Hardcore Hunting

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FADE IN:



EXT. WOODS - DAY

LUTE KRZYNSKY stands on the edge of a deep, dark woods.

LUTE
Howdy home hunters. Lace 'em up
and strap 'em down, 'cause it's
time for another action-packed
episode of Hardcore Hunting...

BROCK CHITNEY leans his grizzled mug into frame.

BROCK
EXTREME!!!

OPENING CREDITS.

A) Brock and Lute running through the woods.

B) Lute signalling to camera to follow him into the breech.

C) Brock up a tree stalking a rabbit. CRASH! Brock falls
out of the tree, landing on top of the rabbit. SQUEAK!

D) Lute hiding in tall grass. CU on rattlesnake. Snake
bites Lute's hand. He goes flailing around and BASHES the
snake against a tree.

E) Lute and Brock walking in Slow-Mo towards camera in bad
ass poses.

END OF CREDITS.



EXT. WOODS - CONTINUOUS

Brock and Lute stand in front of trees.

LUTE
Welcome to Hardcore Hunting. The
only hunting show that doesn't use
guns.

BROCK
Guns are for pussies.

LUTE
Exactly. Guns are for pussies.
And you guys ain't pussies. Am I
right? I'm your host Lute
Krzynsky.

BROCK
And I'm Brock Chitney.

LUTE
And today we're gonna be hunting on
Government protected Wildlife
preserved land.

BROCK
(has an idea)
Hey, wait, isn't hunting on
Government land highly illegal?
Don't we need permits?

LUTE
That's right, Brock. Hunting on
government land IS illegal. But
we're hunting with our bare hands.
We are completely unarmed.

BROCK
But my hands are registered as
deadly weapons Grr!

Lute gives Brock a withering look, and continues speaking.

LUTE
If we happen to stumble upon any
wild creatures we will have to
defend ourselves. And this being
America, a man has a right to
protect himself. Am I right?

BROCK
Yeaergh!!!

CUT TO:



EXT DIFFERENT WOODS - DAY

Brock and Lute walking through the woods. Lute finds a
broken twig and sniffs it.

BROCK
So, Lute. Tell our fans what we're
hunting today.

LUTE
I'm glad that you asked, Brock.
Today we'll be hunting the
Tympanachus Pallidicinctus... A
species of grouse.

BROCK
Oh hell YEAH!

Brock works himself up to a blood-thirsy frenzy.

LUTE
Now Tympanachus Pallidicinctus is
better known as The Lesser Prairie
Chicken. These birds feed mainly
on vegetables but--

BROCK
Wait a minute. We're gonna be
huntin' freaking chickens?

LUTE
Yeah, but these are wild chickens.

BROCK
I got six chickens in a coop in my
backyard. Why'm I gonna go
traipsin' through woods, standing
ball-deep in swamps when all I
gotta do his step into my backyard
and jerk me a couple a long-necks?

LUTE
Trust me, dude. Prairie chickens
are pretty hardcore. These are
deeply territorial birds that will
defend their mating grounds with
their big, sharp talons.

BROCK
But they're stinkin' chickens.
There ain't nothin' scary about no
gol-darned chickens.

LUTE
They'll gouge your freakin' eyes
out, man.

Brock is not buying it.

BROCK
Aw, screw it. Maybe I'll use a
rotting chicken carcass to bag me a
cougar. Now the cougar IS a bad
ass animal, with claws and fangs,
and stuff.

LUTE
Dude, I know you got a hard-on for
a cougar but you gotta be careful
with grouse. They can be dangerous
if not respected--

PHONE RINGS. Lute plays it off. Brock looks up in the
trees. He's baffled.

BROCK
What the--?

Lute checks the phone.

LUTE
Oh, sorry dude. I gotta take this.
(into phone)
Baby, what did I tell you about
callin' on my hunting excursions
with Brock. I know, I know. I'm
sorry poochie.

Brock makes digusted faces. He pretends to vomit.

LUTE
I love you too sweetie. I'll call
you right back.

BROCK
What was that?

LUTE
What?

BROCK
It's a Hardcore Hunting tradition
that we do not take phones on
hunting trips. We also do not talk
to chicks or females on these
phones.

LUTE
Aw, come on, man. That's just for
the ugly-ass mud-guppies that you
pick up. Phyllis is stacked man.
I'm talking gazongas out to here.

