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September 06, 2010


Twilight: The Broodening 3 – Electric Broodaloo!
by Nathaniel Jones
When last we left our heroes in the small town of Forks, Washington, Edward Cullen had just asked Bella Swan to marry him in exchange for turning her into a vampire. Six months later, she’s still there, thinking it over.
“So, you’re saying that if I agree to marry you, you’ll turn me into a vampire?” asked Bella for about the eight billionth time.
“Well then can you turn me into a vampire now, and we can get married later on when I’m ready?I mean, I’ve already told you that I want to become a vampire and love you for all eternity – why do we have to get married first?”
“I’m an old fashioned vampire, and according to the bible, it says you can’t become a vampire until after you’re married.”
“Um… I’m pretty sure that there’s nothing in the bible about premarital becoming-a-vampire.”
“Yeah it is. It’s in… Leviticus or something. Look it up.”
“But being a vampire is eternal. Marriage is just a piece of paper! I mean, it says right in there, ‘till death do us part.’ So if we get married now, and then you kill me to become a vampire, the marriage will be over anyway.”
“That… is a loophole that I HADN’T considered, and WASN’T counting on you not realizing so that I could ditch your right after the wedding. Shifty eyes.” Said Edward, with shifty eyes so obvious that he actually said “shift eyes.”
“Anyway, I’d better get back home. My dad’s probably worried about me. We can talk about this again every ten minutes for the rest of the movie.”
So Edward took Bella home in yet another new volvo, where her father was waiting to have a heart-to-heart Father-Daughter talk.
“Bella, it’s time for a father daughter talk.”
“Ughhhh, no please.”
“Just hear me out. You’re a growing girl, and beginning to make life choices, and growing, and things. I just wanted to let you know, that, uh, team Jacob.”
“Team Jacob.”
“What are you…?”
“Teeeeeam Jaaaacob. Team Jacob. I got you a lunch box.”
“Dad, I already have the Team Edward lunch box.”
“Team Jacob lunch box! Team Jacob book cover. Team Jacob thermos.”
“Dad, Team Edward!”
“You’re a growing girl, and you’ve got – Team Jacob. Hoodie.”
“I’m going to go to school now.”
“Team Jacob!”
What she didn’t tell her father, however, was that the reason she hadn’t been seeing Jacob was because he had not been returning her calls, and she was pretty bummed. The next day at school, she confronted him about it.
“Hey, Bella,” said Jacob, uncomfortable because he’d been wearing a shirt for a full 30 seconds. IN A ROW.
“Hey, Jacob. Why haven’t you been returning my calls?” asked Bella.
“Oh, see, what happened was, I put my phone in my shirt pocket a few months ago, and this is the first time since then I’ve worn one, so… you know how it goes. With my pecs. And my abs. My muscles. Fleeeex.”
“That does sound like something you would do.”
“That and I’m super angry that you’re still spending so much time with Edward. He’s my mortal enemy, and I don’t like his hair. I think you should marry me instead.”
“Teeeeam Jacob!” yelled her Dad, wearing a Team Jacob t-shirt.
“Dad, get out of here. And TAKE THAT SHIRT OFF!”
“One step ahead of ya, howwooooooo!”
“Bella, it’s time to go – you don’t want to be late for class,” said Edward
“Okay. I’ll see you later, Jacob.”
“Howwooooooooooooooooooo muscles!”
Edward and Bella then walked to their only high school class:.
“Hey, remember us? We’re human people without super powers who don’t really advance the story in any way. Are you excited for graduation? I’m sooo excited. I think I’m going to go get really drunk and then go to junior college.”
“Which one of you is talking right now?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
“Anyway, what are your plans for after graduation?”
“Oh, you know, go to Alaska, go to college, get married, become a vampire… the usual.”
“Right on, right on.”
Meanwhile in Seattle, dark events were afoot. A mysterious new gang of vampires had appeared, causing a string of unexplained disappearances.
“Our son is missing, can you find him?”
“Well considering he went missing in Seattle and I’m a cop in a small town four hours from there, probably not.”
“Oh dear – and we thought Seattle would be so much safer than Sunnydale.”
“I wonder what’s going on in there?” asked Bella from outside the window.
“Probably something not at all vampire related, I’d bet,” said Edward
“Oh, hello Bella and Edward. What’s going on?”
“We’re going to Florida together for the weekend.”
“Awwww, but come on, Bella! Team Jacob!”
“We’re just going to visit Mom.”
“I don’t believe you. I think you’re gonna go have sex or something.”
“Dad, I’ve been trying to get this guy into bed for two years now – it’s not going to happen.”
“I don’t know about that... Are you sure you’re not going to have sex?”
“I promise. I’m only trying to get her out of town because there’s a hot redhead vampire in town trying to kill her.”
“So… so, no sex then?”
“No sex.”
“Okay, have a good trip, then.”

