As you know,
you all got a standing invitation every Friday
right here to hear me, Loretta Jenkins,
lay it on thick and good
with my "How I Seize Its."
It's time to recognize we supposed to give thanks.
Whether it to your god,
or something else someone done made up.
Either way, it's time to come together for reflection.
What you think American Injuns-
Mexicum Injuns of descent...
American Injuns descented...
What you think them that was descended
from Native Americans-
...does on Thanksgiving?
Is it offensive to say that sometimes
I wonder do they just sit around
and huff on Jack-o-Lanterns?
I mean, it's just an idea that pop in my head.
I didn't have no control on puttin' in there.
I think it's time for me to do my thankful list-
You know, that I do once a year.
My neighbor Pru's churchy cunthole
always flappin' her gums at me.
Talkin' bout how I'm such an ungrateful heathen
and I'm on the path to goin' to hell.
Well watch this, asshole.
This HISI gonna be about
the top 5 things I'm thankful for,
and shit I put up with.
I am thankful for pumpkin schnaaps,
cause then I don't feel so left out.
Bein' the poster child for us non-eatin' folk.
I think it unfair that everything about T-Day
is so goddamn food related.
That seem prejudicial.
Like it only for fatty Americans
and us 'skinnies' ain't true Americans.
Well now, if you see a Tea Party rally, you know...
Cause if you ain't a Teatard,
you basically a red commie bastard.
Oh yeah, nugget of fact here...
Do you know that they celebrate Thanksgiving
in this one lowly country in Africa?
I'm like betwixt and befuddled
beyond all comprehension.
I mean how you gonna have a harvest holiday
some place you can't grow shit?
Ain't we still sendin' them
the price of a cup of coffee everyday or some shit?
They can't have a whole lotta turkey runnin' around.
Cause you know them pumas
and panthers and bears they'd be gobble-gobbled up
them feathery fucks lickity split!
Yeah I was workin' on that one all day.
Watchin' you fat asses eat
like teenage diabetic meth heads
let loose in a candy store?
Well, that help me.
That provide a good service.
Cause that make me so damn sick
watchin' y'all cram it in that gullet...
Well that keep me from eatin'
and I thank you for that.
Your fatness maketh me healthier.
Sometimes I will take a little gravy and giblets
and then toss that around with some
good ol' Kentucky bourbon-
Make me a little meat mousse,
just so I can throw somethin'
solid down my chute.
So I don't get The Big C
in The Big A
like that poor old Charlie's Angel did...
Bless her heart...
I guess I should say bless her ass!
Y'all ever wonder if that husband of hers
used to let her make him fuck he
up the butt and that's what killed her?
I's thankful for what few childhood family
Thanksgiving dinner memories I do retain.
Our family was the kind that it didn't never fail
at every family gathering some youngin
was gonna get the shit beat out of 'em.
Oh and the best one
was when my cousin Taunya-
She was like the bully of us all...
Well, she got the shit whacked out of her face
cause she spilled the rolls
and her retainer hopped out
and went in the soup and splashed up
in Old Aunt Mary's tracheotomy hole.
I'm thankful for-
Well, I was gonna way y'all,
but let's face it.
We talkin' about me here, so...
I'm thankful for Dick.
Dick's been there for me
during my highs and during my lows...
Dick knows me inside and out.
You know, I just can't thank Dick enough.
And Dick let me down a lot less
than some of my supposed 'friends.'
Except for y'all.
Y'all my #5.
When didn't nobody know who I was
or gave a shit what I said,
Y'all don't judge me for my drinkin',
or that sometimes I ain't all there.
But could you please once and a while
send me some goddamn beer money?
Would it kill ya?
Well that's How I Seize It.