Bobby Bottleservice - Jersey Shore Audition Tape

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Nick Kroll

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The video opens with a shot of Bobby Bottleservice, played by Nick
Kroll, putting Vaseline on his lips.



Nick Kroll: Oh, excuse me. You caught me in the middle of putting
Vaseline on my lips to keep them very kissable.



The word VASOLINE appears below Nick Kroll who makes a kissing face at
the camera.



Nick Kroll: My name, as you know, in addition to, is Bobby
Bottleservice.



The name BOBBY BOTTLESERVICE appears below Nick Kroll.



Nick Kroll: And I would like to say that this internet video is about
the fact that the Jersey Shore...



The words MTV'S THE JERSEY SHORE appears below Nick Kroll.



Nick Kroll: ...the new TV show on MTV is an abominable snowman nation of
what is right and wrong and this is wrong. It's a minstrel show. Okay.
But not like a funny minstrel show with people in blackface.



The word BLACKFACE appears below Nick Kroll.



Nick Kroll: That said, as someone who has spent time on the Jersey
Shore, I know you cannot fight the tides of princes. So, this is my
audition tape for Jersey Shore



The words BOBBY BOTTLESERVICE'S JERSEY SHORE AUDITION TAPE appear below
Nick Kroll.



Nick Kroll: I would like to say MTV that I'm a fierce competitor...



The words FIERCE COMPETATOR appear below Nick Kroll.



Nick Kroll: and that's why I'm perfect for Jersey Shore.



The shot cuts to Nick Kroll jumping rope.



Nick Kroll (voiceover): Because I will win Season Two...



Shot cuts to Nick Kroll sitting behind a desk.



Nick Kroll: ...and I will take the money with those earnings and buy
cool stuff. Like a, for my grandmother for example, in addition to, a
gold jet ski...



The words GOLD JETSKI appear below Nick Kroll.



Nick Kroll: ...that she could drive over to see my future children. Like
rest in peace.



The abbreviation R.I.P. appears below Nick Kroll.



Nick Kroll: And I will say, also, I will buy myself something cool, like
new calf muscles.



The words NEW CALF MUSCLES appear below Nick Kroll. The shot cuts to
Nick Kroll lounging in a plush office chair.



Nick Kroll: I would like to say, not only am I a fierce fighter, but I
am also a lover.



The following text appears below Nick Kroll – LOVER ;).



Nick Kroll: And for me, on this case, I would respect the shit out of
those girls. Like Snooki...



A picture of Snooki from Jersey Shore is shown with the name SNOOKY
beneath it.



Nick Kroll: Who's body is beautiful, like she has been smooshed down to
the size of a bowling ball that is tan with extensions and fake nails.
Very attractive to me. As well as Jwoww, who's natural breasts are so
beautiful.



A picture of JWoww is shown with the name JWOWW beneath it.



Nick Kroll: Boy, oh boy, look how natural they are. I say breasts
because I love women. And I don't call them cans or big, fat titties
because I love my mother and I don't disrespect women.



The shot cuts to Nick Kroll standing again.



Nick Kroll: So, for MTV, on this show, I will be eyecandy...



The word EYECANDY appears below Nick Kroll.



Nick Kroll: ...and, no offense, but the guys on that show, no
disrespect, but I don't respect their bodies, right. Because, you look
at The Situation...



A picture of The Situation is shown with the words THE SITUATION below
it.



Nick Kroll: That's not the situation. This is the situation right here.



Nick Kroll lifts his shirt to reveal a large, flabby stomach.



Nick Kroll: What? Yeah, look at that. That's a good body. It's like you
got The Situation, what you need is Bobby Bottleservice. AKA The
Service, right.



The words THE SERVICE appear below Nick Kroll.



Nick Kroll: Right, because it's like I'll do room service



The words ROOM SERVICE appear below Nick Kroll.



Nick Kroll: You know, like a carpet cleaning service, which is like what
I do here.



The words CARPET CLEANING appear below Nick Kroll.



Nick Kroll: This is the office that I clean.



The shot cuts to Nick Kroll sitting on the desk.



Nick Kroll: So, as someone who would like to create the summarization of
what I have just said in finality. Obviously, I'm a fierce competitor.



The words FIERCE COMPETATOR appear below Nick Kroll.



Nick Kroll: In as well as, like I'm a lover.



The word LOVER appear below Nick Kroll.



Nick Kroll: And, it's like, I cover my mouth when I speak because like
I'm a very reputable person. Also, I would like to say that I am
eyecandy...



The word EYECANDY appear below Nick Kroll.



Nick Kroll: ...for ladies and gay guys, who I will ignore. As well as,
Ed Hardy Water...



The words ED HARDY appear below Nick Kroll as he holds up a bottle of
water..



Nick Kroll: Also, in addition to, Vodka.



The word VOKKA appear below Nick Kroll as he holds up a bottle of vodka.



Nick Kroll: Yo, Jesus...



The word JESUS appear below Nick Kroll.



Nick Kroll: Revenge.



The word REVENGE appear below Nick Kroll.



Nick Kroll: These are things that are a summation of me. And so, come
on, put me on the show. Bobby Bottleservice. Full Service. The Service.



The following text scrolls up from the bottom:



PUT ME ON THE SHOW



PUT ME ON THE SHOW



PUT ME ON THE SHOW



VISIT MY WEBSITE



aol.com



Nick Kroll again gives the camera a kissing face and the video ends.