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Oh look, I been bichin fur three solit goddamn yeers! Fuck times flies when yew drunk... more »
Published July 05, 2013 94 views More Info »
(intro music)
Hey!
Well, they said I wouldn't last,
but guess what haters?
I'm still here!
Now I've had more near death experiences
than I would care to recommend,
but miraculously this heart's still beatin'
and I managed to keep myself out of jail.
(coughs)
Hey, that needs to be some kind of damn record.
Maybe I'm allowed to get away with shit
now that I'm virally famous!
Yeah!
YAYUS!
All y'all trolltards out there that said to me,
"Quit your bitchin' you dumb American whore!"
"Nobody care about your opinionations!"
Well dudes and douches,
I got a goddamn legitimate congregation.
I got a following bigger than Jesus
before he started out.
And he didn't even have no internets.
I'm the second fucking comin'!
Whoo!
All praises aside,
I'm Loretta Jenkins,
and we here tonight to celebrate a milestone!
(noisemakers)
It's the hundredth episode of How I Seize It, motherfuckers!
A hundred!
I'd say my second most popularest comment,
besides anything that's said
about these two sweet tits here is
How long do I think I can keep this up?
Well, I will bitch until there ain't
nothin' left to bitch about, Caprice?
How about that?
I think I just discovered the secret to the Immortality.
(dog's collar shaking)
Shut the-
Have you got fleas again?
Damnit.
You been out in that other nasty ass
trailer park down the road?
Come here.
Come here!
Come here.
Let me check your ears.
You're a good girl.
Gimme sugar.
Gimme the goddamn sugar!
Alright get down. I'm done with you.
Go on!
Anyways, just in case you missed anything
important along the way,
here's my submission to
Guinness Beer and World Records.
For your consideration,
the earth's longest ever continuous bitchin'.
And go!
(intro music)
Where in the Hell do y'all think
Americans come from?
There wasn't nothin' here
when the big white boat come ove
except Injuns and dirt!
Have you ever heard of he
not doin' nothin?
Man, I'd have hit her.
I'd have hit her for no reason.
Tell them that them painkillers
is givin' you the shits
and they'll switch you over to Oxy.
That's when you know you made it!
I knowed a man one time,
he said "I ain't gay, but I will suck a dick."
How is married gays gonna have youngins?
Man ain't got no uterus, you know?
It ain't like you can shit out a baby!
Why do I wanna waste six months of my life
readin' a book when I done got a visual
in my head of this two hour crapfest?
One beer! One!
You took one beer. That's it!
You a pussy!
I ain't lettin' no Chinaman get up on this.
Cause I ain't gonna catch that MSG.
And that's how they pick the winners!
Robot calls! Robot votin'!!!
That's how they do it.
That ain't right.
They always bitchin' about people
thinkin' they eatin' cats-
Well it would help if you didn't
make your cup-a-joe outta cat shit!
I swear to God,
I don't know what the world comes to
when folks picks on you
just cause you tryin' to look purty!
Y'all ever notice how them
Mormon women is all fugly?
They can't get a whole man by theyself,
so they gotta share one
with 20 other fugly bitches!
Anyways, don't never drink no PGA
and try and cut gum out of your hair.
If they was every supposed to be
a poster child for abortion,
just slap this bitch's scrunched-up
mug on the cover.
I think them candied Xanax is kickin' in.
You know what?
I could fuck a smurf!
I blowed that ungrateful motherfucke
and then I busted him right in the mouth.
It knock his front teeth out.
He look like a reverse beaver.
She come at me and I put her
and her kid in the ICU and y'all-
Check out this here battle wound.
He jecked me with his goddamn Henny Penny wand!
And if you hate on me again,
I'm gonna come back here with a gang full of queers
and we are gonna fuck your head up sideways
with sticks and stones, Caprice?!?
That's alright, Jack.
You ain't never done me wrong.
Oh God Jesus!
Somebody please drill me now!
Oh God, please forgive me of my sinful thoughts!
(laughs)
In case y'all ain't noticed I like to drink,
but that's all I do.
Just realize that most folks is just stoop
and just go on ahead and drink yourself
into an early grave.
You have-
(cries)
Shut up!
You have ruined my Vallytimes Day outfit.
I used to like...unicorns.
Do y'all hear that?
It's either rainin' on my toolshed
or a bunch of goddamn leprechauns is up there
pissin' on my roof-
Get the hell off my roof,
you goddamn leprechauns!
This fucker don't need no rehab.
What he needs is old daddy Martin to come out
with a belt and whoop-ass
some sense into him,
that's what I think!
LORETTA: What the fuck is that, Snooki?
CHRYSTAL: The babies are up. I gotta go!
LORETTA: You stay in character, heifer!
The deal was for ten minutes!
You ignorant sumbitches out there that's got
toddlers walkin' 'round booby-feedin'
they fake-ass plastic youngins-
Then it is high time that you learnt them
how to not get knocked up!
Sumbitch, make me break my cigarette!
I oughta kill you!
Do you know how much cigarettes cost?
