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This is what the bachelor would be like if he was just a bit more honest.
Published March 09, 2012 720k views Immortal More Info »
Additional Credits
Additional Credits:
Starring - David Spade
Written by - David Spade
Director/Editor - Danny Jelinek
Producer - Michelle Fox
DP - Mike Manasewitsch
Gaffer - Zach Zdziebko
Grip - Liz Yarwood
Production Design - Martin Vallejo, Ellie del Campo
Hair/Makeup - Jessica Leigh Schwartz
Sound - BoTown Sound
Bachelorettes - Sara Weinshenk, Michelle Taylor
PA - Joey Mireles
Special Thanks - Heather Santoro

[Music Playing]

[Girls Screaming]

Sara Weinshenk: I think he's adorable.

Older Bachelorette: I wish I was, what? Thirty years younger?

Michelle Taylor: He's the whole package.

Sara Weinshenk: Every girl is just gonna like, pounce on him.

[Girls screaming]

David Spade: Hey! The bangs are here!

[Laughing]

David Spade: All right, I'll make this brief because I know a lot of those dresses are rented.

David Spade: Wow! I see so much desperation in this room it's making my dick shrink up a little bit.

David Spade: I'm actually surprised to be here, because of how hard I cried like a pu**y after the last bachelorette sh** on me during the final rose ceremony. Sort of embarrassing.

David Spade: But, I guess I'm back because it's good TV to watch me take it out on all of you bi**hes. Which I am more than happy to do.

David Spade: I'm still so pis**d off at that tw*t.

David Spade: But, being paid a sh** load to come back makes it feel a little bit better. Am I right, ladies?

[All Laughing]

David Spade: Woo! Shut up!

David Spade: That's right. I'm secretly a di*k, but no one is gonna find that out until after they get the ring. Mm. Frowny face.

David Spade: Now, as history shows most of you will fall in love with me within minutes for some inexplicable reason.

David Spade: Maybe because of bad parenting, low self-esteem, or a combination of the two. I'm just gonna judge you quickly off the top of my head. Just the first thing that comes to my mind, like, I'm in a club or a who*e house.

David Spade: All right, I look out, I see a couple of fine a*s bit**es, and a couple of ratty ones from the Valley.

David Spade: Looks like this one over here just rolled in from getting finger blasted at a Lil Wayne after party.

David Spade: Please, don't cut to a black contestant by the way. Who am I kidding? There's no black contestants on The Bachelor, it's ABC! Woo!

[Girls Cheering]

David Spade: Uh, a few in the back look like you're hopped up on God knows what drugs. There has to be enough Adderol in this room to feed a family of ten for a year.

David Spade: Doesn't make sense, but laugh anyway.

[Girls Laugh]

David Spade: Quickly scanning the others I see fat, stupid, a couple Devry girls, sorta cross-eyed over here, a little junk in the trunk, junk in the face, wonky boob job, boxer ears, ah, we got one old lady over there.

David Spade: Honey, you might walk home with another pearl necklace if you get my drift. I'm gonna ji*z on you.

[Girls Laugh]

David Spade: And we got one that looks like she probably boned her dad. That's just off of the top of my head, I'm probably thirty percent off.

David Spade: So, let's do this! I'm gonna walk through with a few of you. Go through the motions on a few fake dates and get my check.

David Spade: FYI, this is gonna be a fu** fest. Everybody. It's gonna be a Toyota fu**athon.

David Spade: All right? Keep the guys from Guinness Book on the air, there's gonna be some plowage.

David Spade: No such thing as date rape on this show. Check your contract.

[Girls Cheer]

David Spade: This girl knows what I'm talkin' about.

David Spade: My advice? Camp out on the other end of my co*k as quickly as possible. That'll keep you around a week.

David Spade: When in doubt, drop your drawers. Okay? No prizes for being a prude, here. Certainly no rings.

David Spade: All right. In closing, you're all idiots. Um, and I'll try to fu** you. And I'll probably marry the stupidest one.

David Spade: Let's have some fun! All right!

Female Contestants: Cheers!

David Spade: I'm super horny! Woo!

[Girls Cheer]

Announcer: We're looking for great guys to bone our next bachelorette. For more information, go to Honest Bachelor dot ABC dot com.

AUTOPLAY
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