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Can yoo still gets way wiff murders if its temprary insanadee? Cuz next wunna u... more »
Published April 18, 2014 130 views More Info »
Loretta Jenkins here
with another How I Seize It bitchslappin'
that's been a long time comin'.
Goddamn not another one.
Block. Unfollow. Message.
Sumbitch stop it!
Oh wait, I can do that voice thing.
Send…and Double Block!
Unfriend, unfriend!
No Margie.
I am not takin' care of you
stoop farm animal crops.
You're dead!
And moreforth,
you give up your rights
to play them online timesucks.
Read the fine print
and leave me alone.
I guess you can just about tell
what's got a burr in my saddle today.
I am sick and tired to death
of everybody's online game requests!
Goddamn! Piss off you gamers!
Now who gonna buy me a new phone, huh?
What? Who? WHO?
I thought them iPhones was impenetrable.
This shit has raised itself
to the level of cyberbullyin' y'all!
I go on Facebook to bitch about whatever…
Or to check up on my
many upon many fan letters…
And half the shit on there comin' at me
is all this Bubble Craftin'
and Astro Witchin'
and Candy Crushin'.
The Jewel Blitz!
And people askin'
"Come play with me
so I can get to another level."
Fuck You!
What's the deal?
What the fuck you got the kinda life
you can waste on doin'
all that kinda shit
but not mine!
I got a Hollywood Walk-A-Sta
to get, caprice?
What the shit am I supposed to care
that you need a ticket
to get somewhere onto Candyland
to get you up to another level!
I ain't a part of your game world dependency!
I ain't enabling' you!
Why don't you get respectable things
to get addicted to,
like beer and cigarettes.
Normal shit.
Here is a progressive checklist
of the repercussions
if you don't stop sendin' me
them goddamn game notices
that is annoyin' the shit outta me!
#1: I will politely decline
and tell you to stop by sayin',
"Fuck Off With Your Quests!"
#2: If we was previously fuckin',
then I am cuttin' you off of my fuzz-muffin'.
No more.
No more goodie bag.
Your place at the table is gone.
#3: I'm gonna cut your head off
and throw it at ya!
#4: I'm gonna be forced to Unfriend you.
And who wants it to come to that,
I mean I need fans to get famous, duh!
Listen, if you wanna waste your life with-
I'm sorry y'all…
It won't come on out.
It's one of them ornery ass burps,
but anyway…
You wanna waste your life with this shit,
go ahead!
But just leave the rest of us
the fuck alone, OK?
I mean why don't you find somethin'
better to do with yourself
besides just ping-ping-ping
with the computer ALL DAMN DAY!
I mean you botherin' me
with your addiction.
Ain't you got no specks for privacy?
Every single one of them game thingamagiggies-
They got connection to everything you say,
your email, your bankin',
all your friends' accounts.
I mean basically you are just
signin' away your whole life
just to get one click of the button
to get you some goddamn
Texas Hold'em chips.
I ain't into lettin' your problems
become my problems.
And then I'm identity thefted
all the way to the po' house.
You gonna lemme come live with ya then?
I didn't think so!
You can dish it out,
but you can't take care of me, right?
Well we might not be killin' trees no more,
cause there ain't no junk mails no more,
cause the US post office is just dyin' off.
But this shit is the next worse thing.
Do y'all know when you send that shit out
that you are personally responsible
for wreckin' our national security.
All them fuckin' notifications
sucks out all the juice from our batteries,
which makes me have to
keep it charged all the damn time…
Well that not only raises my light bill,
but it puts more stress on our energy grid!
So stop killin' the Earth
with your goddamn game requestesses!
And that's How I Seize It!