BROCK
I don't give a rat's ass. There is
no finer American institution than
hunting. And skirts have no place
on a huntin' trip.

PHONE RINGS. Lute perserveres, but then breaks down and
answers the phone.

BROCK
You make me sick.

LUTE
I'm sorry I was brief with you,
baby-doll, but I'm doin' my TV show
right now. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

BROCK
Screw it, I'm gonna go bag me some
grouse and get home in time for
Ultimate Fightin'.

LUTE
What's your thing against women?
Especially hot ones. You wanna be
single and alone your whole life,
man?

Brock wanders off into the bushes.

LUTE
Brock, you can't go runnin' off
like this. Grouse can be deadly.
(into phone)
Sorry. Yes dear, I'm listening.
I'm sorry, baby.



EXT. MORE WOODS - DAY

Brock goes stomping through the underbrush.

BROCK
Lemme tell you somethin' about
skirts. You gotta show 'em who's
boss. You can't give em an inch or
they take the pair. Snip-snip.

Brock makes a scissors motion. Brock HEARS an EAR-SPLITTING
GROUSE shriek.

BROCK
(terrified)
Oh momma. Oh. I'm just gonna head
over this way to see if--



EXT. FOREST CLEARING -- DAY

Lute strikes a pose, standing on a log.

LUTE
This looks like a grouse booming
ground. These booming grounds are
areas where grouse perform displays
of attracting women. Their
displays consist of inflating air
sacs in the side of their necks and
snapping their tails.

Lute demonstrates Grouse sexual displays.

LUTE
What are you laughing at?

GUS (O.C.)
Nothing.

Brock bursts through the clearing and stops short. Lute
turns to look at him.

BROCK
One of them chickens is following
me. I think he's smelled blood.

Brock and Lute hear a BLOOD-CURDLING Squawk.

BROCK
There it is again. He's getting
closer.

Brock runs to the bushes. A CHICKEN Pounches out of the
bushes and flutters at Brock.

Brock SCREAMS and SCREAMS. The chicken scratches at the dirt
and pecks the ground.

Gus and Lute laugh hysterically.

LUTE
Now I've seen it. The great hunter
is scared by a little chicky.

BROCK
It was a Forest Grouse. Dammit I
soiled myself. I'm gonna go clean
up.

Lute points at Brock and laughs. Brock heads into the
bushes.

LUTE
Tell me, are these new boots okay?
Phyllis got 'em for me, but they're
kind of purty and like, for girls.
What do you think?

Lute bends down to tie his boot. He SEES SOMETHING hidden by
leaves.

LUTE
Hey Gus. Get a shot of that!

LUTE
(can barely contain his
excitement)
This my friend is Cannabis Sativa.
Better known as Marijuana or weed.
Brock, you gotta see this.

Brock walks back from the bushes.

BROCK
Huh?

LUTE
Look around you.

Brock looks around. He sees a pot plant. Then another one.
Then another one. Then HUNDREDS of them. Lute crouches down
and crushes a leaf in his fingers.

LUTE
If I had to guess, this looks
like... Northern Lights, or BC
Bud.

Lute sniffs his fingers.

LUTE
Oh my dear lord. It's Eureka Blue
Thunder. Brock go get the pick-up
and back that mother up to this
sweet, sweet goldmine.

BROCK
I'm going, I'm going.

Brock trundles off, but stops.

LUTE
The only thing that's a little
queer is... As far as I know
marijuana doesn't usually grow in
the wild--

Brock has stopped walking and raises his arms.

BROCK
Lute, I think you better see this.

LUTE
Why are you still here? We need
those duffel bags. Big ones.

ZOOM OUT to see Brock looking down the barrel of a rusty
hunting rifle owned by a shaggy Pot-grower, ZEKE.

LUTE
What the--?

Lute turns to see he's being covered by a dangerous looking
machete, held to his throat by RUSTY, an even more deranged
pot grower.

RUSTY
Zeke, I think we got some
trespassers.

BROCK
You're sadly mistaken. This is
public government land, and as a
result anybody can walk or hunt
here, if they want to.

LUTE
This is not the time, Brock.

The camera backs away slowly. Zeke turns and aims the gun at
the camera.

ZEKE
Uh-uh, where you think you're goin'
off to, boy? You tryin' to runs
away?

The CAMERA shakes his head, NO.

