How I Seize It #38: GLEE

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How I Seize It

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Hey!
Thank you for tunin' in to another
Loretta Jenkins' How I Seize It,
and unless you a complete dumbass,
than you know that means me...
Loretta Jenkins, is your host.
Y'all got that?
Cause if you don't,
I want you to go ahead right now
and just turn the shit off
cause you too stoop to understand my wisdoms!
Now most of y'all knows that
I don't bother much with TV,
but I do know that they got somethin' out there
for just about everything under the sun.
Hold up...
Hold up...
Fuck, I hate it when a burp gets stuck.
Damn, I'm gonna make myself puke
if I don't quit that shit.
I'm in a good mood today y'all
except I'm pissed.
I mean they got a show out there
for every illegal substance
and every boring occupation.
They got like three shows
for them creepy-ass midgets,
and they got like fifteen shows
for mother fuckin' cupcakes!
Who even eat a cupcake?
Who care about cupcake unless you a fatty?
I like that Ice Road Truckers show.
Do y'all watch that?
It's got some 'Tanks' on there.
Anyways...
Now I ask y'all,
why in the hell does Hollywood
gotta mar the legacy of such fag favorites as-
Like 'Fame,'
(singing)
"I'm gonna sing forever..."
...or 'High School Musical,'
with this new show, Glee?
That make a bad taste in my mouth just sayin' it.
I call it Kara-Ugly.
(laughs)
Shit, I think that was a little funnier in my head.
I mean hell, I sing better than that one gal.
La, la, la, la, laaa....
He, he, he, he, he, he, hee...
(coughs)
Me, me, mee...
Alright, let me point out one gigantic Glee inaccuracy.
I'm gonna tell y'all,
I spent like three summer camps in Ohio
when I was little,
and I'm gonna tell y'all,
I knows for a fact ain't one of them bitches
off of Glee come from Ohio.
Cause them Buckeye gals?
They husky and homely,
cause they play sports
and they got a lotta Amish blood in them.
I mean just go ahead and rename the show 'Gay.'
Y'all knows I like the queers,
but in moderated dosages y'all.
Shit...
I mean, this be a Queer Overdose.
Y'all gots to know all them kids on that Glee show,
they all done some homo-experimentations,
but they ain't done one damn show
on gettin' the crabs.
(dog collar jingles)
Buffy, you want me to go put you in the trailer?
That's what I thought.
(dog moans)
Aww, she a good dog.
Mmm, I hate gettin' the crabs.
Shit, that shampoo expensive.
And y'all knowed they stole that
mean-ass coach character after me,
except I ain't no lesbo,
and I show more skin, you know,
and I got more sexy peel,
cause I ain't no dude.
Now I do like how Glee
sends out some good messages, like-
Like if you're in high school and you get pregnant-
(burp)
-you ain't gotta go throw yourself
down some stairs.
You oughta go on and carry it onto full term
cause somebody's gonna take it off your hands.
Yeah...
(burps)
Nature takes care of us all.
Or if you a big old fat black gal...
-if you get him drunk enough,
you can get a popular guy
to like feel up on your jiggles-
...it's really your only way.
Now, I'm still kindly on the fence
about Glee bein' so inclusive
with all the fatties, cause y'all-
That just encourage childhood beastity.
And learnin' crippled people
to stay all lazy in they chair...
Y'all think that is a positive reforcement?
No...
Oh, and Glee...
We get it!
Gwenyth Paltrow can fuckin' sing!
We know!
Jesus Christ on a grilled cheese!
Skinny bitch...
(burp)
Y'all seen that movie, 'Country Strong?'
Well, just seem to be somethin' missin'
if you ask my opinionation,
and if you don't-
Just fuck-to-the-off!
Y'all haters say what you want to about Glee
but it's just gonna make a whole generation
just love the queers all that much more.
(laughs)
It can't be all that bad.
And that's How I Seize It.