Death panels are REAL, along with everything else.
- August 25, 2009
- 290k Views
Starring: Brandon Johnson, June Raphael, Peggy Chilton, Donald Monroe, and Seth Morris.
Written by: Seth Morris
Directed by: Ryan Perez
Director of Photography: Antonio Scarlata
Visual Effects: Dustin Bowser
Makeup by: Kat Bardot
Produced by: Sean Boyle
August 25, 2009
doorbell. The door is answered by Donald Monroe and Peggy Chilton.
Donald Monroe: Hello. Can I help you?
Brandon Johnson: Hi. Mr. and Mrs. Hawthorne?
Donald Monroe: That’s correct.
Brandon Johnson: Oh great, I’m David Coburn and this is my associate Terry Hill…
June Raphael: Hi.
Brandon Johnson: We’re from the US Department of Longevity and Health Assessment.
The shot cuts to Brandon Johnson and June Raphael sitting in a living room with Donald Monroe and Peggy Chilton.
Peggy Chilton: I’m sorry dear. I still don’t understand exactly what you do. What is the Department of Health and Longevity?
Brandon Johnson: Actually, they’re more commonly known as death panels
and we’re here today to give you end of life counseling.
Peggy Chilton: Death panels are real?
June Raphael: Of course they’re real.
Brandon Johnson’s cell phone rings and he answers it.
Brandon Johnson: I’m sorry. I’ve got to take this, it’s Bigfoot.
Peggy Chilton: Bigfoot is real?
Brandon Johnson leaves the room growling into the phone.
June Raphael: Everything’s real.
Donald Monroe: I told you, we should be afraid of everything.
June Raphael: Now, let’s talk some end of life options, shall we. Now,
the popular one right now is called the surprise sniper or the pink
mist and people just love it.
Brandon Johnson comes back into the room and growls a few more times
into the cell phone before hanging up. He shakes his head and puts the
phone back into his pocket.
Donald Monroe: We voted for Obama. Why are they treating us this way?
Brandon Johnson: Look, sir, in order for the President’s health care plan to work.
June Raphael: Um, David, actually there’s a little bit of a problem.
Brandon Johnson: What?
June Raphael: Mr. and Mrs. Hawthorne are actually scheduled for a
removal, not a consultation. That is definitely my bad. Look, my
unicorn gave birth last night. It was emotional. It was exhausting.
Brandon Johnson: Uh, listen folks, we’re going to have to terminate you.
Donald Monroe: Please, please wait.
Brandon Johnson: We’ve got to get out of here because we’ve got to fix
these birth certificates for these cyborgs that we’re going to run in
Brandon Johnson begins to make a noise like something powering up. A
piece of his mustache begins to glow and then zaps Peggy Chilton and
Donald Monroe. Peggy Chilton and Donald Monroe are reduced to two piles
of ash. There is a puff of smoke and the Grim Reaper, played by Seth
Seth Morris: Hey, sorry I’m late, what’s up Dave. Man, me and Cupid
went to a leprechaun bar last night and got mucho drunko. Oh, hi Terry.
June Raphael looks away in irritation.
June Raphael: Nathan.
Seth Morris: Well, I guess I better get to work here.
Seth Morris begins snorting the ashes of Peggy Chilton and Donald Monroe like it is cocaine.
Seth Morris: Oh, woo, oh boy. Hey, I have a friend that works at a
Starbucks near here. If you guys want to come you can probably still
get some mochas.
Brandon Johnson: I’m up for it.
June Raphael: Oh, I have plans.
Seth Morris: Is there a cold hearted bitch convention in town? Is that what you need to go to?
June Raphael: Is that a real question?
Seth Morris: That’s probably what you do because you’re so into that.
June Raphael: Now you’re embarrassing yourself in front of David. I am not having this conversation.
Seth Morris: I am. I am. I want to know what’s going on with you.
Brandon Johnson: You guys! We have one job here, alright. That’s to
kill old people and serve a liberal Fourth Reich. Now can we focus?
June Raphael: Yes, David, I’m sorry. It’s not going to happen again.
Seth Morris: You giving the keynote address at this convention?
June Raphael: You can go to hell!
Seth Morris: I am in hell Terry!
June Raphael: I’m embarrassed for you right now.
Seth Morris: You are crushing me!
June Raphael: Wow!
Seth Morris: Take me back. I am a wreck without you.
June Raphael: You make me sick.