CUT TO:



EXT. CAMP SITE - DAY

Lute and Brock are gagged and hog-tied in their underwear and
they lay in the dirt next to GUS the camera man.

Rusty paces back and forth. He's tweaking out.

RUSTY
Quit foolin' around. We got
serious business here.

Zeke puts down the camera, and runs over to Rusty.

ZEKE
I think we should just let them
free. They wouldn't harm nobody.

Lute, Gus and Brock smile sweetly and nod their heads.

RUSTY
I think it's too late in the game
for that. We gotta dispose of the
dead weight here. They found our
secret honey patch.

ZEKE
But Rusty. They ain't done
nothin'. They're just big babbies.

Brock weeps softly. Rusty bends down and takes the gag out
of Brock's mouth with his knife. He holds up the blade to
Brock who squeals.

RUSTY
What a pussy. I'm gonna have to
teach him a lesson in manliness.
Backwoods style.

Rusty CHORTLES. Lute moves his mouth and gets the gag down
around his neck.

LUTE
I'm sorry we busted in on your uh,
camp site like this boys. But
we're uh, just makin' a hunting
show. We don't know who you are.
I mean Brock here's a sissy. He
won't tell a soul what he saw here.
And Gus is a soft-brain. He can't
read maps and he's got no sense of
direction.

Gus works his gag off as well.

GUS
That's absolutely true. I got no
idea where we're at right now. I
just hold the camera, man. That's
all I know. Don't hurt me.

LUTE
'Sides. We got no way to call for
help. It's you and us and the
birds. Right?

RUSTY
That's right. We're out in the
middle of nowhere. Nobody to call
for help...

Lute's PHONE RINGS.

ZEKE
Who's there?

LUTE
That? That's just the call of a
yellow-breasted sap-sucker. Ka-KA,
ka-KAW!!!

Lute's PHONE RINGS AGAIN. Rusty fumbles in Lute's pockets
and pulls out the phone.

RUSTY
What is this?
(into phone)
Hello? Sorry Lute is a little tied
up right now, who is this?
Phyllis, anybody tell you that you
got a sexy voice? Really.

LUTE
Can I talk to her.

Rusty purposefully turns his back. Zeke shoves Lute back
down threateningly.

RUSTY
Well, what are you wearing? Ooh, I
like that. Me? I got boots on.
And a shirt. Say Phyllis, whatcha'
doing Friday night? Nah, I don't
think Lute's gonna be making that
appointment.

Lute looks concerned. Rusty winks at him and blows a kiss.

RUSTY
Friday night at the Mr. Piggly's.
It's a date.

Rusty hangs up.

RUSTY
You got some woman there, Lute. Me
and Zeke needs to discuss this
sitiation, so don't go nowhere's.

Rusty CHORTLES. Rusty puts the gags back on Gus and Lute but
neglects Brock. Rusty and Zeke wander off.

BROCK
I can get us out of here.

Brock squirms but falls face first into the dirt.

LUTE
MMM-mmm!

BROCK
Don' worry, man. I'll chew my way
out of these ropes.

Brock chews on the ropes and frees his hands and feet.

BROCK
Stupid potheads, can't tie a simple
buntline hitch.

LUTE
Mmmrrrgh!

BROCK
Okay. I'm gonna run down the hill.
Hitch a ride to town. Go warn the
sheriff and I'll have you guys out
of here in two shakes of a
squirrel's tush.

Lute works the gag out of his mouth.

LUTE
Brock, untie me.

BROCK
I'm gonna run for freedom. I'll be
back with a posse.

LUTE
Untie me, you sissy.

BROCK
There's no time.

Brock moves to leave but Lute trips him. Brock and Lute roll
on the ground.

GUS
Come on guys. They're coming back.

Lute discovers his feet are free and he stands up, hands tied
behind his back.

ZEKE (O.S.)
Holy crap, Rusty. They're getting
away.

Lute and Brock SCREAM in terror and bolt into the woods.
Leaving Gus tied up.

GUS
Hey guys, what about me? Guys!?!?



EXT. SCARY WOODS CHASE - DAY

Brock and Lute dash through the woods in their underwear.

LUTE
Okay, split up. Go that way.

Lute runs to and fro, but Brock follows him.

BROCK
No way man. I can run faster than
you. If it's me or you, I'll trust
my chances with numbers. Like with
schools of sardines. You taught me
that.