Whatever happened to the olden days
when you could just baby shake a crazy person
or lock them up or some shit like that?
But naw, these days peoples gots to have
civil rights and all that shit.
And pull up your damn pants.
Hell ain't nobody wantin' to look at your shitter!
Like I need to take some advice
from some little boy that looks
like a Cabbage Patch doll?
You stoop.
Now y'all know I got a mouth about as big
as Mamaw's cankes,
but I ain't never let that stop me
to bitchin' about who or what I want
Whatever comes in my mind!
I am the unkillable,
unfathomable, unreasonable, unbeatable
Queen Bitch of the Trailer Park.
I am Loretta Jenkins.
I have got a lot of pent up ange
that I need to release on y'all
like a bunch of birds and frogs
fallin' from the sky!
THIS is How I Seize It, motherfuckers!
If your quarterback got a thing
for a transvestite midget China gal,
then they'll Fed Ex him one!
But be warned, it is common knowledge
that zombies is notorious liars!
You can't trust someone
who can't blink they eyes.
I mean, that's why we don't let cats
run for office, y'all!
I hate gettin' the crabs.
That shampoo expensive!
So they president?
Y'all know he's a confected child sex fende
and a German Shepherd moleste
AND his granddaddy was the
Grand Wizard of the KKK!
And out of respect for the Jew holiday
I ain't got no Christmas decorations around here.
Well, except for my panties.
They got Santa Clauses on them
Ho, ho, ho!
Oh, Tank! We done!
Oh God.
Stick it in me!
STICK IT IN ME!!!
It ain't nothin' but a couple of lesbians
eatin' each others shit
and then pukin' it out on each others naked bodies.
Oh God Lord Jesus please forgive me
for bein' tempted to watchin' this nasty-ass shit
just to get my YouTube ratings more popular!
LORETTA: So you a tranny.
SAMOA: The T-word is an offensive, derogatory term to trans people.
LORETTA: Kinda like how you can't say retarded no more?
SAMOA: Exactly.
LORETTA: Yeah, that's retarded.
Now I ain't cussin' at you.
I am cussin' at your Norton shit
which has fucked my system up!
Some of y'all out there is thinkin'
Oooh naw, God & Jesus,
they ain't never gonna let that
happen to us cause we pray!
What kind of asshole sends you
a restraining order in a Vallytime's card.
(cries)
Hell, I still fuck the shit
out of that Jeff Probe dude, man.
I don't care if he's married or not.
I don't play by nobody's rules.
And I lean over to look,
and sumbitch has got his pecke
in my aforementioned cooter-eater's pooper!
Goddamnit!
Pop a cap in me for even thinkin' it,
but oughten we get Jimmy Carter
back up in this bitch?
Wasn't gas just about a dollar
when he was in office?
Talentless slut.
I think it's funny them TV execs out there
think we ought to be takin' fashion advice
from some bitch whose only been famous
for bein' nekkid!
Leave somethin' to the imagination!
Now I don't see what's so confusin'
or time-consumin' about
takin' a shower, combin' your hair,
brushin' your teeth, wipin' your ass,
or usin' some deodorant
that ain't a piece of rock or somethin'.
And all the ice caps is gonna melt
and go in reverse.
We gonna be all covered up in metal
like that bitch in the Superman movie
and we all gonna turn into robots
and is that the kind of world
we wanna leave to our next generation?
I'm Loretta Jenkins
and I hereby declare myself a one-percente
cause I'm a winner
and not a goddamn hippie loser.
I think I believes in God,
cause how else would pube hairs
know when to stop growin'?
LORETTA: It ain't just Whites been down the downstairs
of my Pleasure Palace.
CHANTALASMONIQUI: Oh, goddamn.
Somebody needs to pray for ya.
LORETTA: Stop yelliin' at me!
Hold on.
CHANTALASMONIQUI: No!
LORETTA: Lemme exercise them demons!
CHANTALASMONIQUI: Get 'em out, girl!
Get it out!
Get the sangria ins.
It's the blood, blood of Jesus!
I don't want this to come off wrongly,
but it might be a sign from God
that your uterus has overused its welcome
when dead youngins starts fallin' out.
I'm a slut.
I am a proud slut.
And I'm standin' up for ALL proud sluts
out there in the world!
You knows who you are.
Real womens don't fuck with no pantyhose on.
I don't fuck with pantyhose period.
I like to let my cooter breathe.
Stacey, is it?
Hey darlin.
It ain't no wonder you hate the gays,
cause your name queere
than a creme brulee dildo.
It's like my adoptive great-aunt HIldegard
on my daddy's side's myna bird used to say,
"You purty much a worthless flesh-sack
of oxygen if you ugly."
(Squawk!)
Serve me right for gettin' a little work done
out the back of a mobile clinic
that come by once a month
to siphen off my migrant renter's Medicaid benefits.
Let's just let them all kill each othe
and then we'll have one less thing
to bitch about in this world.
Y'all been thinkin' it.
You know Lo'll say it out loud, FUCK IT!
You just need to love that little homosexual.
Protect him from the bullies.
