Description:
This is what the bachelor would be like if he was just a bit more honest.
Patience is overrated...
Patience is overrated...
WEBVTT
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[Music Playing]
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[Girls Screaming]
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<v Sara Weinshenk> I think he's adorable.
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<v Older Bachelorette> I wish I was, what? Thirty years younger?
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<v Michelle Taylor> He's the whole package.
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<v Sara Weinshenk> Every girl is just gonna like, pounce on him.
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[Girls screaming]
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<v David Spade> Hey! The bangs are here!
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[Laughing]
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<v David Spade> All right, I'll make this brief because I know a lot of those dresses are rented.
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<v David Spade> Wow! I see so much desperation in this room it's making my dick shrink up a little bit.
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<v David Spade> I'm actually surprised to be here, because of how hard I cried like a pu**y after the last bachelorette sh** on me during the final rose ceremony. Sort of embarrassing.
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<v David Spade> But, I guess I'm back because it's good TV to watch me take it out on all of you bi**hes. Which I am more than happy to do.
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<v David Spade> I'm still so pis**d off at that tw*t.
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<v David Spade> But, being paid a sh** load to come back makes it feel a little bit better. Am I right, ladies?
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[All Laughing]
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<v David Spade> Woo! Shut up!
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<v David Spade> That's right. I'm secretly a di*k, but no one is gonna find that out until after they get the ring. Mm. Frowny face.
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<v David Spade> Now, as history shows most of you will fall in love with me within minutes for some inexplicable reason.
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<v David Spade> Maybe because of bad parenting, low self-esteem, or a combination of the two. I'm just gonna judge you quickly off the top of my head. Just the first thing that comes to my mind, like, I'm in a club or a who*e house.
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<v David Spade> All right, I look out, I see a couple of fine a*s bit**es, and a couple of ratty ones from the Valley.
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<v David Spade> Looks like this one over here just rolled in from getting finger blasted at a Lil Wayne after party.
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<v David Spade> Please, don't cut to a black contestant by the way. Who am I kidding? There's no black contestants on The Bachelor, it's ABC! Woo!
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[Girls Cheering]
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<v David Spade> Uh, a few in the back look like you're hopped up on God knows what drugs. There has to be enough Adderol in this room to feed a family of ten for a year.
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<v David Spade> Doesn't make sense, but laugh anyway.
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[Girls Laugh]
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<v David Spade> Quickly scanning the others I see fat, stupid, a couple Devry girls, sorta cross-eyed over here, a little junk in the trunk, junk in the face, wonky boob job, boxer ears, ah, we got one old lady over there.
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<v David Spade> Honey, you might walk home with another pearl necklace if you get my drift. I'm gonna ji*z on you.
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[Girls Laugh]
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<v David Spade> And we got one that looks like she probably boned her dad. That's just off of the top of my head, I'm probably thirty percent off.
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<v David Spade> So, let's do this! I'm gonna walk through with a few of you. Go through the motions on a few fake dates and get my check.
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<v David Spade> FYI, this is gonna be a fu** fest. Everybody. It's gonna be a Toyota fu**athon.
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<v David Spade> All right? Keep the guys from Guinness Book on the air, there's gonna be some plowage.
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<v David Spade> No such thing as date rape on this show. Check your contract.
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[Girls Cheer]
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<v David Spade> This girl knows what I'm talkin' about.
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<v David Spade> My advice? Camp out on the other end of my co*k as quickly as possible. That'll keep you around a week.
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<v David Spade> When in doubt, drop your drawers. Okay? No prizes for being a prude, here. Certainly no rings.
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<v David Spade> All right. In closing, you're all idiots. Um, and I'll try to fu** you. And I'll probably marry the stupidest one.
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<v David Spade> Let's have some fun! All right!
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<v Female Contestants> Cheers!
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<v David Spade> I'm super horny! Woo!
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[Girls Cheer]
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<v Announcer> We're looking for great guys to bone our next bachelorette. For more information, go to Honest Bachelor dot ABC dot com.
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