Female Announcer: Pepperbee's. Friendly service and delicious food since nineteen eighty-two.
John C Reilly: Hello. I'm Doug Thomas, owner of Pepperbee's Restaurants. For twenty-five years we've provided fine food, great drinks, and our signature appe-teasers. Courteous Pepperbee's workers greet you with a smile and a warm, friendly attitude no matter what the request.
John C Reilly: So, why is our customer service so great? I'll tell you why, it's simple. Because I get off on it. That's right. The only way that I can achieve an erection is by watching a customer get top-notch friendly service.
John C Reilly: Every Pepperbee's is equipped with a secret sound-proof room with a two-way mirror, where I can watch you getting service. Then, I can sit here and cum like a Mentos dropped into a bottle of Diet Pepsi. Every time.
Male Customer: I'd like the, uh, combo meal.
John C Reilly: Ooh. Yeah.
Male Customer: With everything on it except the onions. No onions, please.
Female Waitress: All right. Sounds great!
John C Reilly: Ahh! Ohh!
Male Customer: Could I have, uh, extra ketchup?
Female Waitress: Of course.
Male Customer: Sorry, I like a lot of ketchup.
Female Waitress: Whatever you want.
John C Reilly: Oh! Ahh! You want napkins?
Male Customer: And instead of french fries, could I have, um, onion rings?
John C Reilly: No problem.
Female Waitress: Sure. Um, did you want anything to drink? Or...
Male Customer: Um...
John C Reilly: Okay. All right. Uh-huh.
Male Customer: Coke.
John C Reilly: Ahh.
Female Waitress: I can arrange that, sir.
Male Customer: Awesome.
John C Reilly: Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!
John C Reilly: A pleasant smile, delicious food, and me getting off. That's the guarantee at Pepperbee's. Listen, if you're in Pepperbee's and you see a door marked private, trust me, you do not want to open it. And out of a sense of decency, I won't even begin to describe to you what you'll find in that room.
John C Reilly: Oh, the hell with it. You'll find me, with an ice cream scooper jammed up my a*s and jumper cables attached to my nipples.
Female Announcer: Pepperbee's. Good eats, fine service, and a man alone in a room doing unspeakable things to himself.