While Bella and Edward were in Florida, the Vampire Justice League got together to fight Victoria, who was back in forks to kill Bella as revenge for the death of her vampire boyfriend, James.
When Victoria arrived, rather than fighting, there was really more of an epic vampire version of ‘tag,’ until she jumped over a stream and onto the land of the werewolves, where the Cullens are not allowed. So Victoria escaped to be evil another day.
When Bella and Edward returned, the Vampire Super Friends got together again to talk about these new events.
“Okay, so there’s this new army of vampires in Seattle, and there’s nothing in the batcomputer to tell us who they are or what they want.”
“I think they’re trying to kill Bella.”
“Why do you think that?”
“Because it’s Twilight – everybody is trying to kill Bella all the time.”
“That’s right – I know I am.”
“Me too.”
“Death to all humans!”
“Right. So what should we do?”
“Let’s fight them?”
“That’s no good – they’re a whole army of vampires, and we’re just one family. And since they’re new, they’re extra strong. The only way to defeat them is to join forces with our enemies, the werewolves. We might all die, but it’s worth it to do whatever it takes to save Bella.”
“Why is that worth it?”
“Because it’s Twilight, and everyone is willing to die to save some high school girl, all the time.”
“I know I am.”
“Me too.”
“Death to anyone who isn’t Bella!”
“Right. So what should we do?”
“We’ll need to get ready for battle, so for now, Bella will have to stay with the wolves. They will protect her.”

Although Edward was frowning at the idea of Bella staying with Jacob, he let her go. Jacob, meanwhile, took the opportunity to let Bella know the ancient secrets of the wolf tribe.
“Long, long ago, our tribe was full of magical people with werewolf powers, who used our abilities to survive and protect ourselves in these lands. We were a peaceful tribe, who lived as one with the Earth.

But one day we saw a strange man with long hair and crazy clothes. Just look at that hair and those crazy clothes! That’s not the right way for a man to dress! That’s unacceptable. And, he was also really cold, and his skin was as hard as stone. So we killed him.”
“Wait – how did you know he was cold and hard unless you touched him?”

“We noticed the cold and the hard as soon as we started killing him.”

“So up to that point you were just killing him because of his hair?”

“And his clothes. Don’t forget the clothes! Our tribe was pretty strict about our fashion police duties. Anyway, turned out this guy was a vampire, and from then on, we’ve been mortal enemies.”

“So really, you started this whole war by killing some random vampire?”

“No, he started it with his outfit.”

“And hair!”
As the days passed and the battle neared, Edward and Jacob took turns protecting Bella, and continuing to work on their sales pitches on why she should choose them.
“Team Edward.”
“Team Jacob.”
“Team Edward.”
“Team Jacob.”
“Team Edward.”
“Team Jac-abs. See what I did there? I said abs instead -”
“Yeah, I got it.”
“Team Edward.”
“Team Jacob!”
“Dad, get out of here!”
“Team Edward!”
“Team Jacob.”
“Team Edward.”
“Team awkward human boy!”
“Team Edward!”
“Team Pecks-abs!”
“Team Buffy!”
Finally, graduation came, and it was time for Bella to decide once and for all who she would marry, because high school graduation is always the best time to decide major life decisions.
“Edward, I’ve decided that I’ll marry you. But please don’t tell Jacob until after the battle.”
“Aww, but I want to rub it in his face!”
“No, you can still laugh at his pain, just wait until after the battle!”
The time had for battle had come, so the wolves and the vampires got together, along with the zombies, swamp things, mummies, frankensteins, and assorted other movie monsters to face the vampire army from Seattle.
“Okay, gang, gather around - remember – these are new vampires, and so are super tough, so it’s going to take all our strength to defeat them. Now, we all know how to kill a vampire, right?”
“Stake through the heart!”
“Expose them to direct sunlight!”
“Throw holy water on them!”
“Silver bullet!”
“Destroy the brain!”
“A cross!”
“No sir.”
“Feed them garlic!”
“Why would… no! Come on! As everyone knows, the only way to kill a vampire is to chop them up into individual pieces and then burn them in a pile. Also, if a vampire headbutts another vampire, then their head will shatter like it’s made of glass, any questions? No? Good. Let’s get to work.”

