The Honest Bachelor

This is what the bachelor would be like if he was just a bit more honest.

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Credits Details Embed Transcript

: Actor/Writer
David Spade

: Executive Producer
Funny Or Die

: Cinematographer
manasewitsch

Additional Credits [+]

Added over 1 year ago

Description: This is what the bachelor would be like if he was just a bit more honest.

Categories: Sketch Parody

Keywords: the bachelor girls honest honesty girl ladies women dating dates rose ceremony tv show television reality tv reality television competition love affection kissing mansion dumb jock pilot

Patience is overrated...

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WEBVTT 00:00:01.000 --> 00:00:05.000 [Music Playing] 00:00:05.000 --> 00:00:07.000 [Girls Screaming] 00:00:07.000 --> 00:00:08.000 <v Sara Weinshenk> I think he's adorable. 00:00:08.000 --> 00:00:10.000 <v Older Bachelorette> I wish I was, what? Thirty years younger? 00:00:10.000 --> 00:00:11.000 <v Michelle Taylor> He's the whole package. 00:00:11.000 --> 00:00:13.000 <v Sara Weinshenk> Every girl is just gonna like, pounce on him. 00:00:13.000 --> 00:00:15.000 [Girls screaming] 00:00:15.000 --> 00:00:18.000 <v David Spade> Hey! The bangs are here! 00:00:18.000 --> 00:00:19.000 [Laughing] 00:00:19.000 --> 00:00:23.000 <v David Spade> All right, I'll make this brief because I know a lot of those dresses are rented. 00:00:24.000 --> 00:00:27.000 <v David Spade> Wow! I see so much desperation in this room it's making my dick shrink up a little bit. 00:00:28.000 --> 00:00:36.000 <v David Spade> I'm actually surprised to be here, because of how hard I cried like a pu**y after the last bachelorette sh** on me during the final rose ceremony. Sort of embarrassing. 00:00:37.000 --> 00:00:43.000 <v David Spade> But, I guess I'm back because it's good TV to watch me take it out on all of you bi**hes. Which I am more than happy to do. 00:00:44.000 --> 00:00:46.000 <v David Spade> I'm still so pis**d off at that tw*t. 00:00:47.000 --> 00:00:50.000 <v David Spade> But, being paid a sh** load to come back makes it feel a little bit better. Am I right, ladies? 00:00:50.000 --> 00:00:52.000 [All Laughing] 00:00:52.000 --> 00:00:53.000 <v David Spade> Woo! Shut up! 00:00:54.000 --> 00:00:59.000 <v David Spade> That's right. I'm secretly a di*k, but no one is gonna find that out until after they get the ring. Mm. Frowny face. 00:01:00.000 --> 00:01:05.000 <v David Spade> Now, as history shows most of you will fall in love with me within minutes for some inexplicable reason. 00:01:06.000 --> 00:01:15.000 <v David Spade> Maybe because of bad parenting, low self-esteem, or a combination of the two. I'm just gonna judge you quickly off the top of my head. Just the first thing that comes to my mind, like, I'm in a club or a who*e house. 00:01:16.000 --> 00:01:20.000 <v David Spade> All right, I look out, I see a couple of fine a*s bit**es, and a couple of ratty ones from the Valley. 00:01:21.000 --> 00:01:26.000 <v David Spade> Looks like this one over here just rolled in from getting finger blasted at a Lil Wayne after party. 00:01:27.000 --> 00:01:34.000 <v David Spade> Please, don't cut to a black contestant by the way. Who am I kidding? There's no black contestants on The Bachelor, it's ABC! Woo! 00:01:34.000 --> 00:01:35.000 [Girls Cheering] 00:01:35.000 --> 00:01:42.000 <v David Spade> Uh, a few in the back look like you're hopped up on God knows what drugs. There has to be enough Adderol in this room to feed a family of ten for a year. 00:01:43.000 --> 00:01:44.000 <v David Spade> Doesn't make sense, but laugh anyway. 00:01:44.000 --> 00:01:45.000 [Girls Laugh] 00:01:45.000 --> 00:02:03.000 <v David Spade> Quickly scanning the others I see fat, stupid, a couple Devry girls, sorta cross-eyed over here, a little junk in the trunk, junk in the face, wonky boob job, boxer ears, ah, we got one old lady over there. 00:02:04.000 --> 00:02:09.000 <v David Spade> Honey, you might walk home with another pearl necklace if you get my drift. I'm gonna ji*z on you. 00:02:09.000 --> 00:02:10.000 [Girls Laugh] 00:02:10.000 --> 00:02:16.000 <v David Spade> And we got one that looks like she probably boned her dad. That's just off of the top of my head, I'm probably thirty percent off. 00:02:17.000 --> 00:02:22.000 <v David Spade> So, let's do this! I'm gonna walk through with a few of you. Go through the motions on a few fake dates and get my check. 00:02:23.000 --> 00:02:28.000 <v David Spade> FYI, this is gonna be a fu** fest. Everybody. It's gonna be a Toyota fu**athon. 00:02:29.000 --> 00:02:32.000 <v David Spade> All right? Keep the guys from Guinness Book on the air, there's gonna be some plowage. 00:02:33.000 --> 00:02:36.000 <v David Spade> No such thing as date rape on this show. Check your contract. 00:02:36.000 --> 00:02:37.000 [Girls Cheer] 00:02:37.000 --> 00:02:38.000 <v David Spade> This girl knows what I'm talkin' about. 00:02:39.000 --> 00:02:43.000 <v David Spade> My advice? Camp out on the other end of my co*k as quickly as possible. That'll keep you around a week. 00:02:44.000 --> 00:02:50.000 <v David Spade> When in doubt, drop your drawers. Okay? No prizes for being a prude, here. Certainly no rings. 00:02:51.000 --> 00:02:58.000 <v David Spade> All right. In closing, you're all idiots. Um, and I'll try to fu** you. And I'll probably marry the stupidest one. 00:02:59.000 --> 00:03:01.000 <v David Spade> Let's have some fun! All right! 00:03:01.000 --> 00:03:02.000 <v Female Contestants> Cheers! 00:03:03.000 --> 00:03:04.000 <v David Spade> I'm super horny! Woo! 00:03:05.000 --> 00:03:06.000 [Girls Cheer] 00:03:07.000 --> 00:03:16.000 <v Announcer> We're looking for great guys to bone our next bachelorette. For more information, go to Honest Bachelor dot ABC dot com.

