The Honest Bachelor

Actor/Writer

David Spade

Executive Producer

Funny Or Die

Cinematographer

manasewitsch

Production Design

Ellie del Campo

Production Design

Martin C Vallejo

Director

Danny Jelinek

Additional Credits [+]

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WEBVTT 00:00:01.000 --> 00:00:05.000 [Music Playing] 00:00:05.000 --> 00:00:07.000 [Girls Screaming] 00:00:07.000 --> 00:00:08.000 <v Sara Weinshenk> I think he's adorable. 00:00:08.000 --> 00:00:10.000 <v Older Bachelorette> I wish I was, what? Thirty years younger? 00:00:10.000 --> 00:00:11.000 <v Michelle Taylor> He's the whole package. 00:00:11.000 --> 00:00:13.000 <v Sara Weinshenk> Every girl is just gonna like, pounce on him. 00:00:13.000 --> 00:00:15.000 [Girls screaming] 00:00:15.000 --> 00:00:18.000 <v David Spade> Hey! The bangs are here! 00:00:18.000 --> 00:00:19.000 [Laughing] 00:00:19.000 --> 00:00:23.000 <v David Spade> All right, I'll make this brief because I know a lot of those dresses are rented. 00:00:24.000 --> 00:00:27.000 <v David Spade> Wow! I see so much desperation in this room it's making my dick shrink up a little bit. 00:00:28.000 --> 00:00:36.000 <v David Spade> I'm actually surprised to be here, because of how hard I cried like a pu**y after the last bachelorette sh** on me during the final rose ceremony. Sort of embarrassing. 00:00:37.000 --> 00:00:43.000 <v David Spade> But, I guess I'm back because it's good TV to watch me take it out on all of you bi**hes. Which I am more than happy to do. 00:00:44.000 --> 00:00:46.000 <v David Spade> I'm still so pis**d off at that tw*t. 00:00:47.000 --> 00:00:50.000 <v David Spade> But, being paid a sh** load to come back makes it feel a little bit better. Am I right, ladies? 00:00:50.000 --> 00:00:52.000 [All Laughing] 00:00:52.000 --> 00:00:53.000 <v David Spade> Woo! Shut up! 00:00:54.000 --> 00:00:59.000 <v David Spade> That's right. I'm secretly a di*k, but no one is gonna find that out until after they get the ring. Mm. Frowny face. 00:01:00.000 --> 00:01:05.000 <v David Spade> Now, as history shows most of you will fall in love with me within minutes for some inexplicable reason. 00:01:06.000 --> 00:01:15.000 <v David Spade> Maybe because of bad parenting, low self-esteem, or a combination of the two. I'm just gonna judge you quickly off the top of my head. Just the first thing that comes to my mind, like, I'm in a club or a who*e house. 00:01:16.000 --> 00:01:20.000 <v David Spade> All right, I look out, I see a couple of fine a*s bit**es, and a couple of ratty ones from the Valley. 00:01:21.000 --> 00:01:26.000 <v David Spade> Looks like this one over here just rolled in from getting finger blasted at a Lil Wayne after party. 00:01:27.000 --> 00:01:34.000 <v David Spade> Please, don't cut to a black contestant by the way. Who am I kidding? There's no black contestants on The Bachelor, it's ABC! Woo! 00:01:34.000 --> 00:01:35.000 [Girls Cheering] 00:01:35.000 --> 00:01:42.000 <v David Spade> Uh, a few in the back look like you're hopped up on God knows what drugs. There has to be enough Adderol in this room to feed a family of ten for a year. 00:01:43.000 --> 00:01:44.000 <v David Spade> Doesn't make sense, but laugh anyway. 00:01:44.000 --> 00:01:45.000 [Girls Laugh] 00:01:45.000 --> 00:02:03.000 <v David Spade> Quickly scanning the others I see fat, stupid, a couple Devry girls, sorta cross-eyed over here, a little junk in the trunk, junk in the face, wonky boob job, boxer ears, ah, we got one old lady over there. 00:02:04.000 --> 00:02:09.000 <v David Spade> Honey, you might walk home with another pearl necklace if you get my drift. I'm gonna ji*z on you. 00:02:09.000 --> 00:02:10.000 [Girls Laugh] 00:02:10.000 --> 00:02:16.000 <v David Spade> And we got one that looks like she probably boned her dad. That's just off of the top of my head, I'm probably thirty percent off. 00:02:17.000 --> 00:02:22.000 <v David Spade> So, let's do this! I'm gonna walk through with a few of you. Go through the motions on a few fake dates and get my check. 00:02:23.000 --> 00:02:28.000 <v David Spade> FYI, this is gonna be a fu** fest. Everybody. It's gonna be a Toyota fu**athon. 00:02:29.000 --> 00:02:32.000 <v David Spade> All right? Keep the guys from Guinness Book on the air, there's gonna be some plowage. 00:02:33.000 --> 00:02:36.000 <v David Spade> No such thing as date rape on this show. Check your contract. 00:02:36.000 --> 00:02:37.000 [Girls Cheer] 00:02:37.000 --> 00:02:38.000 <v David Spade> This girl knows what I'm talkin' about. 00:02:39.000 --> 00:02:43.000 <v David Spade> My advice? Camp out on the other end of my co*k as quickly as possible. That'll keep you around a week. 00:02:44.000 --> 00:02:50.000 <v David Spade> When in doubt, drop your drawers. Okay? No prizes for being a prude, here. Certainly no rings. 00:02:51.000 --> 00:02:58.000 <v David Spade> All right. In closing, you're all idiots. Um, and I'll try to fu** you. And I'll probably marry the stupidest one. 00:02:59.000 --> 00:03:01.000 <v David Spade> Let's have some fun! All right! 00:03:01.000 --> 00:03:02.000 <v Female Contestants> Cheers! 00:03:03.000 --> 00:03:04.000 <v David Spade> I'm super horny! Woo! 00:03:05.000 --> 00:03:06.000 [Girls Cheer] 00:03:07.000 --> 00:03:16.000 <v Announcer> We're looking for great guys to bone our next bachelorette. For more information, go to Honest Bachelor dot ABC dot com.