Hello my name is Morty and welcome to the world’s first reanimated video blog! Get it? RE-animated? [laugh] I kill me.
Okay, enough with the pleasantries. I’ve got a bone to pick…
Now usually I’M the one frightening people…but THIS woman scares the pants off me… which isn’t easy since they’re attached with super glue and staples.
I’m looking at YOU Christine O’Donnell!
I’m calling out O’Donnell for being a Zombist. That’s right! O’Donnell is prejudiced against zombies.
Why? Well… she claims that masturbation is WRONG… If she convinces enough people to believe this, zombies EVERYWHERE will starve.
I HATE to reveal a trade secret, but as every veteran zombie knows, it’s EASIEST to catch people when they’re at their MOST vulnerable. After all…when was the last time YOU rubbed one out with a 12-gauge shotgun by your side? I mean… outside of Mississippi…
Contrary to what you see in the movies, zombies don’t walk aimlessly down the street looking for young ingénues with twisted ankles. Just like you, we like our meals fast and easy.
And what could be easier than a one-handed, over-weight 35-year-old hacker in his mother’s basement? It’s pretty easy to duck a remote control and box of tissues! This little trick provides me three squares a day.
But if O’Donnell has her way, we’ll return to the dreaded 1960s. Times were tough for zombies back then. Free love. EVERYBODY was getting action. And if you weren’t, you were hopped up on speed and IMPOSSIBLE to catch. We HAD an emergency meeting at Woodstock, but nothing came from it. Great music -but NO brains anywhere.
We simply CANNOT allow this to happen again! Tell Christine O’Donnell that you can do whatever YOU want with your delicious body! Then you can say, “Eat your heart out, O’Donnell!” [laugh]
Of course, I’d be happy to do that for her.