LUTE
But if we split up, we got a 50-50
chance of survivin'. Like
Thompson's Gazelles. Remember our
African Safari?

Lute and Brock play ring-around-the rosie around a pine tree.

Rusty breaks through the underbrush. Brock and Lute run for
their lives.

Rusty chases them with the camera laughing MANIACALLY. Brock
and Lute try to run away.

They duck down behind a tree. Rusty looks frantically
around, but can't find Brock and Lute hiding.

Lute signals to Brock to follow him. Brock shakes him off.
Lute signals furtively. Brock shakes him off again. Lute is
frustrated. He picks up a rock and tosses it at Brock.

The noise draws Rusty's attention to Brock. Brock grins
sheepishly.

Brock is cornered. Rusty moves in for the kill. He films
Brock who looks terrified.

RUSTY
Say cheese.

LUTE
Cheese!

Lute jumps on Rusty's back. They struggle. Brock grabs a
log and WHACKS Rusty in the foot. Rusty bends over to hold
his foot and Brock CONKS him on the head. Rusty collapses
under Lute's weight.

Lute reaches into Rusty's pocket and takes back his phone.
He wipes it off and puts it into his pocket.

BROCK
All right, we can call for help.

LUTE
Nah, man. We don't have time. We
need to go back and rescue Gus.
He's probably scared out of his
mind right now.



EXT. CAMP SITE - DAY

Gus is still tied up. Rusty covers him with the shotgun.

ZEKE
Your friends ain't comin' back.
They abandoned you. Hey, you wanna
play a game?

Gus looks at Zeke fearfully. Rusty aims his hunting rifle at
Gus.

ZEKE
I want you to suck on both barrels.
It's painless, I promise.

Gus is frightened. Zeke pulls the trigger. Gus flinches,
expecting the end.

A stream of smoke puffs out of the gun.

ZEKE
It don't shoot bullets.

Gus nods to the hundreds of marijuana plants. Gus sniffs the
smoke. He smiles. Zeke takes a HUGE TOKE off his rifle. He
hands it to Gus.



EXT. WOODS - DAY

Brock and Lute bicker as they walk through the woods.

LUTE
I'm tellin' you, we're not leaving
Gus out here all alone. We're a
team.

BROCK
It's not my problem. Let the
Forest Rangers handle it.

LUTE
You can't just leave our cameraman
in the hands of that psycho.

BROCK
Why not?

LUTE
'Cause it just ain't right.

BROCK
But he's got a gun.

Lute makes a chicken sound. He does the Grouse Sexual dance.

BROCK
I ain't a chicken.

LUTE
No, but you got scared by one.

BROCK
You just won't let that go, will
you?

LUTE
Nope.



EXT. CAMP SITE - DAY

Zeke and Gus are BAKED. They giggle. Zeke HEARS A GROUSE
SQUAWK.

ZEKE
What, what was that?

Rusty nervously aims his gun into the bushes. He's paranoid.

ZEKE
Hey, I got the gun. Your ass is
grass, boy.

BROCK (O.C.)
Guns are for pussies.

Rusty points his rifle at the voice. Brock bellows his WAR
CRY and charges at Zeke. Zeke SCREAMS. He drops his gun and
runs for the woods.

We HEAR A GROUSE SQUAWK! Suddenly a grouse lunges out of the
woods and attacks Zeke. There is a LOUD CRUNCHING SOUND and
Zeke is dragged into the bushes.

LUTE
I warned you about them prairie
chickens, didn't I?

GUS
I'm gonna be sick.

BROCK
I already beat you to it.

Brock LOUDLY VOMITS into the bushes.

Lute unties Gus then hands him the camera.

LUTE
Here you go, Gus. Make your magic
happen.



EXT. WOODS - NIGHT

Lute and Brock walk through the woods.

LUTE
Thanks for joining us on Hardcore
Hunting. We didn't catch anything
today but I think we learned an
important life lesson--

The PHONE RINGS. Lute reaches for his phone, but stops.

LUTE
I should get that. Phyllis is
probably worried.

BROCK
It's cool. Go ahead.

Lute hangs up the phone.

LUTE
Nah, man. You were right. Chicks
shouldn't come between two dudes
and hunting.

BROCK
We're hunting... Extreme!!!

FADE TO BLACK:



ROLL CREDITS.



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