Hardcore Hunting

    FADE IN:



    EXT. WOODS - DAY

    LUTE KRZYNSKY stands on the edge of a deep, dark woods.

         LUTE
       Howdy home hunters. Lace 'em up
       and strap 'em down, 'cause it's
       time for another action-packed
       episode of Hardcore Hunting...

    BROCK CHITNEY leans his grizzled mug into frame.

         BROCK
       EXTREME!!!

    OPENING CREDITS.

    A) Brock and Lute running through the woods.

    B) Lute signalling to camera to follow him into the breech.

    C) Brock up a tree stalking a rabbit. CRASH! Brock falls
    out of the tree, landing on top of the rabbit. SQUEAK!

    D) Lute hiding in tall grass. CU on rattlesnake. Snake
    bites Lute's hand. He goes flailing around and BASHES the
    snake against a tree.

    E) Lute and Brock walking in Slow-Mo towards camera in bad
    ass poses.

    END OF CREDITS.



    EXT. WOODS - CONTINUOUS

    Brock and Lute stand in front of trees.

         LUTE
       Welcome to Hardcore Hunting. The
       only hunting show that doesn't use
       guns.

         BROCK
       Guns are for pussies.

         LUTE
       Exactly. Guns are for pussies. 
       And you guys ain't pussies. Am I
       right? I'm your host Lute
       Krzynsky. 

         BROCK
       And I'm Brock Chitney.

         LUTE
       And today we're gonna be hunting on
       Government protected Wildlife
       preserved land.

         BROCK
        (has an idea)
       Hey, wait, isn't hunting on
       Government land highly illegal? 
       Don't we need permits? 

         LUTE
       That's right, Brock. Hunting on
       government land IS illegal. But
       we're hunting with our bare hands. 
       We are completely unarmed.

         BROCK
       But my hands are registered as
       deadly weapons Grr!

    Lute gives Brock a withering look, and continues speaking.

         LUTE
       If we happen to stumble upon any
       wild creatures we will have to
       defend ourselves. And this being
       America, a man has a right to
       protect himself. Am I right?

         BROCK
       Yeaergh!!!

                CUT TO:



    EXT DIFFERENT WOODS - DAY

    Brock and Lute walking through the woods. Lute finds a
    broken twig and sniffs it. 

         BROCK
       So, Lute. Tell our fans what we're
       hunting today. 

         LUTE
       I'm glad that you asked, Brock. 
       Today we'll be hunting the
       Tympanachus Pallidicinctus... A
       species of grouse.

         BROCK
       Oh hell YEAH!

    Brock works himself up to a blood-thirsy frenzy.

         LUTE
       Now Tympanachus Pallidicinctus is
       better known as The Lesser Prairie
       Chicken. These birds feed mainly
       on vegetables but--

         BROCK
       Wait a minute. We're gonna be
       huntin' freaking chickens? 

         LUTE
       Yeah, but these are wild chickens. 

         BROCK
       I got six chickens in a coop in my
       backyard. Why'm I gonna go
       traipsin' through woods, standing
       ball-deep in swamps when all I
       gotta do his step into my backyard
       and jerk me a couple a long-necks? 

         LUTE
       Trust me, dude. Prairie chickens
       are pretty hardcore. These are
       deeply territorial birds that will
       defend their mating grounds with
       their big, sharp talons. 

         BROCK
       But they're stinkin' chickens. 
       There ain't nothin' scary about no
       gol-darned chickens.

         LUTE
       They'll gouge your freakin' eyes
       out, man.

    Brock is not buying it.

         BROCK
       Aw, screw it. Maybe I'll use a
       rotting chicken carcass to bag me a
       cougar. Now the cougar IS a bad
       ass animal, with claws and fangs,
       and stuff. 

         LUTE
       Dude, I know you got a hard-on for
       a cougar but you gotta be careful
       with grouse. They can be dangerous
       if not respected-- 

    PHONE RINGS. Lute plays it off. Brock looks up in the
    trees. He's baffled.

         BROCK
       What the--?

    Lute checks the phone. 

         LUTE
       Oh, sorry dude. I gotta take this.
        (into phone)
       Baby, what did I tell you about
       callin' on my hunting excursions
       with Brock. I know, I know. I'm
       sorry poochie. 

    Brock makes digusted faces. He pretends to vomit.

         LUTE
       I love you too sweetie. I'll call
       you right back.

         BROCK
       What was that?

         LUTE
       What?

         BROCK
       It's a Hardcore Hunting tradition
       that we do not take phones on
       hunting trips. We also do not talk
       to chicks or females on these
       phones.

         LUTE
       Aw, come on, man. That's just for
       the ugly-ass mud-guppies that you
       pick up. Phyllis is stacked man. 
       I'm talking gazongas out to here.