And you teach him how to take it
up the butt,
that is all you need to know.
Has y'all got any idea how many
faggots and lonely housewives
would pay to fuck a Clooney-clone?
A bunch of them.
And they'll pay top dollar!
Believes it or not,
I got these two ghost sisters,
what lives in my head,
Mona and Margie...
Long story shorten,
I ejected them out the trailer park long ago
and ever since-
They killed theyself in a double suicide
so they wouldn't be homeless
and they been hauntin' my noggin'
and that's why I drink so much.
(slurps)
Fuck, I spend about half the episodes
wishin' that cunt-faced Lady Edith
would get trampled on by a horse.
So yeah, I hates youngins,
but I hate lower forms of life
like child molesters even more.
LORETTA: Oh, let's do a pop quiz.
STEPHON: I don' t feel so well.
LORETTA: Stephon, look at me.
Not my eyes, dumbass!
Tits, now!
But all we did was let this black dude
listen to us fuck over the speaker phone.
We didn't get the urge to
chew nobody chin off or nothin'.
I hope you idgits out there realize
them ghost movies
is as fake as my titties.
Any dumbfuck out there with a shakycam
think he goddamn Stephen King!
Oh yeah!
Look folks! There it is!
They done called the election for...
Barack Husseim Obama!!!
(claps)
They all like,
"You bullyin' us Christians!"
And I'm like,
"You been doin' it to the rest of the world
for the past 2000 years,
so deal with it!"
Y'all ever wonder if that husband of hers
used to make her let him fuck her up the butt
and that's what killed her?
I do.
I live in the real world.
And I ain't got time to feed you
take cartoon animals
or grow cyberfood!
You got that?
It wouldn't surprise me if God
classify this fast food contest
as devil-worshippin'!
Savin' your cherry for your husband.
We throwed that out with the chamberpots
and ladies wavin' with handkerchiefs.
In the Wintertimes,
Tank come over wearin' a Santy Claus suit
and right before he dump his eggnog he like,
"Here comes Sanny Claus,
Here comes Sanny Claus,
Right down Sanny Claus Lane!"
You know Sanny Claus Lane my pussy y'all!
I had to act fast.
So I just drop trou,
pinch one off
and toss a turd at her face
like a crazy monkey!
Hey, does y'all know you ain't
supposed to give gorillas no beer?
Hell, I don't know.
As much as I drink,
every dude end up lookin' like
Burt Reynolds or Charlton Heston to me.
If I ever get cancer,
I'm gonna name my tumor 'Taylor Swift.'
I mean like, is this...
Is this even like really like singin'?
Y'all keep this stoop music
over there on your side of the planet.
Ew, and they make that nasty sketti
with pasta and ketchup and mayonnaise.
Them is condiments, y'all.
Them ain't in no food groups.
Has y'all seen where these
homely heifer Sister Wives
has said they approve of gay relationships?
Yeah, like queers has them!
I always thought they ought to swap her out
for that Raven-Symone Cosby gal.
Do y'all know she a lesbun?
That makes me feel old.
She old enough for lesbun sex!
I got mad spects for that Anne Hathaway tho
willin' to walk around in that bulldagga hair,
just so they can get that scene
where she bellerin' on and on
about her youngin.
Now I don't care if you pray,
hail mary fulla gracy
or speak in tongues.
Ho Humm Dimm Summ..
Hey!
What the fuck she say about me?
Don't protect this deaf-sympathizin' heifer!
Goddamn, do I look like
I eat motherfuckin' ice cream
My shit's so tight,
I can toss an Easter egg
clear across the White House lawn.
Course now I'm on some no-fly list
for some Patriot Act bullshit.
Damn, here come another panic attack.
Where my double-stack Xannies at?
I know one of y'all took 'em!
Hell, I sold my soul to some gypsy woman
for a pack of Camels,
but the jokes on her...
I don't believe in no gyppies!
They say it kills cancer cells, too.
It's the wondermous drug
that works wondermouses!
I mean hell,
my pussy'd be just like saloon doors
flappin' in the dusty breeze
all the live long day!
And now the entire concept
of capitalism is just a dyin' cactus flowe
in a desert of Chinese debt,
droppin' small business petals off
to just whither and die.
Success is stressful, y'all.
It's a tale as old as time,
you know what I mean.
It is all about seizin' powe
and manipulatin' folk,
backstabbin' on your best friend,
usin' peoples like puppets,
and startin' drama.
It is everything I love about bein' alive!
LOCOMAMA: Like lookin' in a mirror, ain't it?
LORETTA: Yeah, a goddamn funhouse mirror!
(laughs)
Fuck you think I'm gonna stop there?
Hell no!
I'm just gettin' started you stoop-asses!
Y'all keep it tipsy
and remember...
Find me on Facebook
or Fuck Off!
Unlessen I croak or end up on the lamb,
I'll see y'all this fall with Season Fou
and that's How I Seize It!
You wanna see a magic trick, minions?
Ooooh, floopnard...
Sends me some more goddamn money for beer...
BEGONE!
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