The Department Of Heartbreak
An epic story of love, heartbreak, and the world's worst boyfriend.
- July 09, 2018
- 73k Views
Narrator: Darren Miller
Writer/Editor: Darren Miller
Assistant Editor: Paul Smith
Post Supervisor: Kia Reghabi
July 09, 2018
- [Narrator] This was it,
the breaking point,
the straw that broke the camel's back.
The end of what was once a beautiful relationship,
Mario and Laura.
But to understand how we got to this point,
we're gonna have to start at the very beginning.
This is how they met.
The first time Mario ever saw Laura,
he was pretty floored.
It was love at first sight.
They moved fast.
He loved everything about her.
She was real goofball,
she had perfect teeth,
she loved reading on the beach,
and she loved juice.
But she didn't like milk,
because it gave her a bellyache.
And she was also addicted to screens,
like the rest of us, I suppose.
And she loved him, too.
She loved his...
I don't know, um...
Confidence, I guess?
She didn't seem to notice, but he was kind of a creep.
He kept sending her pictures of his feet,
like, a lot of them.
Foot pic, after foot pic, after foot pic.
It didn't matter if it was day or night,
if she was wearing headphones or no headphones,
if she measured against a credit card or not,
if it was on her phone or her laptop or tablet,
or all three.
She just kept getting more foot pics.
But when she thought about it, she realized,
she was actually pretty into it.
Mario did not have a way with words.
But his persistent expression of love
through constant foot photography
was actually really sweet.
Until one day,
she was looking at a picture of Mario's feet,
and she thought, how long can this go on for?
What kind of relationship is this?
Is he just gonna send me foot pics
for the rest of our lives?
What happens when we're old and wrinkly?
Am I bored?
She decided she needed something new.
He needed to take things to the next level.
The next day, confident as ever, he proposed.
This was not what she meant,
she tried to tell him.
She wasn't ready for that, but he just kept proposing,
again and again.
And just when he thought he might give up,
he remembered the way he'd first gotten through to her,
And he started getting through to her again.
She was clearly warming up to the idea.
But the first time she finally said yes,
Mario blew it.
He couldn't help himself.
He was the same creep he always was.
And Laura was not happy.
He tried to win her back.
He begged her,
but the damage was done.
They broke up.
Until one day at work,
Laura came across an old photo of Mario's feet.
And she remembered what it used to be like
when they were together.
She always had him by her side,
even in the hard times.
Like when there was that leak in the upstairs apartment.
Now when it leaks in the upstairs apartment,
She missed him.
She thought back to the first time she ever saw him,
and it dawned on her.
She wasn't so innocent, herself.
So she took him back.
They got married,
went on their honeymoon,
moved into together,
Enough to forget a couple things.
And that meant one thing.
Was Mario ready for that?
Is that what he really wanted?
No, it wasn't.
So they sold the baby and went on vacation again.
But that was just a Band-Aid.
Something still didn't smell right.
And that's when it happened
And this time, she realized,
this was happening all along.
And it wasn't just looking.
She suddenly remembered
the night they conceived and saw...
What was she doing there?
They were best friends!
She introduced her to Mario.
She showed him his feet!
He must have seen her and
looked at her
with her stupid glasses and her quirky selfies.
She doesn't even like juice,
she drinks water!
And now, she was drinking Mario.
Laura was devastated.
She'd given up everything for Mario.
What about their baby?
It was over,
there was no going back now.
He did the best he could to explain,
to defend himself, somehow.
But as I've said, Mario did not have a way with words.
He had a hard time coming up with anything to say.
He mostly gesticulated
and hoped for the best.
Unfortunately for him, he would only get the worst.
He'd gotten too distracted.
And now, Mario and Laura were through
And that is the Complete Story of the Distracted Boyfriend.
Thank you so much for joining us.
We hope to bring you another Complete Story very soon.
(whooshing and creaking)