How I Seize It #70: "Bath Salts"

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How I Seize It

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Hey!
This here Loretta Jenkins
ready to jeck you in the soul
with another How I Seize It.
Look!
I am more than a loud mouth with a hot snatch.
I am a great and powerful oracle
bequeathin' you commoners
straight-talk prophecies and universal warnings
that's done come true!
You bitches know what I'm talkin' about
Foshizzle Fo' Sho'.
Did I just not predict that folks was gonna
turn into flesh-eatin' zombies or what?
I think I did one just back yonder the other day.
Now listen up!
If you one of the folks out there
that don't watch the news
or you cut off from society-
I said Listen The Fuck Up!
What'd I say?
HUH?
What did I say?
Yeah!
What the fuck did I say?
Goddamnit...
Hold on.
Y'all they's a new war on drugs
and it's a horrible menace to our society.
And y'all that's why all the Bed, Bath & Beyonds
gonna be closin' down
cause that lady on Channel 6
says we all gonna be gettin' high
on the Bath Salts!
And that got my wheels starts to churnin'
and you know how them Jews
gots the markets cornered on them cookin' salts?
Well, I think part of the strategy
of this Muslim jihad against us
is to prey on our white weakness
for these cheap ass gas station drugs.
Especially us trailer folk,
whose been genetically proven
to have LESS willpower genes.
So it ain't our fault!
We all got a crutch.
You got your coffee.
I got my liquor.
But I draw the line at shit that make you
wanna eat people.
I mean food to me is nasty enough.
I ain't down with that Soylent Green monkey-biznitch!
I mean don't it seem suspicious
that everytime you go get gas no more
they's a whaft of incense all around
and a habib behind the counter all smilin'
and pushin' energy drinks on ya
and they's always this scared-lookin' older lady
with a red dot on her head
starin' out from behind an office
lookin' like she hope you call the law
'cept I don't give a fuck!
I mean that's why they own all these gas stations!
They druggin' us!
Shit, I'm gonna have to get my hooch elsewheres.
Hmmm?
Fuck you, Margie.
I ain't doin' that shit,
I done told ya.
I ain't gonna be no Hannibal Cannibal.
I tell you what,
a few years back I smoked that opium,
for like six hours straight
I was the goddamn dumbest person alive-
Dumber than the whole state of Mississippi.
(laughs)
What I wanna know is
who come up with this idea
to huff and puff
and blow this shit up they nose?
I mean it's like the first time I done cocaine.
I didn't know if it was REAL cocaine,
or somethin' that was gonna be bad for me.
The general rule of thumb is
don't buy drugs from strangers or fidgety hookers,
or your principal.
Learnt that one the hard way...
We need to seriously think about
puttin' them Mr. Yuck stickers
on these bath salts
so our younger generation
knows that they poison and'll kill ya!
Oooh!
I should steal all Tappy's panties
off her clothesline and silkscreen
Mr. Yuck on her cooters!
Cause you know that ho probably
full of some toxic snake bite juice shit!
Or somethin'...LOL.
Would it be too much to ask
folks to stop eatin' each other?
Huh?
I tell you what's gonna happen...
All this is just gonna be trainin' us
for the day that the sun die
and all the plants and animals
die as a result.
I mean, we ain't gonna have
nothin' to eat except for
canned peaches and beans
and each other!
Unless you got your wits about you
and decide to go fully liquid like myself!
Now I done some experimentin' in the past...
One time, me and my asshole ex,
we dried out some banana peels
and we rolled that up and smoked that shit.
But all we did was let this black dude
listen do us fuck over the speaker phone...
We didn't get the urge
to chew nobody chin off or nothin'.
What kinda fuckin' pussy are you
that you can't find no REAL drug
to get your buzz offa?
Fuckin' kids today.
You supposed to get your drugs
off a drug dealer,
not off some porn store down the road.
Goddamn society beyond repai
if you want my opinionation.
We hopefully gonna do us a HISI on marijuana soon,
cause lots of my Doobie Drinkin' Buddies
wanna know my 4-1-1 on that.
But lemme leave you with this,
you DEA motherfuckers.
They's always gonna be somethin'
that some dumb fuck wanna put
in they bodies that'll kill 'em!
If folks is too stoop to regulate they own bodie-
And I think most Americans gonna agree with me here...
Then they TOO FUCKIN' STOOP TO LIVE!!!
Just thin out the herds, motherfuckers!
(laughs)
That's How I Seize It!