HAHHHAHA RESPECT!! he just spoke my MIND!
Too FUNNY
Boxer ears
david spade-truth sayer
David Spade hasn't been this funny in years!
THIS IS FUNNY, EVENTHOUGH I VOTED DIE. THAT WAS BEFORE I WATCHED THE WHOLE VIDEO.
if only this were the actual show hahaha
Hahaha Spade was brilliant, I was lol'ing hard
This pretty much sums up "The Bachelor" for me. Favorite line: "Junk in the trunk, junk in the face...."
Me no likey
this is too hilarious.
great cats! david spade made me laugh!!!! that is the shock of the century!
If this was a real show...I'd be glued to it every week...love this clip!
I don't know what was more amusing: the writing, or Spade's wig making him look like that guy in "Birdemic" who was afraid of mountain lions.
never funny
Finally something funny! WOW I've been waiting for something like this from FoD for months.
Do you like to make more friends? Do you want to find your prince or princess? Just clike. ...in\TerraciaLcirCle,.,C0-m. Specifically for you .
Good stuff. David Spade should be the next Bachelor.
Its scary how David Spade and I have a similar thought process. Didn't forsee this after watching Joe Dirt in 2002.
Its refreshing to see golddiggers get judged the same way they judge men. Plenty of these women on dating sites talking about how they only like men who will take them on expensive vacations and for meals at and high end restaurants. The kind of women that say they only date "professionals". Marrying a woman like that is prostitution, only you hand the pimp your money till you are dead or divorced.
Wow, how did they manage to get the legal clearance to use the video from the show? This is brutal. It would be funnier if he was saying something and the little voice in his head was speaking these "truths" but then it would not be the "honest bachelor"? I'm wondering how man people will actually go to the web address? The guys at ABC looking at the web reports will be pulling a big WTF? out of it.
ahhhaa! Thats Awesome!
lol
I find this extremely offensive to these strong, intelligent women who are simply looking for a good man whom they can truly love. (Saying that makes me sound sensitive, right? So some of those chicks will go for me?)
If this was real; I would actually watch the Bachelor