A cable cooking show hosted by a former communist revolutionary and the ditzy sidekick that has been forced upon him.
- August 04, 2010
- 107 Views
Eric Maureillo - Vladimir
Susan K. - Babette
Camera - Louis Terrier
Sound - Joy Delp
Written and Directed by Caeser Pink
August 04, 2010
COOKING WITH COMMUNISM
Vladimir Salaise – An X-communist revolutionary who once prepared meals for red rebels from Cuba to Angola. Although he longs for his days of adventure, he is now reduced to hosting a local cable TV cooking show in capitalist America.
Babbette – A stereotypical dumb blond who is Vladimir’s unwanted sidekick on his cooking show. (Surely added by his show’s producers for sex appeal)
Scene: A low budget cable TV cooking show. Vladimir is dressed as if he could still be fighting in the mountains of Nicaragua with camo pants and a red scarf. He speaks with a Caribbean accent. Babbette is dressed in a slinky dress that is cut low enough to see ample cleavage.
Greetings comrades. Welcome to cooking with communism.
I’m your host Vladimir Salaise, and this is my hard working
Babbatte giggles with an overripe smile and waves to the TV audience.
Host looks at Babbatte as if unsure, then shakes his head slightly as he returns to the camera.
Today, for the equal good of all men and women we
will be pleasuring your palette with Borscht and Red Beans.
Mmm.. sounds yummy.
Vladimir looks at Babbette as if he suspects her of treason and growls slightly under his breath.
First we take the borscht and put it in the pot with some water.
Babbette makes Vanna White gestures in he direction of the food.
Vladimir begins to speak with a somewhat dreamy quality.
Oh yes, comrades, I remember how I used to stew this
delicacy up over an open fire for my Sandinista comrades
as we fought Somoza and his henchmen.
And it’s also good on a TV tray when you’re watching reruns
Vladimir looks at Babbatte and mumbles.
Yes, this is good proletariat food for the people.
He begins to develop a more passionate tone in his voice that soon gives way to an angry rant. Babette is distracted looking at her nails and fiddling with a blender that sits on the table.
It’s food the working class can eat with pride and dignity while the filthy
capitalist’s pigs take the riches they steal from the sweat of ou
labors so they may eat their gourmet cheeses and fine wines!
Those fat, bloated swine are so rich they have servants to chew their sweet meats for them...
Vladimir is almost hysterical. Now Babbette begins to notice something is askew.
Comrades with every bite of caviar they swallow their boot
heels are trampling on the faces of our working brothers and sisters!!!
Babbette looks at Vladimir in shock.
Vladimir stops in silence as he realizes he has lost control. He struggles to regain his composure.
Anyway, after you put the Borscht in the pan you heat it
until the aroma wafting off the pan is stronger than the
smell of the Yak excrement in the tread of your boots.
Ahh, we all hate that don’t we comrades.
Vladimir laughs heartily as if this is a joke that we are all in on. Babbette giggles loudly along with him. When Vladimir stops laughing he notices that Babbette is still laughing. He looks at her as if she is an idiot as she laughs far beyond any reasonable amount. As Vladimir stares at her in silence her laughter subsides nervously as she realizes she has overdone it. Vladimir then returns to the camera.
Next you place the red beans in an empty soup can and
squeeze the muddy rainwater out of your beret in with the beans to make a nice sauce.
Vladimir squeezes dirty water out of a red handkerchief into the beans.
I once had the extreme honor of preparing this dish fo
comrade Castro when he inspected the freedom
fighters in Angola. Ahh how he smiled and rubbed his
And I made some for Bob, he’s an a stockbroker,
and he said ‘well honey I see you’re good in the
Babette giggles, then her face changes as it dawns on her that Bob’s comment had a double meaning.
Now Castro, there is a hearty eater. A real man who can
put away the red beans. He doesn’t need swordfish in
bernaise sauce. He eats the same food as his people.
Again Vladimir begins to get excited.
Did the Dictator Batista ever eat red beans I ask you?
No! He ate delicate sautéed lamb with his mob cronies
and their American capitalists sponsors.
Vladimir rages, shaking his fists in the air.
Their marinades are our oppression comrades!!! We must
overthrow their bourgeois kitchens with their fancy cutleries and
divide the steamed oysters in calimari lentil fondue among
Vladimir stops with an embarrassed expression. He struggles to regain his composure
Anyway comrades..you take the beans and borscht and
throw them on a tin plate and eat heartily. That’s it fo
today. Join us next week when we’ll be making ‘broiled
shoe leather with field mouse appetizers.
Speaking in a cheerful upbeat voice.
And remember the Protestant work ethic is just anothe
means to placate the masses while they are exploited
by the military industrial complex.
Both smile cheerfully and wave bye bye at the camera.