Jonathan loves three things - AllSaints' tees, gold hair chalk, and Game of Thrones.
- April 27, 2015
- 220k Views
Starring - Jonathan Van Ness
Featuring - Ify Nwadiwe
Director - Erin Gibson
Producers - Matt Mazany and Ross Buran
Writers - Erin Gibson, Jonny Mais, Mark Rennie, Matt Mazany
Editor - John Ford
Director of Photography - Cristina Dunlap
Production Designer - Flower Cole
Gaffer - Matt Sweeney
Make Up and Hair - Emily Rae
Sound Mixer - Ryan Kaiser
Assistant Editor and Graphics - AJ Berna
April 27, 2015
Ify Nwadiwe: You see Game of Thrones this weekend?
Jonathan Van Ness: Does a bear shit in the woods?
So baby K. Stew is at white house, black market. She's giving us the full Cinderella
treatment, and then super hot Saint Francis comes out, but he's like only willing to
talk to her in fortune cookies.
> To serve well a girl must become no one.
> So then we have Ms. Margaery marry Tom Tom, and they get to bonin',
she takes Tom Tom's V-card, and he was like, "Let's do it more.", and she was like, "Shhh...
lets wait, there is no hurry is there?"
So then the pussy power that Margaery
put down worked. Tom Tom goes and has a little stroll with Blond Cher, and he's
like maybe you should go back to Casterly Rock.
> But he had to tell her like 3 times. He was like, you wanna go to the rock, and she
was like, no I don't. He was like, you wanna go to the rock, she said, no-no.
He's like naw, you wanna go to this rock.
> So then Blond Cher goes over to Margaery, and was having brunch 5th Harmony,
and she's like, "Sweetheart", and then that bitch had the nerve to bring up her day drinking.
> I wish we had some wine for you. It's a bit early in the day for us.
> Between the two of them, it was like who can smile creepier.
Blond Cher was like...
> No, she was like...
> And then she was like...
> And she was like...
> So then baby Kristen Stewart has to get rid of all of her stuff. She like make Old
Rose in Titanic, and just drowns it all in the lake, but she can't do it to her sword,
so she buries it in some rocks. So then the artist formally known as Busted Redhead,
who I'm now calling Orphan Brown is going to get betrothed to evil Elijah Wood,
who just set up the Moat Catelyn Body World Exhibit.
So then Jon Snow gives Night's Watch Rob Reiner the order to go flip this ruin,
and he's all like "Fuck off man. I'm staying right here."
> You can stick your order up your bastard ass.
> Then he had to show that bitch who's boss.
> You know I feel like Night's Watch they're just doing you know, hood rules, you know,
it's like, "Ya'll wanna test me? Watch this." Ch-chyay!
> So then the million moms march bum rushes Keebler Grandpa, and (inaudible).
So then poor Munch Munch is like, "I've got to get out of this box, and get some fresh
air." So they go out, and he finds out Christina Aguilera's televangelist team
has been working hard.
(she speaks a foreign language)
> It was like Hollywood Boulevard out there, like hey get this mixtape, it's called
the dragon queen. She's got hot fire tracks, like "Look, I survived fire".
Track 2, "Yo, I fought a whole bunch of dudes".
Track 3, "I got slaves".
Track 4, "I killed on of them".
> So then they go to Hooters for butts, and Munch-Munch is trying to get it on with
this prosty, but he could not even do it.
> I think he had whiskey dick man.
> Believe me, no one is more shocked than I am.
> So then Munch-Munch goes out to take a leak where Sir Carlisle hog ties his ass,
and he's like, "I'm going to take you to the queen boy."
> So I think he's going to take him to Christina Aguilera.
He's probably going to be like, "Yo, I gotta present for you. Maybe I can get that good-good
> Or he's going to take her to
Blonde Cher, because he so hard up for the money he's going to go sell out.
> Dudes be grimey in Westeros.
> Oh my god, this is giving me Viserys Targaryen realness.
Where are you going to anyway?
> Oh, I'm auditioning to the sequel to the Fifth Element.
> my dragons.