         BROCK
       I don't give a rat's ass. There is
       no finer American institution than
       hunting. And skirts have no place
       on a huntin' trip. 

    PHONE RINGS. Lute perserveres, but then breaks down and
    answers the phone.

         BROCK
       You make me sick.

         LUTE
       I'm sorry I was brief with you,
       baby-doll, but I'm doin' my TV show
       right now. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

         BROCK
       Screw it, I'm gonna go bag me some
       grouse and get home in time for
       Ultimate Fightin'. 

         LUTE
       What's your thing against women? 
       Especially hot ones. You wanna be
       single and alone your whole life,
       man?

    Brock wanders off into the bushes.

         LUTE
       Brock, you can't go runnin' off
       like this. Grouse can be deadly.
        (into phone)
       Sorry. Yes dear, I'm listening. 
       I'm sorry, baby.



    EXT. MORE WOODS - DAY

    Brock goes stomping through the underbrush.

         BROCK
       Lemme tell you somethin' about
       skirts. You gotta show 'em who's
       boss. You can't give em an inch or
       they take the pair. Snip-snip.

    Brock makes a scissors motion. Brock HEARS an EAR-SPLITTING
    GROUSE shriek.

         BROCK
        (terrified)
       Oh momma. Oh. I'm just gonna head
       over this way to see if--



    EXT. FOREST CLEARING -- DAY

    Lute strikes a pose, standing on a log. 

         LUTE
       This looks like a grouse booming
       ground. These booming grounds are
       areas where grouse perform displays
       of attracting women. Their
       displays consist of inflating air
       sacs in the side of their necks and
       snapping their tails.

    Lute demonstrates Grouse sexual displays. 

         LUTE
       What are you laughing at? 

         GUS (O.C.)
       Nothing.

    Brock bursts through the clearing and stops short. Lute
    turns to look at him.

         BROCK
       One of them chickens is following
       me. I think he's smelled blood.

    Brock and Lute hear a BLOOD-CURDLING Squawk.

         BROCK
       There it is again. He's getting
       closer.

    Brock runs to the bushes. A CHICKEN Pounches out of the
    bushes and flutters at Brock. 

    Brock SCREAMS and SCREAMS. The chicken scratches at the dirt
    and pecks the ground.

    Gus and Lute laugh hysterically.

         LUTE
       Now I've seen it. The great hunter
       is scared by a little chicky.

         BROCK
       It was a Forest Grouse. Dammit I
       soiled myself. I'm gonna go clean
       up.

    Lute points at Brock and laughs. Brock heads into the
    bushes. 

         LUTE
       Tell me, are these new boots okay? 
       Phyllis got 'em for me, but they're
       kind of purty and like, for girls. 
       What do you think?

    Lute bends down to tie his boot. He SEES SOMETHING hidden by
    leaves.

         LUTE
       Hey Gus. Get a shot of that!

         LUTE
        (can barely contain his
        excitement)
       This my friend is Cannabis Sativa. 
       Better known as Marijuana or weed. 
       Brock, you gotta see this.

    Brock walks back from the bushes.

         BROCK
       Huh?

         LUTE
       Look around you.

    Brock looks around. He sees a pot plant. Then another one. 
    Then another one. Then HUNDREDS of them. Lute crouches down
    and crushes a leaf in his fingers.

         LUTE
       If I had to guess, this looks
       like... Northern Lights, or BC
       Bud. 

    Lute sniffs his fingers.

         LUTE
       Oh my dear lord. It's Eureka Blue
       Thunder. Brock go get the pick-up
       and back that mother up to this
       sweet, sweet goldmine.

         BROCK
       I'm going, I'm going.

    Brock trundles off, but stops.

         LUTE
       The only thing that's a little
       queer is... As far as I know
       marijuana doesn't usually grow in
       the wild--

    Brock has stopped walking and raises his arms.

         BROCK
       Lute, I think you better see this.

         LUTE
       Why are you still here? We need
       those duffel bags. Big ones.

    ZOOM OUT to see Brock looking down the barrel of a rusty
    hunting rifle owned by a shaggy Pot-grower, ZEKE. 

         LUTE
       What the--?

    Lute turns to see he's being covered by a dangerous looking
    machete, held to his throat by RUSTY, an even more deranged
    pot grower. 

         RUSTY
       Zeke, I think we got some
       trespassers.

         BROCK
       You're sadly mistaken. This is
       public government land, and as a
       result anybody can walk or hunt
       here, if they want to.

         LUTE
       This is not the time, Brock.

    The camera backs away slowly. Zeke turns and aims the gun at
    the camera.

         ZEKE
       Uh-uh, where you think you're goin'
       off to, boy? You tryin' to runs
       away?

    The CAMERA shakes his head, NO.

