering.
ISAAC
Lupe can you--
LUPE
I'm important.
ISAAC
I can see that.
LUPE
And busy.
ISAAC
You don't look busy.
LUPE
GODAMN HOLOGRAMS!
Lupe slams a button on her desk and two floating holograms appear that read 'Busy'
ISAAC
That's not how busy works.
A beat.
LUPE
I'm really swamped here Isaac.
CUT TO:
EXT. TRUDEAU CENTRE
INT. OFFICE - ISAAC'S CUBICLE.
Calvin sits as Isaac types on his computer.
CALVIN
You gonna give her the coat?
ISAAC
Don't you have something to fix?
CALVIN
No, you see I'm good at my job floor-manager-boy.
TAYHR appears in the entrance holding some papers. He says nothing at first.
CALVIN (CONT'D)
I had a date last night!
ISAAC
Getting a blowjob isn't a date.
CALVIN
I didn't pay him and he didn't steal my stuff, so it was a date.
TAYHR
Hello.
Isaac and Calvin notice Tayhr.
ISAAC
Oh, right, are those the files?
TAYHR
Yes!
He hands them to Isaac. He continues to watch vapidly for a few moments.
TAYHR (CONT'D)
I'm Tayhr.
ISAAC
Thanks, you can go now.
Tayhr leaves.
CALVIN
Who's that?
ISAAC
The new intern. Don't try and sleep with him.
CALVIN
I would never-- Wait...
CUT TO:
INT. CALVIN'S APARTMENT
He is leading Tayhr through it, Tayhr is drinking orange juice.
CALVIN
And this is the bedroom.
TAYHR
This juice tastes funny.
Tayhr enters the bedroom. Calvin closes the door and locks it.
TAYHR (CONT'D)
Wow, you sure have a lot of condoms.
CALVIN
Did you finish all your juice?
TAYHR
I feel dizzy.
There is a thump. Calvin pulls out his cell.
CALVIN
Hey Isaac, guess what I'm doing tonight?
CUT TO:
INT. OFFICE - ISAAC'S CUBICLE.
CALVIN
Okay I would. I'm getting some food.
CUT TO:
INT. HALLWAY
Calvin walks past VOYNICH's cubicle. VOYNICH wears sunglasses almost perpetually and speaks softly.
VOYNICH
Pursuing sexual relations with that boy will only end in sadness.
CALVIN
You say that about every guy I try to have sex with.
VOYNICH
And I am always right.
CALVIN
You don't fool me Voynich. You're not a wise engima, you're just weird.
VOYNICH
You will choose to believe me or not.
CALVIN
That's just a tautology you fucker.
VOYNICH
Is it?
CALVIN
I'm going to kill you one day.
CUT TO:
INT. KITCHEN
Calvin and Tayhr stand.
Calvin is looking in the fridge.
CALVIN
Nobody ever brings anything good to steal... Anyway, I was wondering, do you wanna maybe go out after work for a drink, or... to like a park... or, I dunno, maybe my place.
There is a pause. Tayhr produces a sheet of paper and reads it carefully.
TAYHR
No.
CALVIN
What's that.
TAYHR
Isaac said I should always check it before I talk to you.
CALVIN
This is fantastic. There's nothing to eat and I'm not allowed to sleep with you. You have officially become useless to me. You serve no purpose. Go away, I am going to empty the portion of my brain you once occupied.
TAYHR
But I made you a grillded cheese.
He meekly holds up a sandwhich.
CALVIN
(mouth full) You may stay. Hey can, I see that sheet?
Tayhr once again studies it carefully
TAYHR
No.
CUT TO:
INT. OFFICE - ISAAC'S CUBICLE.
Lupe is now with Isaac.
LUPE
And I would be more confident in my job!
Isaac raises an eyebrow.
LUPE (CONT'D)
Oh don't do that. You do that to me every day. One day your eyebrow will get stuck like that and then what'll happen when you finally meet man who wants to marry you?
CUT TO:
INT. ROOM
CRAIG stands in front of Isaac, the camera over Isaac's shoulder.
CRAIG
I really think this is it, Isaac. I think you're the one.
Swish pan to Isaac whose eyebrow is raised skeptically.
ISAAC
I'm so happy.
CUT TO:
INT. OFFICE - ISAAC'S CUBICLE.
ISAAC
Fair enough.
Calvin comes storming in.
CALVIN
That's it! This is the third time you have used your official powers to keep my penis away from something!
ISAAC
Calvin, I just testified at the trial, a restraining order against a porn star is hardly my 'official' power. You didn't really help yourself at trial.
CUT TO:
INT. COURTROOM
CALVIN
Alright, to be fair, I was really, really drunk, and I've seen all of Brent Corrigan's and I can hardly be blamed for thinking he wouldn't want to be spontaneously jumped from behind.
VOICE (O.S.)
Objection, your worship, in none of Mr. Corrigan's pornography depict such a situation.
CALVIN
Move to strike! Is that... is that something I can do? I can... I'm gonna stick with that, 'move to strike'. Do I get a point? I'm sorry, I thought the scoreboard would actually be 'on display', but... like what is that at the end?
CUT TO:
EXT. HALLWAY
Isaac walks ahead of Calvin and Lupe
ISAAC
If you can relink the files from the network, I can give Lupe the coupon.
CALVIN
Fine, let's do this.
A device appears on his hand.
ISAAC
That doesn't make you look cool.
CALVIN
If I added I really headpiece that's all future-y.
ISAAC
Not happening.
CALVIN
I already bought it.
CUT TO:
INT. SERVER ROOM.
Calvin is wearing an enormous helmet and using the device on his hand to link a beam to a server.
CALVIN
This should restore your call log.
LUPE
Shouldn't I be wearing a helmet or something?
CALVIN
Its just for show. I'm trying to look cool in front of the new intern and Isaac.
Suddenly, sparks fly out from the device, hitting the helmet and sizzling.
CALVIN (CONT'D)
You... you should probably maybe look away a bit.
Lupe backs off, staring at Calvin.
CUT TO:
EXT. TRUDEAU CENTRE - TWO DAYS LATER
Calvin is with Tayhr and Isaac. Tayhr hands Isaac some paper. Isaac holds a stapler.
ISAAC
Thanks. Dammit, I need to get a new stapler--
TAYHR
I gots you one.
He hands Isaac a stapler. Isaac and Calvin walk away.
ISAAC
What a strange boy.
CALVIN
I will never stop hitting on him. Not him or you. Deal with it.
Isaac sighs.
The door swings open and Lupe walks in in a fur coat. She walks up to Tayhr.
TAYHR
I left your follow up call sheets on your desk Lupe.
LUPE
(Smiling lazily) Who the fuck cares? I have a fur coat!
She exits.
TAYHR
This place is weird.

AFTER CREDITS:

VOYNICH
I thinks we're all inexorably spiralling towards the future.
CALVIN
I am going to stab you in the eye.

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