You know how there are those pretentious assholes that work at high end coffee... more »

Full Credits

Written by and Starring Tricia McAlplin and Johanna Parker
Featuring June Raphael, Eugene Cordero, Frankie Shaw and Bryce Johnson
Directed by Eric Appel
Photography by Mathew Rudinberg
Sound by Bo Sundberg
Produced by Ally Hord & Alex Richanbach
Coffee Shop Patrons: James Ross, Shannon Rodgers, Jamie Patterson, Andrea Schneider, Lara Zvirbulis
AC - Michael Norquest
Grip - Bret Watkins
Gaffer - Andrew Behrens
Sound - BoTown
PA - Ross Buran
Hair/MU - Sara Irving
Special Thanks to Christian Sprenger & Proof Bakery

Stats & Data


(theme music)
Voiceover: Exclusive.
Female: I'm so glad this Costa
Rican beans are in season right now.
Female: Oh my god I know.
Those Ecuadorian beans were so harsh,
I couldn't handle it.
Female: They were upsetting.
Someone asked milk for their coffee
and they almost gave it to them.
Female: The thought of bastardizing coffee
with milk makes me want to throw up.
Female customer: Hi, hi, hello.
Hi, there's a line of us.
If you guys saw us.
We've all been waiting
here for about 5 minutes.
Female: Yeah, I'm standing here.
Female customer: Okay, I will.
Can I please have a Caramel Macchiato.
Female: That doesn't exist.
Female Customer: I'm sorry?
Female: The drink you just
asked for doesn't exist.
Female Customer: No it does, like
you can order it at Starbucks.
Female: Am I wearing a green apron?
Do you hear Raven [unintelligible]
playing right now?
Are there a bunch of pre-made sandwiches
and hard boiled eggs in that case?
Are there a bunch of homeless people
waiting in line to use the bathroom?
Do you see me writing down
people's names on a paper cup?
Female: Just so you know, a
macchiato is a shot of espresso
with a little foam on top.
It's not a giant latte,
slathered in whip cream
with caramel squeezed all over it.
Lucas, one coffee.
Female Customer: I don't
want that, I have to go.
Male: Hey, what band is this?
Female: You've never heard of it.
Male: Okay.
Can I just get an Iced Coffee please?
Female: I mean I could
pour espresso over ice
but I don't know why
you want us to do that.
Male: Because it's like
degrees outside.
Female: You know what, taste this bean.
Female: Put that bean in your mouth.
Male: No.
Female: Come on, taste
it. Put it in your mouth.
Male: No!
Women: Mm, hmm, uh, mm, mm, mm.
Female: You can definitely
taste that this bean
has been through a bats digestive system.
Male: What?
Female: Yeah, this is Malaysian bat
guano coffee, it's extremely rare.
This bean was shot out of a bats ass hole.
So don't insult that dead bat by
asking us to pour espresso over ice.
Lucas, one more hot coffee.
Female customer: Hi guys,
can I get a smoothie.
Like a green one with some boost in there.
Like a immunity or a power boost or -
Female: If you need a boost, you
should have a large hot coffee.
Female customer: I don't really -
Female: Lucas, one large hot coffee.
Female customer: Thank you.
Female: You can sit right there.
Male: Hey, do you guys have any more of
those maple bacon scones, you guys do?
Female: No, no, no. Those
scones are so over .
We have a different baker now.
Male: Okay you know what
those look pretty good.
Female: They're not. Our new
baker starts in a few weeks.
You should just come get a scone then.
Male: No, that's cool. I'll
just take one of those.
Female: No.
Male: (laughs) No? Why not?
Female: Because they're garbage.
Female: They're disgusting, I
wouldn't feed those to my step dad
and he stabbed my mom to death.
Female: Lucas, one more
large piping hot coffee.
Male: I don't need a coffee,
Lucas. I brought my own.
(thudding sound)
(loud alarm)