                CUT TO:



    EXT. CAMP SITE - DAY

    Lute and Brock are gagged and hog-tied in their underwear and
    they lay in the dirt next to GUS the camera man. 

    Rusty paces back and forth. He's tweaking out.

         RUSTY
       Quit foolin' around. We got
       serious business here.

    Zeke puts down the camera, and runs over to Rusty.

         ZEKE
       I think we should just let them
       free. They wouldn't harm nobody.

    Lute, Gus and Brock smile sweetly and nod their heads. 

         RUSTY
       I think it's too late in the game
       for that. We gotta dispose of the
       dead weight here. They found our
       secret honey patch.

         ZEKE
       But Rusty. They ain't done
       nothin'. They're just big babbies. 

    Brock weeps softly. Rusty bends down and takes the gag out
    of Brock's mouth with his knife. He holds up the blade to
    Brock who squeals.

         RUSTY
       What a pussy. I'm gonna have to
       teach him a lesson in manliness. 
       Backwoods style. 

    Rusty CHORTLES. Lute moves his mouth and gets the gag down
    around his neck.

         LUTE
       I'm sorry we busted in on your uh,
       camp site like this boys. But
       we're uh, just makin' a hunting
       show. We don't know who you are. 
       I mean Brock here's a sissy. He
       won't tell a soul what he saw here. 
       And Gus is a soft-brain. He can't
       read maps and he's got no sense of
       direction.

    Gus works his gag off as well.

         GUS
       That's absolutely true. I got no
       idea where we're at right now. I
       just hold the camera, man. That's
       all I know. Don't hurt me.

         LUTE
       'Sides. We got no way to call for
       help. It's you and us and the
       birds. Right?

         RUSTY
       That's right. We're out in the
       middle of nowhere. Nobody to call
       for help... 

    Lute's PHONE RINGS. 

         ZEKE
       Who's there?

         LUTE
       That? That's just the call of a
       yellow-breasted sap-sucker. Ka-KA,
       ka-KAW!!!

    Lute's PHONE RINGS AGAIN. Rusty fumbles in Lute's pockets
    and pulls out the phone.

         RUSTY
       What is this? 
        (into phone)
       Hello? Sorry Lute is a little tied
       up right now, who is this? 
       Phyllis, anybody tell you that you
       got a sexy voice? Really.

         LUTE
       Can I talk to her.

    Rusty purposefully turns his back. Zeke shoves Lute back
    down threateningly.

         RUSTY
       Well, what are you wearing? Ooh, I
       like that. Me? I got boots on. 
       And a shirt. Say Phyllis, whatcha'
       doing Friday night? Nah, I don't
       think Lute's gonna be making that
       appointment. 

    Lute looks concerned. Rusty winks at him and blows a kiss.

         RUSTY
       Friday night at the Mr. Piggly's. 
       It's a date. 

    Rusty hangs up. 

         RUSTY
       You got some woman there, Lute. Me
       and Zeke needs to discuss this
       sitiation, so don't go nowhere's. 

    Rusty CHORTLES. Rusty puts the gags back on Gus and Lute but
    neglects Brock. Rusty and Zeke wander off.

         BROCK
       I can get us out of here. 

    Brock squirms but falls face first into the dirt.

         LUTE
       MMM-mmm!

         BROCK
       Don' worry, man. I'll chew my way
       out of these ropes.

    Brock chews on the ropes and frees his hands and feet.

         BROCK
       Stupid potheads, can't tie a simple
       buntline hitch. 

         LUTE
       Mmmrrrgh!

         BROCK
       Okay. I'm gonna run down the hill. 
       Hitch a ride to town. Go warn the
       sheriff and I'll have you guys out
       of here in two shakes of a
       squirrel's tush.

    Lute works the gag out of his mouth.

         LUTE
       Brock, untie me.

         BROCK
       I'm gonna run for freedom. I'll be
       back with a posse.

         LUTE
       Untie me, you sissy.

         BROCK
       There's no time. 

    Brock moves to leave but Lute trips him. Brock and Lute roll
    on the ground. 

         GUS
       Come on guys. They're coming back. 

    Lute discovers his feet are free and he stands up, hands tied
    behind his back.

         ZEKE (O.S.)
       Holy crap, Rusty. They're getting
       away.

    Lute and Brock SCREAM in terror and bolt into the woods. 
    Leaving Gus tied up.

         GUS
       Hey guys, what about me? Guys!?!?



    EXT. SCARY WOODS CHASE - DAY

    Brock and Lute dash through the woods in their underwear. 

         LUTE
       Okay, split up. Go that way.

    Lute runs to and fro, but Brock follows him.

         BROCK
       No way man. I can run faster than
       you. If it's me or you, I'll trust
       my chances with numbers. Like with
       schools of sardines. You taught me
       that.

