How I Seize It #8: "Angelina Jolie"

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How I Seize It

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Hey!
This here's Lorett-
Loretta Jenkins and
this here is How I Seize It.
I ain't done no letters lately
on people that writes in 'Dear Loretta,'
so that's what I'm gonna do tonight.
Huh, huh, huh, huh, huh...
"Dear Loretta,"
Where in the fuck did my lighter go?
"I read that when Angelina Jolie
was married to Billy Bob Thornton,
she liked him to talk like Carl
from the movie Slingblade
when they had sex.
Is that true?
Your adoring fan, Terry."
What do you think me and Angelina's like
best friends or something?
You supposed to write in good questions.
This one here is stoop.
I heard they did some crazy ass shit, though.
Like, like she had a vial of Billy Bob's blood
and at night they drank each other's blood.
That's kind of weird, I think.
But anyways, that's all I-
I don't-
I don't know.
I mean they was married and so I reckon
if she might have asked him to
say somethin' like
'fried taters' o
'mustard bisquit.'
Well fuck, whose business is it but theirs?
Anyways, what's she need all them kids for anyways?
I mean-
I mean I think she must've had
like a bad childhood or somethin'.
She hates her daddy.
Course he's a Republican,
so you can't really blame her for that.
But umm...
Any y'all seen on them tabloids
where she done had 8 more youngins?
I think they callin' her the Octomon.
Yeah...
She looks better when she's in the movies
when she's got all that airbrushin'
and 'movie magic' stuff.
She just looks like she got an ugly suit on.
Brad Pitt, I was thinkin'
'He left that purty girl from Friends to go with this
stretch-faced, fatty-lipped
hooker-heifer bitch?'
That's a dumb mother fucker.
Oooh!
You know what I done?
I went on EBay
and I got me one of them Playgirls.
The cover on it said Brad Pitt-
There's this photog got him
goin' to get the mailbox-
Like butt-naked!
Now I can see why he throwed a hissy fit,
cause he had like the littlest,
littlest pecker ever.
It was like somethin' you would fish with.
I can't stands little peckers.
I actually hates them.
If somebody tryin' to get up on me
and they got like a midget dick,
I feel like I'm child molestin' or somethin'.
Y'all know why them Oriental gals
likes that black dick now.
I would too if somebody was tryin'
to poke me with a piece of rice.
I ain't lettin' no Chinaman get up on this,
cause I ain't gonna catch that MSG.
I done had me the clap once.
It lasted like about two months,
and I don't know why they call it the clap
cause it ain't nothin' to applaud at.
You know what I do?
On the first date,
I feel up on them when they hard,
cause if they ain't big,
ain't no point in no 2nd date.
I don't care what none y'all says.
Six inches ain't big.
Don't nobody like a little pecker.
Ain't nobody!
That Angelina shit-
They only got one kid that's really theirs.
That Silo...
She's wantin' to be, I heard,
a transvestical,
but I ain't even goin' there.
(phone rings)
Well, what the fuck?
Hello?
VOICE: Listen bitch!
You better watch who you talkin' about,
you fuckin' crackwhore!
LORETTA: Who you callin' a bitch, bitch?
Who is this?
VOICE: I'm gonna take that shitty ass trailer park,
mow it over and turn it into
an orphanage for my mother fuckin' kids!
LORETTA: Oh... Hey Angeliner.
VOICE: I'm gonna come down there-
LORETTA: If you Angelina, lemme ask you this...
What movie did you win an Oscar for?
VOICE: Girl Interrupted, you dumb cow!
You want a lawsuit?
LORETTA: Uh, hold on... A lawsuit?
VOICE: I'm gonna bitch slap you with an injunction.
I'm gonna find you in that shitty
trailer park of yours
and beat your fuckin' ass,
you boozehound!
LORETTA: I take back everything I said about Angelina.
VOICE: And I know you wasn't talkin' about my man!
He's a grower, alright?
You can fuckin' tell people that!
LORETTA: Brad's a grower, y'all.
VOICE: Listen, bitch.
You're going to tell all your drinkin' buddies
that you're a stupid drunk bitch
who makes shit up
cause you're an ignorant cat turd.
LORETTA: I ain't sayin' that to my viewers.
VOICE: Yeah, you'll have it, bitch.
I got my lawyers on the other line.
We're gonna take you for all you're worth...
LORETTA: Alright!
VOICE: ...a whole fuckin' two dollars!
LORETTA: I'm a drunk fuckin' bitch
that makes shit up
cause I'm an ignorant car turd.
(LAUGHTER from PHONE)
VOICE: Ah, I'm gonna die.
LORETTA: Who is this? Who?!?
VOICE: I can't believe you fuckin' fell for that,
you dumb bitch!
LORETTA: Tapioca?
I swear. I hate your fuckin' guts!
I hate-
You know what?
I hate all y'all fuckin' bitches.
Shit!
Well, that's How I Seize It!