How I Seize It #71: "Ghosts"

Uploader

How I Seize It

Old embed code (only works with browsers that support Adobe Flash)

Hey!
For this year's How I Seize It Halloween episode,
Loretta Jenkins gonna impart some wisdoms on y'all
and liven up your no doubt shit-borin' parties.
Unless I'm there...
(snorts, laughs)
I'm gonna share with y'all my bitch momma's
top secret recipe for candy corn martinis!
So secret in fact, that she
TOOK IT TO HER GRAVE,
and we gonna have to contact he
from The Other Side...
I got me this here Exorcism for Dummies
to help me out cause let's face it...
I'm hot as fuck,
but I ain't the brightest box of crayons.
I figure since the veil of night
be lifted come Hallow-time,
they might be a spell in here
that'll make that bitch spill the beans.
Speakin' of Night of the Livin' Deads,
I had this faggot buddy
who went to a Halloween party
and he asked this gal
what she dressed up like and she said...
Loretta Jenkins.
You know you famous
when folks start dressin' up
like you as a costume.
That's a true test.
I guess it's okay for Halloween.
But if I find out this bitch a-been
doin' this on the regula
so she can poach off my fuckbuddies,
I will box-cutter her boca.
Caprice?
Boca mean face, y'all.
I figured I'd get in good with the Mexicans
in case they take ove
and I would advise you
to do the same.
I heard they brought that
Patrick Swayze ghost movie onto Broadway.
That seem like an apocalyptic trigge
if you ask me.
You know,
I think them Mayans was onto somethin'.
I reckon since Hollywood done gone through
the werewolf phase
and zombies is just about out of style
and vampire genre ain't been the same
since they took ol' Buffy off the air!
That's for you, Spike.
I reckon everything comin' out next
gonna be all about ghosts and paranormal activities.
I hope you idgits out there knows
them ghost movies is fake as my titties.
Any dumb fuck out there with a Shakycam
think he goddamn Stephen King!
I hope if I did premature
I get to come back as a ghost,
cause I seen on that Ghost Hunters channel
that they's still ghosts that can still fuck.
Ain't that wondermous?
I mean-
Y'all think I could come back as a succubus?
Oh! This dude on the Maury show
was a-talkin' about how he get raped
every night by a succubus.
I was like HUH?
How a girl ghost gonna rape a dude?
I mean puhlease...
What red-blooded American man do you know
that ain't in prison or on a submarine
gonna say no to pussy?
Whether that pussy in the spirit or in the flesh.
That man don't care!
Hell, he will fuck a raccoon if he got one.
Ooh! It's about time.
We needa get on with our seance.
Let's start by lightin' these witch candles.
I couldn't find no real witch to bless 'em
so I went over to Pru's house
and rolled 'em in her grass,
so they good to go!
Where the hell did my spell go?
Shit, I'm gonna just have to do it from memory.
Stop singin', Mona!
I am trying to concentrate!
Oh okay...
Bring out your dead, Bitches...
Talk to me, Spirits...
Speak, Spooks! Speak!
Goddamnit, Mona!
I think you scared Momma away.
You know she don't like Elvis!
Fuck, I knew I shoulda just gone ove
to that convention cente
and ask that Joyce Meyer myself.
I might oughta get me a ghost whisperer,
cause gettin' Momma to fess up her recipe
might take some professional help.
Momma, can you hear me?
Just gimme a goddamn sign, whore!
(beer can falls)
Alright, I'm just gonna assume that's you...
So before you get all jib-jabbery about
givin' me excuses about
how my childhood all fuck up,
I just want you to know
I am just here for a drink recipe.
You got that?
Well bitch, are you there?
(banging on wall)
Oh Goddamn!
You goddamn youngins, get outta here!
I'm gonna kill every goddamn last one of y'all.
I swear!
As soon as I come up with a way to
suck the life outta childrens
and eviscerate they souls,
so they can't come back as ghosts
and tell people what I did with they bodies...
Them fuckers days is numbered.
And that's How I Seize It!
Goddamn...
I think I messed myself.
Wait.
I wonder if my momma really dead,
or if I just wishful-thanked myself
into believin' it.
Shit...
I don't care...