         LUTE
       But if we split up, we got a 50-50
       chance of survivin'. Like
       Thompson's Gazelles. Remember our
       African Safari? 

    Lute and Brock play ring-around-the rosie around a pine tree.

    Rusty breaks through the underbrush. Brock and Lute run for
    their lives.

    Rusty chases them with the camera laughing MANIACALLY. Brock
    and Lute try to run away. 

    They duck down behind a tree. Rusty looks frantically
    around, but can't find Brock and Lute hiding.

    Lute signals to Brock to follow him. Brock shakes him off. 
    Lute signals furtively. Brock shakes him off again. Lute is
    frustrated. He picks up a rock and tosses it at Brock. 

    The noise draws Rusty's attention to Brock. Brock grins
    sheepishly. 

    Brock is cornered. Rusty moves in for the kill. He films
    Brock who looks terrified. 

         RUSTY
       Say cheese.

         LUTE
       Cheese!

    Lute jumps on Rusty's back. They struggle. Brock grabs a
    log and WHACKS Rusty in the foot. Rusty bends over to hold
    his foot and Brock CONKS him on the head. Rusty collapses
    under Lute's weight.

    Lute reaches into Rusty's pocket and takes back his phone. 
    He wipes it off and puts it into his pocket.

         BROCK
       All right, we can call for help. 

         LUTE
       Nah, man. We don't have time. We
       need to go back and rescue Gus. 
       He's probably scared out of his
       mind right now. 



    EXT. CAMP SITE - DAY

    Gus is still tied up. Rusty covers him with the shotgun.

         ZEKE
       Your friends ain't comin' back. 
       They abandoned you. Hey, you wanna
       play a game? 

    Gus looks at Zeke fearfully. Rusty aims his hunting rifle at
    Gus.

         ZEKE
       I want you to suck on both barrels. 
       It's painless, I promise.

    Gus is frightened. Zeke pulls the trigger. Gus flinches,
    expecting the end. 

    A stream of smoke puffs out of the gun. 

         ZEKE
       It don't shoot bullets. 

    Gus nods to the hundreds of marijuana plants. Gus sniffs the
    smoke. He smiles. Zeke takes a HUGE TOKE off his rifle. He
    hands it to Gus. 



    EXT. WOODS - DAY

    Brock and Lute bicker as they walk through the woods. 

         LUTE
       I'm tellin' you, we're not leaving
       Gus out here all alone. We're a
       team. 

         BROCK
       It's not my problem. Let the
       Forest Rangers handle it. 

         LUTE
       You can't just leave our cameraman
       in the hands of that psycho. 

         BROCK
       Why not?

         LUTE
       'Cause it just ain't right.

         BROCK
       But he's got a gun.

    Lute makes a chicken sound. He does the Grouse Sexual dance.

         BROCK
       I ain't a chicken.

         LUTE
       No, but you got scared by one.

         BROCK
       You just won't let that go, will
       you?

         LUTE
       Nope.



    EXT. CAMP SITE - DAY

    Zeke and Gus are BAKED. They giggle. Zeke HEARS A GROUSE
    SQUAWK.

         ZEKE
       What, what was that? 

    Rusty nervously aims his gun into the bushes. He's paranoid.

         ZEKE
       Hey, I got the gun. Your ass is
       grass, boy.

         BROCK (O.C.)
       Guns are for pussies.

    Rusty points his rifle at the voice. Brock bellows his WAR
    CRY and charges at Zeke. Zeke SCREAMS. He drops his gun and
    runs for the woods. 

    We HEAR A GROUSE SQUAWK! Suddenly a grouse lunges out of the
    woods and attacks Zeke. There is a LOUD CRUNCHING SOUND and
    Zeke is dragged into the bushes.

         LUTE
       I warned you about them prairie
       chickens, didn't I?

         GUS
       I'm gonna be sick.

         BROCK
       I already beat you to it.

    Brock LOUDLY VOMITS into the bushes.

    Lute unties Gus then hands him the camera.

         LUTE
       Here you go, Gus. Make your magic
       happen.



    EXT. WOODS - NIGHT

    Lute and Brock walk through the woods. 

         LUTE
       Thanks for joining us on Hardcore
       Hunting. We didn't catch anything
       today but I think we learned an
       important life lesson--

    The PHONE RINGS. Lute reaches for his phone, but stops.

         LUTE
       I should get that. Phyllis is
       probably worried.

         BROCK
       It's cool. Go ahead.

    Lute hangs up the phone.

         LUTE
       Nah, man. You were right. Chicks
       shouldn't come between two dudes
       and hunting. 

         BROCK
       We're hunting... Extreme!!!

               FADE TO BLACK:



    ROLL CREDITS.