Starring - David Spade Written by - David Spade Director/Editor - Danny Jelinek Producer - Michelle Fox DP - Mike Manasewitsch Gaffer - Zach Zdziebko Grip - Liz Yarwood Production Design - Martin Vallejo, Ellie del Campo Hair/Makeup - Jessica Leigh Schwartz Sound - BoTown Sound Bachelorettes - Sara Weinshenk, Michelle Taylor PA - Joey Mireles Special Thanks - Heather Santoro
Older Bachelorette: I wish I was, what? Thirty years younger?
Michelle Taylor: He's the whole package.
Sara Weinshenk: Every girl is just gonna like, pounce on him.
David Spade: Hey! The bangs are here!
David Spade: All right, I'll make this brief because I know a lot of those dresses are rented.
David Spade: Wow! I see so much desperation in this room it's making my dick shrink up a little bit.
David Spade: I'm actually surprised to be here, because of how hard I cried like a pu**y after the last bachelorette sh** on me during the final rose ceremony. Sort of embarrassing.
David Spade: But, I guess I'm back because it's good TV to watch me take it out on all of you bi**hes. Which I am more than happy to do.
David Spade: I'm still so pis**d off at that tw*t.
David Spade: But, being paid a sh** load to come back makes it feel a little bit better. Am I right, ladies?
David Spade: Woo! Shut up!
David Spade: That's right. I'm secretly a di*k, but no one is gonna find that out until after they get the ring. Mm. Frowny face.
David Spade: Now, as history shows most of you will fall in love with me within minutes for some inexplicable reason.
David Spade: Maybe because of bad parenting, low self-esteem, or a combination of the two. I'm just gonna judge you quickly off the top of my head. Just the first thing that comes to my mind, like, I'm in a club or a who*e house.
David Spade: All right, I look out, I see a couple of fine a*s bit**es, and a couple of ratty ones from the Valley.
David Spade: Looks like this one over here just rolled in from getting finger blasted at a Lil Wayne after party.
David Spade: Please, don't cut to a black contestant by the way. Who am I kidding? There's no black contestants on The Bachelor, it's ABC! Woo!
David Spade: Uh, a few in the back look like you're hopped up on God knows what drugs. There has to be enough Adderol in this room to feed a family of ten for a year.
David Spade: Doesn't make sense, but laugh anyway.
David Spade: Quickly scanning the others I see fat, stupid, a couple Devry girls, sorta cross-eyed over here, a little junk in the trunk, junk in the face, wonky boob job, boxer ears, ah, we got one old lady over there.
David Spade: Honey, you might walk home with another pearl necklace if you get my drift. I'm gonna ji*z on you.
David Spade: And we got one that looks like she probably boned her dad. That's just off of the top of my head, I'm probably thirty percent off.
David Spade: So, let's do this! I'm gonna walk through with a few of you. Go through the motions on a few fake dates and get my check.
David Spade: FYI, this is gonna be a fu** fest. Everybody. It's gonna be a Toyota fu**athon.
David Spade: All right? Keep the guys from Guinness Book on the air, there's gonna be some plowage.
David Spade: No such thing as date rape on this show. Check your contract.
David Spade: This girl knows what I'm talkin' about.
David Spade: My advice? Camp out on the other end of my co*k as quickly as possible. That'll keep you around a week.
David Spade: When in doubt, drop your drawers. Okay? No prizes for being a prude, here. Certainly no rings.
David Spade: All right. In closing, you're all idiots. Um, and I'll try to fu** you. And I'll probably marry the stupidest one.
David Spade: Let's have some fun! All right!
Female Contestants: Cheers!
David Spade: I'm super horny! Woo!
Announcer: We're looking for great guys to bone our next bachelorette. For more information, go to Honest Bachelor dot ABC dot com.