To protect Bella, she cut her finger and spread her blood on all the trees in the area, to draw the vampires attention.
“Ya know, it’s already been well established that I can’t lose a single drop of blood without all the vampires instantly trying to kill me, but here I am throwing my blood all over the place, and nobody’s even reacting. What gives?”

“You see, there is a logical explanation for that.”

“Okay, good to know. Thanks for clearing that up, then.”
With that settled, Bella, Edward, and Jacob went up to a snowy mountain, far away from the battle grounds, where they camped out for the night. Unfortunately, since Bella has no super powers, she nearly froze to death, until Jacob saved her with his hotness.
“So, this is awkward.”

At last, it was time for the battle.
“It’s time for the battle. And once this is over we can finally be married.”
“Married, what?” said a surprised Jacob behind them.
“Jacob, what are you doing here?”
“I was just, you know, walking around a freezing cold mountain covered in snow without a shirt on, no biggie. That’s not the point – you’re marrying him? Have you seen my abs? Think of the things you could do with these abs – do some laundery. Grate some cheese…”
“Jacob, stop – I love you, but I love Edward, too.”
“That’s not enough.”
“I love you a really lot.”
“Not enough.”
“With ice cream and a cherry on top.”
“That sounds delicious, but it’s still not enough.”
“Fine, kiss me.”
“Kiss me!”
“Don’t have to tell me twice!”
“Well, I just did, so mmmfph.”
“What was up with all the kissing there, huh?”
“I just had to kiss him so that he’d be like me enough to die for me in battle. I’m still marrying you.”
“Ha ha, I rule.”
Meanwhile, the epic battle was going on, and it was super. But Victoria and new Seattle vampire guy were able to track Bella up to the snowy camp.
“Prepare to die, Bella. Vampire guy, attack!”
“Don’t attack – she’s just using you!
“Don’t listen to them – I told you they have mind powers.”
“That’s right, I can read her mind, so I know that she doesn’t even like you!”
“That’s not true – you’re my one true love. Now attack!”
“After this fight, she’s going to toss you aside. And she thinks you have fish lips.”
“That’s a lie! But, yeah on the fish lips thing.”
“I don’t have fish lips!”
“Weeeell…. Don’t worry about that now – attack!”

And then fish lips attacked, but was stopped by Jacob, who bit his hand, causing it to explode as if it were made of glass. Look, just because it’s never happened in any other vampire movies, including the other Twilight ones, doesn’t mean that it’s not totally plausible now, so just shoosh.

Jacob and Edward fought Victoria and Fish Lips, but they were no match for them, and it looked like they were going to both be killed, when Bella sliced her arm, and her blood distracted the two vampires long enough that Edward and Jacob could kill them. Yet Edward was still not interested in all this gushing blood, because zib zib zowie woowy wooooo.
Edward, Bella and Jacob returned down to the battle field, where the vampires and wolves were finishing burning the rest of the evil vampires, when suddenly the volturi arrived.
“So, you still haven’t turned Bella into a vampire.”
“You have been warned. The volturi does not give second chances.”
“So you’re going to kill us now?”
“No. I’m just going to say that be sure that we don’t catch her not being a vampire again, or you’ll have consequences.”
“So how exactly is this not a second chance?”
Then the volturi said “look over there!” and ran away.
Safe at last, Edward and Bella returned to their favorite little flowery spot, and gazed lovingly at each other, and lived happily ever after, until the next and final chapter in this series, Twilight 4: Broodening Dawn