Raaaaaaaandy - Part 1 (Funny People)

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Funny People Blu-ray & DVD

Actor

Aziz Ansari

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Aziz Ansari: If y’all are ready to laugh your dicks off, let me hear you say yeah.

Audience: Yeah.

Aziz Ansari: I said, if y’all are ready to laugh your dicks off, let me hear you say yeah.

Audience: Yeah!

Aziz Ansari: Alright, then it’s Randy time. Let’s do this shit.

Female Fans: Randy!

Female Fan: Randy’s my favorite comedian. I love him.

Male Fan: I see every fucking one of his shows.

Female Fan: He’s like the hottest thing out right now. Absolutely.

Aziz Ansari: You know what must be crazy. Ba-bam. Ba-bam. Ba-bam. Getting your dick sucked in an igloo. How you suppose to get it hard when it’s so cold!

Male Fans: Unbelievable. So good.

Female fans: Randy is awesome.

Aziz Ansari: This guy knows what I’m talking about. This guy definitely knows what I’m talking about.

Female Fans: Randy!

Male Fan: Fuck yeah, Randy! Go, Randy!

Aziz Ansari: You go in there and there’s somebody fucking your ice cream. I want to see some tatties. My name’s Randy I want to thank you so much. Hit me up on Myspace.com slash randy with eight a’s. I’m out.

Aziz Ansari: I’ve been doing standup about two months. I’m just hitting the ground running.

Aziz Ansari: I was hooking up with this girl recently, in a fucking hot tub, and we’re sitting there doing our thing and it’s great. And then at one point, she like, Randy. Randy. Randy. Will you go down on me? And I was like, yes, I can definitely do that. But here’s the thing, y’all. We were in a hot tub, so I had to do that shit underwater! So, I hold my breath and I go down there. I’m just swimming around. Looking for the pussy. Looking for the pussy. Looking for the pussy. Looking for the pussy. Ba-bam, I find it. I start doing my thing and it’s going great, but eventually I’m like, damn, I can’t hold my breath that much longer. But, I come up and things are fine. But, I kind of wish I had drowned, because that would have been the most baller death of all time. This guy knows what I’m talking about. This guy definitely knows what I’m talking about. It’d be like, hey, Randy’s parents, there’s been a terrible cunnilingus accident. Yeah, Randy was eating pussy underwater. I know it’s awesome, but he’s dead. I’d have this awesome headstone. It’d be like, here lies Randy. He died while eating pussy. My handprint would be right there. You can walk by and the handprint will pop out, so you can give me a high five. Ba-bam. Ba-bam. Ba-bam. Ba-bam.

Aziz Ansari: You go to a comedy club and you’re like, which is your favorite comedian. I don’t know. That guy, the one, oh, the guy with the DJ. I remember him. He’s the only one that had a fucking DJ.

Brandon Johnson: Man, it’s strange how I met Randy, man. I was a dental hygienist. Working on them teeth. Then he come in, man. Talking about my teeth hurt, man. My teeth hurt. Time to get my teeth cleaned. I told him, you don’t need no root canal. You need a new DJ, homey. Me and Randy live by three rules, man. One: they not ready. Two: motherfuckers need to know. Three: Get your shit.

Aziz Ansari: Right now, DJ Ol’ Youngin is going to give you a rundown on all the latest Randy noises.

Brandon Johnson: Yeah, in case you all didn’t hear it the first time, we got the echo-Randy. That’s loud and in your face. Let’s say you find yourself out in outer space. Trying to hitch a ride on the space shuttle. Comfort yourself with this sound. Where’s Randy? I don’t know. Let’s just say you’re a simple fan, out at the merchandizing desk you want to buy a t-shirt from.

Aziz Ansari: Do you want to buy some merch?

Male Fan: Yeah, can I take one of those photos?

Aziz Ansari: Yes, of course, where were you sitting?

Male Fan: It was like the fourth row in.

Aziz Ansari: I’m an innovator. A couple of months ago, I was riding The Mummy at Universal Studios. After I was done, I bought a photo of me on the ride, during the ride. And, I was like, why can’t I offer that to my fans, who come to my shows.

Aziz Ansari: There you go, buddy.

Male Fan: Thank you so much man.

Aziz Ansari: Thank you for coming to the show.

Male Fan: how much is it?

Aziz Ansari: Eighteen bucks.

Male Fan: Okay, cool.

Aziz Ansari: Whenever I watch porn, I digitally put my head on the body of the dude in the video. Check this out. Why would I want to watch some other guy have sex with this girl, when I can watch myself have sex with this girl? Oh shit, it’s Randy. Dr. Randy will see you now, miss. Yeah, watch me take it from behind. Oh, what up? Oh shit, two Randys in the mix. Let’s go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Watch this. Watch this, Watch this. Watch this. You ready for this. Bam! What up, Evan Stone? I always keep him in. I think he’s just kind of a cool looking dude. He looks like Hercules.

Aziz Ansari: That one has nothing to do with my comedy. It’s just a cool idea I had.