Add to Playlist

Oh law dis wun hit me pritty hard. So much so I reely jess finished a secrit drug... more »
Published February 18, 2013 370 views More Info »
Lord, I tell you I have been
in better spirits.
This ain't been the best
post-Valleytimes week, y'all.
Lemme gives you just the
bare minimums here
cause I been stricken down with ennui.
I'm Loretta Jenkins
and this is How I Seize It.
Le sigh, y'all.
I'm kinely upsets already
cause I just found out that
Whitley Houston died,
and I been listening to her songs
all day, cause apparently
I'm a sadist.
Man, I'm gonna miss
my Whitney Houston songs.
"All at once,"
"I'm drifting on a lonely sea,"
"Wishing you'd come back to me..."
"Cause you give good love."
"And I been saving all my love"
"For You........"
"How will I know"
"if you really love me..."
"if you're my greatest love of all..."
"I wanna dance with somebody!"
"I wanna feel the heat with somebody!"
Aww, hell man!
Just when I was gettin' in it good.
Cause you know what?
You know what, baby?
"Didn't we almost have it all..."
"Cause I'm emotional, baby"
"Every time I think of you..."
"Where do broken hearts go..."
"Where do broken hearts grow..."
"Cause I got one moment in time"
"when I'm more than I thought I could be..."
Oh man, I miss her.
Little baby.
"And I......"
"will always love you......"
"and then your songs got bad"
"and you started smokin' crack."
"Or else, you mighta smoked some crack,
and then your songs started
gettin' all bad."
And then you seen all over the world
lookin' like shit
with your Bobby Brown
with you on your hood
and walkin' doin' your thing.
And you look like shit, bitch
when you did that.
It really took you down a few notches.
Why you do that
crack is whack bullshit?
Why you do that?
What was that about?
You was whackin'!
And all into
You really-
Dirty laundry shit all over the world
and didn't know who cared...
It could be a rag
or it could be on the New York Times,
but you was gonna be on there
makin' an ass of yourself,
cause you went from all that
to like all of this...
Who gives up bein' the best star of all time?
You could have knocked down Barbra!
You threw your life away!
I'm not throwin' my life away, goddamnit!
You know what?
There's a new place open at the table,
and I fit right in that space at that table.
She was my rock
'til she started smokin' the rock
and then she hit rock bottom
and now she gone!
And it made me think
of how she gived me the strength
to leave this asshole
what put his hands on me-
One time.
One time...
Shit, I'm still wearin' the same outfit
I was wearin' the last HISI.
Man, I needa do some laundry.
Hey, y'all hold up.
I needa go change
This here's embarassing.
I'm a goddamn fashion icon.
Sittin' up here in the same goddamn outfit on!
I can't do a proper memorial
for Whitney
in them damn clothes.
I mean that was ritely sad
the way she went out.
I'm gonna miss you.
But how you drown
in six inches of water?
I can't hardly get my whole body
submerged and she's tall and gangly like me.
I think I might go watch Bodyguard again.
Arguably, her most tolerable performance.
I'm glad she got a proper divorce, though.
Cause Bobby Brown
ain't never gonna be nothin'
but ghetto trash!
And the first song she sang
after her divorce?
It sound like she'd been garglin'
with epsom salts and thumbtacks!
She oughta just tried some light lip-syncin'.
She oughta just done
some simple Do-Re-Mis
to warm that larynx up
just like Ol' Julie Andrews Sisters did.
I'm kinely grateful that Bobbie X-Tina
finally got some kinda work done on her face.
Cause you member back in the 80s?
She was damn shameful ugly-
Like bag over your head ugly.
I always thought they oughta
swap her out for that
Raven Symone Cosby gal.
Do y'all know she a lesbun?
Fuck, that make me feel old.
She old enough to have lesbun sex!
Well, Whitney!
You rocked my motherfuckin' clit,
And you taught is two things.
Don't marry assholes!
And chrystal meth will rip
the shit out of your vocal chords, sista!
And that's How I Seize It.
(blows kiss)
Travel on, Sweet Sista!
Travel on...


From Around the Web